always believe in your soul
Soooo Hollyoaks. Hollyoaks. Hollyoaks. Hollyoaks. Sometimes you can be amazing, sometimes not so much. Or sometimes you have dull-as storylines about fashion shows and runaway families but with flashes of pure gold, like this week:
GOLD!
The somewhat inexplicable theft of the McQueen’s housefull of tat was not a one off – turns out Brendan is a bit of a villain, especially if his threatening of Ste is anything to go by. Except. We are struggling to take him seriously. Not with that moustache. He says or does something menacing. But then we see it. It’s like its watching us.
GOLD!
Who’s the biggest pouter in Hollyoaks? First up we have kickboxing epic whinger Jem, who recounted past horrors of crippled boyfriends whilst pouting at Carl for 20 minutes:
Newcomer Gabby says very little (although when she does it is incomprehensible scouse). Instead she merely pouts in Tony’s general direction.
In the U18 category we have scowling whingebag Anita. The wind changed so she stayed like that.
GOLD!
Look at this picture. Everything about it is made of wrong. Yet it’s so right.
Which brings us to Eva. Until now, this lion-toothed skank annoyed the tits off us. This week however, we realised what an astounding human being she actually is. That she survived birthing Anita is proof enough, but this week she displayed epic levels of brilliance – no bottle of wine was left un-necked, no roast dinners unburnt and her parenting skills were second to none: not only did she dress Anita in stolen goods, she injected a spot of incestfest fun into the Roy household by shagging Ravi.
O. M. G.
Telling a justly horrified Anita about it was a stroke of genius. Ravi is clearly smitten. As are we. And we’ve deffo seen her before:
Eva:
Marsha from Spaced:
GOLD!
As they heart to hearted for what seemed like centuries, Carl and Jem demonstrated some ambitious standing moodily:
The reverse stance:
The rarely seen ‘twist manoeuvre’:
Outstanding.
GOLD!
Sponsor-of-Hollyoaks Nikon Coolpix clearly knows where the party’s at:
GOLD!
After Mr Roy and Nev, we have a new scary faced man in the village – Phil, the shouty cockerney estranged hubby of Gabby.
*hides behind settee*
GOLD!
quotes:
“For the record, I’d never sleep with a blood relative” Eva sets the record straight.
“He’s only human, love. I mean, look at me”. Girl’s got a point. Eva defends Ravi’s tupping of her.
“All brothers sleep with their sister’s mums, don’t they?”, an outraged Anita has clearly forgotten that this is Hollyoaks.
“I can tell your weasel voice anywhere” Michaela to Rhys.
“You were only a rebound from Gilly anyway” *flounces out*. Jem hometruths on learning of Ravi’s Eva shaggage.
“Nobody turns this down” Mitzeee, after Carl turns that down. Error, Carl, error (see below)
in other news
Steph decides to ‘give something back’ following her cancer ordeal. This may end up being a musical or a sponsored walk. Shutting TFU would be more aggreeable; after he served some smoothies to some tarts in Mobs, we are starting to wonder if Louie is a ghost afterall? If he isn’t, consider us proper vexed; hot on the heels of the Costellos, another new family hit the village in the form of Gabby’s teenage sprogs and scary hubby (see above). So that we remembered the names of said sprogs, their names were REPEATED. A. LOT. REMEMBER. THEIR. NAMES. BITCH (they’re called Amber and Taylor – hey, it worked); Tony is a dunker; Theresa totters around all week with a baby bump and heels; FFS - we spoke too soon last week – Malachy is still around and newbie Lyndsey blatantly wants a bit of the HIV flavoured romancer. We predict a tug of love with Cheryl. Like Brandy and Monica via B*Witched; Heidi pimps out her plank son to win the fashion show storyline – Riley in teeny tiny pants…we like; there is a spectacular awkward turtle moment when Mitzeee reveals her Carl shaggage at the fashion show storyline; for reasons unknown (because we missed half of the episode), Michaela now has pink hair.
Despite all the Au on display this week loses points for there being no Darren or Duncan.
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