"i do not have thrush!"
Thus was our favourite quote from last week’s Hollyoaks (courtesy of Duncan, during a comedic trying-to-romance Cheryl subplot). What else did Hollyoaks have to delight us?
evil geordies
After a quiet few weeks, soap’s first geordie secondary school teacher-cum-BNP-posterboy stepped up his racialist agenda thanks to the arrival of his scary sister Rose. With a face that could freeze the Tyne, Rose was generally unimpressed with everyone and everything, from Des’s choice in girlfriends, to the impromptu boxing class taking place in the village, to the very sight of Anita (which is, admittedly, something that afflicts us all). More significantly, Rose was unimpressed with her baby bro’s lack of ambition as a violent racist. “Remember where you come from” she hissed, suggesting that the north east is a hotbed of embryonic bigots (It’s not btw – WLH Emma).
Amid tales of his being bitchslapped by teenage geordie sluts called Lisa Critchley and Debra Marsden and forced attendance at boxing lessons, a somewhat Oedipally-challenged Des duly stepped up. First, he tried and failed to best Ravi in a sparring match, getting a black eye for his troubles. Then he resorted to graffitiing Relish. Next he embarked on the ambitious double bill of recruiting Gaz to terrorize Anita (see below) and tear gassing Relish. The latter was particularly impressive*, given that it was broad daylight – the most brazen criminal act since Warren decked Mark Gasgoyne at a similar time of day – and where exactly did he get that terrorist outfit and tear gas from?
Anyhoo, rather than revelling in his post-tear gas glory spent Des moped around looking suspiciously like he was going to vom. Guilt perhaps? Rose would not approve.
gaz is set up
Our fave skinhead had a busy week. Seemingly forever wandering round the village armed with a duffle bag, he thieved some galaxies from the Drive’n'Buy (manned by the world’s mutest shop assistant) in order to treat Lauren to a picnic in the park.
When the ungrateful cow later dumped him, he amused himself by picking on Anita (a not entirely unjustified passtime). This however took a genuinely sinister turn when, under the Dark Sidious-like prompting by Des, he lured the mini Roy out to the woods.
What he planned to do with her we can only speculate (he inexplicably failed to gag her, the first thing we would have done), but the police were soon spoiling the fun and carting him off to be charged with Calvin’s murder thanks to the gun planted on him by Jacqui. FREE THE CHESTER ONE, we say.
“having cancer could make me a star!”
It was never going to last. Having previously reported of Steph’s uncharacteristically noble stance in the wake of her cancerfied cervix, it is of little surprise that she has now reverted back to gold digga type and now plans to cash in her cancer sufferer/widowed/orphan guardian status by butchering show tunes on X Factor
WTFness
Maybe Glastonbury fucked our heads right up, but we were saying ‘Eh??’ a lot this week:
Eh?#1: Tony makes plans to shack up with the lady previously seen being knocked over by a car, then goes home and tells Cindy he wants a divorce. End of. No further reference to this storyline.
Eh?#2: Suzanne tells Nev she slept with Darren. Shock! Horror! Lucky cow etc. End of. No further reference to this storyline.
Eh?#3: Newt heads to scotland with his skank crack whore mum, with brand new baby bro in tow. End of. No further reference to this storyline, no goodbyes to Darren or Lauren, just a voiceover goodbye to just turned 18/still alive Rae. We are assuming he has been culled.
in other news
80p a head – the pushing the boat out budget for the LGB night catering; Cheryl dons a truly amazing outfit of gold leggings, ra ra skirt, lace see-through top and blue bra. Fashion. Icon.
quotes
“The golden ticket for Cheryl and her chocolate factory” Zack to Duncan, on wooing Cheryl. Eww.
*in no way does We Love Hollyoaks endorse teargassing short arsed burger bar owners who vaguely resemble a peanut filled condom.
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