hello. it's good to be back?
After a month long hiatus it was a relief indeed to return to the glorious/bonkers world of Hollyoaks, probably because it was pretty much business as usual:
Suspects are getting in line for the whoshotCalvindunnit, with Mal (superhero name: the passiveaggressor), Jake, Sasha, Lauren, Gaz and a mysterious note leaver all baying for his blood in one way or another.
The other potential shooter is, of course, mad bad superslut Mercy. A veritable Eyjafjallajökull of sexual desire (see what we did there? Topical), she is inflicting her own ash cloud of chaos on unsuspecting Carmel, with covert wedding cancellage, wedding cake ceramic destruction and just general mardy cowness all in the mix. Not so subtle is her pursuit of Calvin himself, which seems to take the form of waving her minge at him every now and then. To nil effect this week, but TBF this has been a fairly successful strategy up until now.
Whilst on the subject of minge waving, Steph is still on a mish to prise Gilly from Jem’s clutches. We’ve got to hand it to her, she’s tenacious d. Yet, despite roping in Darren (-swoon – always seems to be on call for a spot of scally espionage) her efforts were once again thwarted – resulting in an extended gag about bro/sis incest – and, thanks to the arrival of her love letter to Gilly, Jem is on to her. But, like a mountie (or a big old slut), we suspect Steph will get her man.
The other happening of note is Zack’s turn to the dark side. Our once cheery scouser is now a brooding pit of grief and festering racism. His fists of fury attack on Tariq and angry face off with nameless punter in the Loft heralds a less fun Mr Ramsay. Sad face.
in other news
arthur or martha, silver fox seeking a larger lady, allotments, taxidermy…it’s the creme da la creme on Chester’s lonely hearts.
Cost of flights to barcelona : £500, fake abortion: £2,000, the look on Lauren’s face when Spencer tells Sasha about the baby: priceless.
Michaela manages to scam her way onto an internship at the Chester Herald because, unlike ‘posh students’ she’s had a hard life. Hear that kids? Sod getting a degree, all you need is a family history that read like Chat magazine’s back catalogue.
A glorious, screeching Mercy v Cheryl catfight. Mercy wins.
The McQueens get to keep their home. Hoo-ray?
Anita nicks the entire days takings from Relish to buy some random festival tickets. Ravi fails to notice.
Jake takes umbrage at Calvin not re-employing him at the Loft, putting this down to Calvin thinking he is better than everyone else. NO JAKE, ITS BECAUSE YOU ARE MENTAL AND RAN OVER HIS MUM. OKAY?
We are treated to not one but two comedy pratfalls – a drunken Cheryl on her slag heels, Darren over the arm of a sofa.
quotes
“You know what, Darren? I never get tired of punching you” Gilly voices general public opinion.
“I know you want this” Mercy, waving ‘that’ in Calvin’s face. Calvin legs it.
MYEYESNOTTHEBEES
Myra rubs her cleavage in the face of Roy the council drone then purrs about ‘chocolate fingers’.
Myra and Leo (dressed as a werewolf) shag on a kitchen worksurface.
that is all.
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