ladies gaga
hey there party people. We may be full of cold here at WLH towers but that simply meant that we were nice and sofa’d up in time for tonight’s CH4/E4 double bill. Yay. So, given last week’s wall-related rubbishness and unexpected caravan, what did the Hollyverse have in store for us?
Well, the womenfolk of Hollyoaks are all kinds of crazy aren’t they? It’s often overlooked in the face of the rampant sexual deviancy and sartorial masterclassing displayed by the men, but today, happily, was a veritable oestrogen fest of insanity:
caroline
Who she? You may be asking, if you haven’t seen her with your own eyes. The brand new Hollyoaks psycho, that’s who! Yep, filling the Lydia-shaped hole in our world, caravan-dwelling Caroline is here to torment Jake, grimy faced rugrat Johnny in tow. We always thought Jake’s mini break at Chester’s asylum was suspiciously drama free, so it’s not a massive surprise that this cold eyed nutter has arrived on the scene with tales of crippled mental health workers, folders of Jake-related press clippings and the creepiest H samuel tat ever (dog tags featuring baby charlie’s face anyone?).
The icky yellow-tinged caravan rutting couldn’t last for long, however, and Caroline had soon incapacitated Jake with the trusty vase-to-the-head technique. Love it, love her – keep up the good work!
mercedes
Always teetering on the edge of sexual mania, our fave vacuum vag has finally swan dived right in, unleashing a shit storm on Calvin that may very well end up with his death, gleefully telling Sasha that her bro let Warren die. The moral of this cautionary tale? Never ever turn down sex with Mercy. Not that we ever would.
cindy
The pale faced one played it low key for once, but for one amazing appearance: skulking menacingly in the background as Loretta tried to phone Jake, like Chester’s very own Sadako. Before you die you see her.
other female mentalism of note: Carmel lets the Warren shaped cat out of the bag to Mercy; Amy – joins HCC – her latest scheme to neglect her kids. We give it a week; Myra playing the temptress to Ralph the builder of Bevin’s builders. Ewww; Michaela masquerades as a pov (not too big a stretch TBF) in order to save the McQueen hovel
the mcqueens=aspirational
The US has The Hills, but who needs the glamourous exploits of Lauren, Speidi and co when we have the McQueens? Behold how Malachy pimps out his wife, Mercedes flaunting her bountiful wares in order to scam £250 quid out of some Olly Murs lookalikes. Work hard at school kids and this could be you!
p.s who really gives a f*ck that the McQueens are being turfed out of their hovel?
night night *with a hacking cough*
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