(yet more) baby theft dramas, vengeful lesbians, noncing, etc

Posted on August 30, 2009 by admin 1 Comment

As we’re out and about today (sunday roast then counting the hours until Wuthering Heights on ITV1 – half the cast from The Take, tabloid gossip fodder and – in our heads – soundtracked by Kate Bush, what’s not to love?) we tuned in to yesterday’s E4 omnibus…

the neverending storyline

After the high drama of last week we thought Ste would be entitled to a break from baby Lucas-related stress. We were so very wrong. Now homeless and at the mercy of the pitiless self righteousness of the DILF and Sarah, poor Ste had to contend with even more head fuckage as Abi, clearly suffering from womb-mania, reappeared to get her psychotic mitts on baby L, and scary eyed Daniel made a glowering return.

Happily, Ste saw sense and finally told them both to go packing. Daniel and Abi took this as a chance for some husband and wife heart to hearting and were reunited (we are assuming that all the baby trafficking was just an elaborate form of couple’s therapy). Now Ste has relinquished his son to the dubious care of the DILF (who did nothing but whinge about it) and is now ensconced in Tony’s pad when FINALLY someone took pity on in. Poor pretty little Ste.

Btw: our question from last week was answered – Leah also lives with the DILF. But we are now left with even bigger question: her son has narrowly escaped being farmed out to some smug Guardian reading dickwads (you just know John and Sandy liked KT Tunstall), but does this compell Amy to return? NO! What a cow.

hell hath no fury…

She may look like a ferret who has just stumbled out of an indie club in Camden, but there is defo more evil to Lydia than meets the eye. Dumped by Sarah who tired of her high maintenanceness (and yes, we noted the irony of this), our fave rodent lesbian did not take the news well, espesh when denied some rebound hate sex by ex girlf, and something of a good egg Charlotte. And this is in light of the OMG news that she is going to get vengeful on Sarah’s ass by taking out supposed love rival Zoe via some skydiving sabotage.

Ahh, we haven’t had any incompetent revenge murders since the heady days of Vile Niall. We can’t wait!

she’s a nonce, a facking NONCE!

Her days may be numbered, but Zoe is still intent on  making her mark on the world of filmmaking, depsite being minus one degree. Enterprising as ever, she has now chosen to pursue a career in the soft porn industry, going for a job at local smut channel Buff TV. As a result she had something of a surreal week, one minute filming busty beauties, the next contending with Nancy’s sqeaking feminist outrage, the next demanding that Archie film her in her undies (bro-sis sexual tension has been lacking in the ‘Oaks for a good while now). She is now adding noncing to the list, using distinctly underage – yet disturbingly hot – Theresa in her naughty films. Tut tut.

aspirational stuff:

As ever Hollyoaks is keen to inspire ambition and entrepreneurial endeavour by showing its characters strive for enviable careers: actress and top model/brass (Theresa), administrator of the Tan’n'Tumble (Loretta) and embryonic pornographer/pimp (Zoe). Who needs careers advisors eh?

in other news:

It’s GCSE results time and the young ‘uns break into school to get a first look and to homage 8Os John Hughes films; Newt’s results bring a mixed bag of “rewards” – a congratulatory text from rubbish social worker, blanked by his skanky crack whore mother and packed off on a week’s holiday in Spain with Frankie. Umm…; Jack is a miserable fucker, as usual; Darren’s latest scheme to get his hands on the Dog involves sabotaging poor Dom’s cooking and poisoning most of the customers; Cindy and Tony decide to get married. Aww; gone are the happy clappy Wrigleys kids, the ‘Oaks is now accompanied by Load and Go nerds Matt and Sam. We like them. They are pretty.

film student moments

A bizarre game of metaphorical chess involving Darren, Cindy, Tony and Hannah.

A Miss Hollyoaks 2009 pageant involving Zoe, Loretta and Cindy.

quotes

“Ooh Sarah – you know all about degredation” Nancy calls in the big guns for her anti Zoe-pornography protest.

“I don’t mind sleeping with someone to get the gig” Theresa gets ambitious re. her dreams of being a pole dancing/actress/top model/brass.