"she’s doing my tits in"

Posted on June 9, 2010 by admin 1 Comment

Thus was Mr WLH’s verdict on Theresa as she moped through this week’s Hollyoaks. But who can blame her? Knocked up with a dead copper’s spawn, harassed by Jacqui to get rid, simpered over by phantom pregged (obvs) Carmel, given evils by every random baby in the village, no wonder she has a face longer than Mercy’s prescription history for STD relief.

That said, she managed to perk up enough to get all holier than thou with Lauren when she fessed up to not being pregnant with Spencer’s love child. That’s right, holier than thou with Lauren, one time BFF and sister of the man she just killed #mcqueenselfawarenessfail

“curse my arse”

Yes, more opinions from Mr WLH, this time on the magnificently underwhelming Rae-is-cursed storyline. We rather liked the chav princess when she was all eye liner and snarling at Newt. Now, it’s all lockets filled with protection spells and climbing on fecking walls – can we die the early death please?

daz n dunc

Another busy week for Darren – our one stop shop for adolescent angst solving and general SWOONimity. Not only did he give Ricky a makeover (see our f-f-fashion supplement below), he also became unwilling landlord to slappable teenage lovebirds Newt and Rae, who repaid his kindness by thieving his one remaining can of random brand beer and setting fire to his flat.

It wasn’t all happy times though, Darren was spotted sat on his own eating a bag of chips and was later given a less than warm reception at The Dog by his grudge holding bastard of a dad Jack. Awww, sadface.

Our fave embryonic sex offender Duncan had a slightly better week, being caught masterbating in the shower by the MILF and later getting a nuzzle in her ample bosoms. Though the kerfuffle with Ricky’s dad upset him a little bit, this did give us a chance to see his serious, emotive side which made him resemble a three year old concentrating on passing a particularly large poo.

f-f-fashion

In our occasional feature we look at the sartorial shithotness often displayed by our Hollyoaks heroes:

Frankie spends the week dressed as an 80s whore, at one point with earrings resembling ornate toilet chain handles; Darren’s makeover for Ricky= leopard print shirt chain and alligator print leather pants; Jacqui sports a spectacularly tassled bag; Nancy continues to dress as a 50s hottie; Newt dares to accuse Darren’s beautiful silk kimono of being fake and then has the audacity to shag Rae in it later. Bastard.

random brand watch

Anita stalks her birth mum via random brand search engine Swoosh

in other news

Kris pussies out of enabling Ricky’s miserablist Dad to do us all a favour and rid the world of his miserablist face; Duncan inexplicably manages to talk India into going on a child protection register-friendly date with Ricky; Summer pops gets the go ahead – more nonsensical news from the Chester Herald; Anita is rejected by her gigantic toothed Emmerdale mum; following her altercation with Darren last week, the MILF continues to flirt with him. Ho: E4 first look still has Calvin in the opening sequence, haunting us with his abs

quotes

“Fake? Everything about me is real” *administers hair straighteners*. Classic Darren.