thoughts from the offline

Posted on January 23, 2010 by admin No Comments

Thanks to work, weddings (not ours) and Virgin Media apparently not loving the idea of allowing us access to television or broadband, our viewage of Hollyoaks has been sketchy of late. We have, however, done our best to learn what important life lessons we could:*

• the best way to deal with an anorexic with a serious case of the denials is to lock her in a room whilst others queue up to shout at her. Clearly one from the Airplane school of eating disorder treatment.
• bed bound anorexics vaguely resemble Regan in the Exorcist.
• it doesn’t matter how hot your vag is, illicit sex seshes will be rendered undesirable to your hot bald headed lover after a night of passive aggressive poker bonding with your cuckolded hubby.
• returning home from Canadia to find both of your surviving friends in hospital will leave you, understandably, looking a bit perturbed.
• Skins-style houseparties only exist in Skins. (take note, Anita)
• All Cindy and Tony have done for the first two months of their marriage is argue. Fact.
• Lollypop men are a fountain of advice about eating disorders and friends who may (or as it turns out, actually may not) be trying it on with your girlfriend
• Newt’s pretentious/apt ring tone is ‘supermassiveblackhole’
• A goth and a chav combine malevolent forces and the best they can come up with is locking someone in a cupboard.
• Chav princesses do not respond well to being locked in cupboards (see above) and, apparently, have an expiry date.
• invisible bees exist. and they can sting you.
• amount of time it takes for 2×2 pramface to lose interest in caring for her abandoned offspring in favour of a job at the local beauty emporium: approx. 36 hours.
• it is more desirable to falsely confess to being a cross dressing homosexual than it is to admit you use your aunt’s dirty knickers as wank enablers.
• the only career option for a ditzy artist type is to run of to paris to be the assistant/whore of a pretentious bearded artist man in a dodge Casablanca homage/rip off
• Elliot does not like French people. “They’re rude”.
• there is an apparent outbreak of superfertility in the village, with both Hayley and Cheryl’s eggos preggo. god help us all.
• ‘bubblegum’: Sasha and Lauren’s verdict on Cheryl’s look. (ours: pre-op) (joking, we love you Cheryl)
• epically dull love triangles involving Steph and Gilly/Max/Fernando/Niall/whoever will continue for what seems like eternity until, presumably, blood vessels are busting in our brains, spinal fluid is leaking from our eyes and we are screaming out for mercy.
• despite being the most interesting character, bonkers Myra Hindley lookalikes are strangely/criminally absent.

*note, much of this has probably changed/been resolved in the episodes we have missed. Or then again, maybe not.