the good, the bad and the mental
A gorge sunday in London, but before we hit the sunshine it’s time to bask in the gloriousness of the T4 omnibus! Sign language lady is looking very military chic and there seems to be a heroes and villains theme going on this week…
Who’s the Daddy?
Poor old Russ. His life in Chester has hardly been idyllic. His brother Sam turned rohypnol rapist. Lost a ball to testicular cancer. Married and soon after divorced to Mercedes. A one night stand with Tina. Things seemed to be looking up when he met the slightly mental yet very foxy compulsive liar Caroline. Lots of bunny sex later, they decided to up sticks and head to Hanoi. And why not? A sunset happy ending seemed to be on the cards – tickets booked, condoms bought in bulk – when Tina dropped the baby-shaped bombshell that is Max’s true parentage. So, like the Event Horizon, the village wouldn’t let Russ leave. His blonde strumpet is off to Hanoi and he stayed in town to face up to his responsibilities. What a gent, what a chump.
Queen beyatch
So that leads us onto Tina. When did she become such a harpy? Did Russ’s man juice short circuit her brain? Dom might be a bit of a wet blanket but he so doesn’t deserve to have that titwitch whinging at him 24/7 – we can’t blame him for spending the night with someone else, even if it was with some random northern bird (see below) who he didn’t even shag – we wish he had! No one is more self-righteous than a cheat however and this was all the reason Tina needed to throw him out and then chase after Russ with the fruit of her superfertile womb. Run for the hills!
Loony tunes?
Much like Russ’s failed attempt to escape the village, young Newt is having similar luck trying to escape his mentalness. Notable for two OMG moments (see below), his week began on a happy note with him winning a writing competition (much to Michaela’s chagrin) and ended with him pouring his anti-schizo pills down the sink. There may, as they say, be trouble ahead…
Darren – boo!
Here at WLH we always have something positive to say about Darren, however we must say we are little disappointed him in. He started the week so well: serving behind the bar in The Dog in one of his trademark string vests after a smoothie-related mishap; finally getting the shags on with Cindy (though we feel this is crossing the streams of gold-diggerness. danger!); further bonding cuteness with Newt which appeared to be branching off into wrestling . And then little Newt went into meltdown and we all know Darren could have helped him by telling him the truth about Jack. But alas he didn’t. Tut tut! Cue more tears – but what can we say Darren? You’ve let us down, you’ve let Newt down but worst of all you’ve let yourself down…
Alpha Josh
Meek little Josh found his mojo this week. Still holding a torch for pramface Amy, he invited her round for a romantic weekend at his- smooth! When this later degenerated into a house party thanks to Michaela, he decked Ste when he manhandled Amy – hooray! I am ratboy, hear me roar!
Talkin about the (wo)man in the mirror…oh yeah!
The village was seeing double this week, with Gemma the random northern bird wreaking havoc (tempting Dom to the dark side for a free pint of cider and black in the Loft) but best of all coming face to face with doppelganger-tastic Jacqui. Winehouse style beehive? Check. Gigantic hoopy earrings? Check. Ultra tight, jailbird chic clothing? Check. Drag queen make up? Check check check. “Wears it like a chav”, Jacqui growled territorially and promptly sent her clone packing. Gonna make that…change!
See you next tuesday
A couple of weeks ago we were wondering what the point of Justin is and the question still remains. Even after being knocked out and concussed by Leila, who then somewhat creepily pretended to be his girlfriend, we still found it hard to feel sorry for him – and as soon as we found out he was just playing along with it in order to put her off him any sympathy evaporated. Let’s hope Leila has finally seen the light!
Evil alert
A quiet week for the village’s evildoers. As he was nowhere to be seen, we are hoping Vile Niall was in an underground, possibly volcanic, lair plotting his next evil deed but instead he was sending Steph bunches of flowers. Wuss – expect to see him on an advert for Moooonpig any time soon. Luckily, Evil Leah was on hand to puke all over Michaela. Hooray for such hardcore evillness!!
Heeathcliff…
We had to mention Wuthering Heights appearing unexpectedly appearing on the soundtrack this week. Can’t beat a bit of Bush.
Tony getting spray tanned clad in a bananahammock. Eeww!!
Zack in bed, post Michaela shag. Tasty!
Quotes
“Don’t enjoy talking to a plank of wood much…enough about Jake” – Darren.
“Sorry I’m late, I couldnt find my pink thong!”, Michaela overshares on arriving at Josh’s party.
“Little ugly slapper” Michaela is somewhat misleading in her description of Zoe.
Leila and Justin mooch over each other, split screen.
Zack and Michaela get the shags on!
Russ stays in the village to raise his unexpected offspring!
ELI RETURNS!!!!
Follow us on the social media:
