"I'm not picking up my own poo!"
Yep, hello and welcome to this week’s omnibus.
Carry on camping
The above poo outrage was of course part of the jailbait camping plot, where Newt, Theresa, Lauren, Anita and some random simpleton called Ricky headed off into Chester woods for some underage fun. Muchos teenage angst ensued, with Lauren discovering Newt and Theresa’s unlikely romance. Luckily for her though, there was more than one emo in the woods, with Wade, a creepy emo stalker type with a truly slappable face, on hand to offer quasi-philosophical* observations on love and, more importantly, some rebound smooches. Go-on Lauren, rhey! (*in burly builder style voice*). Newt was not a happy bunny.
Dancing Newt
Speaking of whom, when he wasn’t being a bit of a cad and pinballing between Lauren and Theresa, young Barry was indulging in the randomest, most surreal yet somehow amazing moment in Hollyoaks for a long time – an Arcade Fire soundtracked freestyle dance-off with Steph’s dance class. So good we had to watch it twice! (and if you missed it you can catch it on 4oD – its about 13 mins in).
Hannah-rama
Our fave anorexic had something of a meltdown this week, drinking too much, throwing sandwiches and many a strop, crushing crisps and wine into ex-boyfriends faces, coming on to family friends, telling a few home truths (see below) and then running off with random obnoxious indie band troll Stav- to Denmark! All whilst looking glam and alien hair-doed. Hannah – we salute you!
Know your limits!
There was a Darth Sidious-like presence in the village this week – and that be ALCOHOL. Yes, the Rock the SU Bar degenerated into a 3 day bender involving vomiting, cat fights and some very dodgy dancing – and all because those naughty students were BINGE DRINKING. Tut tut. Happily, the latest ‘Oaks spin-off (The morning after the night before – premiering tomorrow online whoop whoop), starring Josh, Sasha, Gilly and sleazy newbie Dave raving it up in Manchestuuh and in partnership with the Home Office/Know your limits campaign, will no doubt show them the error of their ways and promote the virtues of sobriety. We can only hope.
Match.com
How easy it seems to be to hook up in Hollyoaks. Whether you are camping in some random woods or popping into the Drive’n'buy there will no doubt be a creepy emo stalker type or random obnoxious indie band troll to pull.
A plea
Will everyone in the world stop being so horrible to Darren!? Steph and Jack – we mean YOU! Imagine, if you can, a world without his leopard print shirts and leather pants. WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE IN SUCH A WORLD? No. And neither would we. So start showing the love.
Funeral for a (not quite) friend
Yeees, twas time to put Warren to rest. Unsurprisingly it had rather low attendance, his own sister Katy refusing to show up (betch). Still, there was the obligatory McQueen punch up and Sasha and Spencer’s goodbyes were actually rather moving. Not a bad send off for the whisperer if we do say so ourselves.
In other news:
Forgot to mention it last week but Gilly looks rather cute with short hair; Strive for individuality. Create a fad – pretentious t-shirt slogans courtesy of Wade; deformed barbie doll crossed with Chantelle – Ricky’s fairly accurate description of Theresa; random brand beer watch: Nancy retrieves an empty can of Biegrad from the sink; Rhys and Hayley finally get together; Malachy has man flu and/or HIV symptoms; Cheryl, the screeching Irish slapper from Hollyoaks Later and Zack’s ONS, arrives in the village and promptly causes mayhem – including a rendition of Riverdance. Cos, you know, that’s what Irish people do.
Quotes:
Hannah’s diatribe re. her friends’ love lives in full:
To Sarah: “You’re in and out of bed with every man, woman, whatever”
To Zoe: “Your best mate and men twice your age”
To Nancy: “Baby stealing psychos and bisexuals”
Ne’er a truer word said.
“Why would you go commando in leather pants? Are you some kind of perv?” random obnoxious indie band troll Stav to Darren.
*quasi-philosophical as in shit
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