behold the glory that is Hollyoaks

Posted on June 7, 2010 by admin 3 Comments

We have to admit that the post-who shot Calvin episodes left us feeling a bit underwhelmed, but that is all forgiven because last week’s Hollyoaks was FUCKING AWESOME.

yet another crazy bint!

There must be some special ingredient in Jake’s demon seed. Fresh from driving cold eyed caravan dweller Caroline murderously bonkers with his McLovin, it is now pudding faced Loretta’s turn to do a Glenn Close. Now we’ve never been a massive fan of the flighty poledancer, but this inexplicable personality change (up there with Des’s recent transformation into an evil racist Geordie for WTFness) is finally a Loretta we can roll with. Her crazed agenda includes:

• Mobile phone theft
• Stalking hapless estate agents
• Sleep watching
• Assaulting lesbians
• Cussing Jake’s hair and general appearance (which, in all honesty, is a legitimate gripe)

Way more fun than the original Loretta. More of her please.

Darren: legend

He really is, and his t-shirt testified to this. It was vintage Mr Osborne this week. Having been mentor to both Newt and Duncan in recent times, he now offered sage advice to Josh on surviving life in jail including strategies for playing snap with hardcases and a crash course in how to eat nail file sandwiches. Utterly adorable stuff.

We were also treated to sexy Darren when, once again, he indulged his passion for married women by almost Fing the MILF. What a guy.

Sartorially, he was epic: gold leopard print hoodies, pink vests, zebra print cowboy boots and a diamante bejewelled blazer and, of course, a stunning scene where he fried sausages in naught but a leopard print pants and a novelty pinny.

One word: SWOON

kyle ryder is back. Hooray!

Probably our most favourite Savage Garden-themed gangster EVER returned to the village to make a nuisance of himself. More things that we love about him:

• His occasional cockney accent
• He drives a BMW. That’s how proper posh he is.
• His Ikea-furnished flat
• His Debenhams for Men cotton boxers and the fact that he ponces around in them rather a lot
• The way he brings blonde headed sluts called Stacey home for a bit of silk-sheeted loving
• That he employs Theresa for domestic services, no doubt for less than minimum wage

We love him and want him in every single episode from now on.

olly – not a nice chap

The other personality change occurring in Hollyoaks this week was that of oddball student Olly. Until now a non-threatening suitor of Amy’s with all the sexual menace of an otter, he morphed into a sinister wannabe rapist armed with cut price Harvey Wallbangers and shit anecdotes about Kasabian. Things were looking bleak for Amy until Ste came to her rescue, besting Olly with a strategically aimed doll to the head. Hooray!

have you ever noticed…

…that Jacqui has a really tiny face? Slight personality change for her too: despite her wasteland of a womb she turned down the chance of playing Mummy to Theresa’s illegitimate ONS spawn. Wore an interesting green top and black basque ensemble too.

if you’ve been affected by any of the issues in Hollyoaks helpine plot alert

Steph + cervical cancer. Spends a day weeping over oranges in Mobs.

MYEYES

After a long winter hiatus Frankie’s middle aged breasts make a reappearance. *shudders*

in other new

The village is terrorised by a rogue gang of council estate chavs who are, improbably, sent packing by Josh; in an unrelated matter, Josh is sent daaaaan; Leo weeps into the washing , tormented by ironically named racehorses (“prodigal son”); for the 1000th time, Gaz and Lauren discuss running away but don’t. When they aren’t being depraved they are actually quite sweet; Ricky’s miserablist dad attempts to recruit Kris into helping him end it all. Do it Kris, just do it; Tom is text-stalked by some underage sluts called Milly and Chardonnay

All in all, we love Hollyoaks. We really do.