the dark at the end of a dark tunnel

Posted on October 11, 2009 by admin 3 Comments

Jeez. We thought Hollyoaks Later was dark but that was nothing compared to this week’s Hollyoaks proper, so paranoid and intense it was like being trapped in a Dostoyevsky novel.

There was the aftermath of Sarah’s death (how sweet was Elliot’s rememberings of Sarah’s Dr Who-themed wooing of him?), Jake’s shock return to the village and, of course, Newt’s descent into shrieking madness. Not quite what we had in mind for a relaxing Sunday morning viewing.

Heroes of the week

Jack: he may be a grumpy ex-publican with a criminal record and a dodgy ticker, but Jack was a ledge this week. Be it taking care of Charlie, counselling Lauren, defending Jake or running/diving to the rescue of Newt, he was a one-man fighting force on behalf of other people’s offspring.

Eli: it’s a sign of the times when an imaginary friend is the voice of reason, but the afro’d one really looked out for Newt. Admittedly it was he who came up with the idea of mugging the old lady (and let’s face it the old cow prob deserved it), but he was onto Rae immediately – and had the good sense to attempt to batter her to death with a lump of wood. Things wern’t looking too good for him by the end (he looked pretty dead under the water there) but knowing Eli he’ll be back soon. Loved his anguish at being likened to a gay Penfold too.

Kris: his hardman act a couple of weeks ago left us unconvinced, but this week he seemed more than capable of taking out Jake in protection of Nancy. Aww.

Archie: other than Kris, the one person who seemed to give a monkeys about Zoe’s wrongful imprisonment. And he shouted at Lydia. Hooray.

Villains of the week

Jake: being locked up in an asylum for a year or so doesn’t seem to have stopped Jake being all creepy and intense, or weirdly obsessed with baby Charlie. Smashed up Darren’s flat too, which we say is simply not on. As mentally unhinged, sexual deviants go we prefer John Stape.

Rae: a morbid, alter-emo with a death wish and way too much eye make up. Does it get any more sinister than that? A manifestation of Newt’s feelings of hopelessness and despair, Rae took the whole ‘imaginary friend’ thing to a whole new level by have a bit of sexy fun with Newt. Um. We could say something rude and inappropriate about this. But we wont. Anyhoo, a great alternative baddie, she was last seen swaying eerily under the water, a goth siren calling Newt to his death. We hope she comes back.

Loretta: she is like one of those crazy bints you read about in Chat magazine who end up marrying the Yorkshire Ripper in prison. You crazy pole dancer you!

Mike and Lydia: Boo hiss! Myra Hindley did a great line in mental, playing the grieving widow and babbling about she and Sarah adopting orphans, or something. Worse for poor old Zoe was the DILF declaring that she should ‘rot in hell’. After the tearful grief sex she gave him last week we think that is downright rude.What a betch. Also, like her two children and the attempted abduction of one of them by psychos, the untimely demise of her sister was also not good enough reason for Amy return to the village. Huh!

Quotes:

“Why were you going away with two lesbians in the first place?” Zoe’s mum asks a pertinent question.

“There he is!” Jack and Frankie react to seeing their runaway mentally ill adoptive child by screaming and running after him.

Darren: “Be careful you dont cut your throat”

Jake: “Or yours?” The Osborne-Dean stepbros bond.

“Who hits a door?” another pertinent question, this time from Darren, on Jake’s flat mashing

“I’m hiding from the dark aswell, its scratching at the door trying to get in” Newt gets, like, deep as he explains his state of mind (or lack thereof) to Rae.

OMG moment

The entire end sequence, with Newt, Rae and Eli all lost under the water. Beautiful, haunting, unbearably tense (would Newt survive? Did he want to?), up there with Sarah’s death scene as the best thing Hollyoaks has done in ages.

So yeah. What a week. Cant wait to watch tonight’s X-Factor for some light-as-souffle, free of tragedy fun. Oh.