stuff wot happened in Hollyoaks last week
So. There’s a cull on the way, did you know? Which meant last week’s Hollyoaks was funsies…
and so we’ve come to the end of the road…
Sadly, as we suspected last week, it was curtains for barmy Loretta. She may have been able to run rings round Jake and the rest of the Osborne-Deans, but Nancy was having none of it. A face/off in a curiously blue tinged classroom followed and what promisingly looked like a battle royale between mental blonde and shrill brunette in actual fact ended up being a tearful showdown where Jake, of all people, saved the day as Loretta was encouraged to share her experiences of piano teacher noncing and general mental breakdown. Then, meek as a kitten with mumps she was carted off to Chester asylum. She will be missed.
a date with des-tiny
Poor old Jacqui. One minute she was having idyllic picnics eating coleslaw and kiwi fruit with her unoffensive unintelligible geordie boyfriend, the next she was discovering that he is the local racist with a penchant for teargassing the neighbourhood burger emporium. The fickle finger of fate eh? Plus it looks as though Des’s days of a somewhat inept evildoer are numbered.
Since no McQueen has ever knowingly allowed the happiness of another McQueen, Michaela seemed to deliver the news to her big sister with particular glee. TBF she had learned of Zack’s days as a padawan racialist and there is still the truth of his fists of fury beating of Tariq, which he seemed to conveniently neglect to mention. Naughty.
60% of the time it works, every time
Having previously been locked in a storage container by chavs and scooped her own boyfriend, Michaela demonstrated more Chester Herald investigative practices: shouting at Kris until he talked to her, researching dodgy teachers by repeatedly typing Des Townsend racist into random brand search engine Swoosh and, finally, entrapping said dodgy teachers into confessing on camera (admittedly, this was Zack’s doing). Lois Lane – eat your heart out, pet.
Thanks to Michaela’s journalistic endeavors we had the opportunity to hang out at the offices of the mighty Chester Herald. We have long been a fan of Chester’s finest rag and it was a particularly busy news week, not only the scoopage of evil Des but also a chlorine debate taking place about the civic pool, amid reports of an outbreak of eye infections. Shocking stuff. We were also treated to some of its dazzling headlines – many of which were displayed about the office:
- Police warn northgate shoppers about pickpockets
- Wiped out on wedding day (was this a reference to Max?)
- Baby abandoned in church (Cindy and Holly?)
- Freak weather halts Chester races
60% of Chester residents read it doncha know.
sorted for Eees
Can we just say how much we love Mitzeee? She’s a minx. Aka the far less glam Anne, she reminds us of Mercedes before she got all boring and married, and she exhibits a distinctly McQueen-esque lack of regard for family loyalty by shagging cousin Heidi’s fella. “Don’t pretend you don’t want this” she purred to Carl, waving ‘this’ in his general direction in a Mercy-ish fashion. “She’s relentless” observed Mr WLH, not wholly disapprovingly. Despite her sterling efforts, Carl opted to pretend. Fool.
MYEYES
Two words. Frankie’s breasts.
quotes
It was a hometruths fest this week:
“Why are you bothered, he tried to rape you remember?” Kris questions Nancy’s attempts to help Jake.
“I think you look like an 80s throwback. And not in a good way” Jake to Frankie re. her dress sense.
“It’s always about you – you’re vain, selfish, self obsessed. What about all that stuff about wanting to become a popstar? I mean, come on! You’re stubborn, spoilt and you sulk when you don’t get your own way. I can’t even propose without you making a drama out of it. Steph, you’ve got cancer, it’s not a licence for you to act like some self centred brat”, Gilly let rips at Steph. Hurrah. Though they did, eventually, get engaged. Boo.
“I’ve had better shits than that” Mr WLH, after a particularly dull episode.
in other news
Elliot meets an alien/care in the community/sex pest called Kevin. It’s a sign of how random Hollyoaks is that this didn’t even slightly raise our eyebrows ; Kris gets a job at a bank and spends about two episodes whinging about it (soon to be culled for defs) ; Cindy and Cheryl try and fail to pull Carl Costello; Il Gnosh hosts a swingers lunch; we cannot wait to meet Alfonse, Heidi Costello’s interior designer. Apparently he’s all about primary colours and dark wood flooring; we learn that Seth is the name of the other plank Costello son; Steph is laughed out of X Factor auditions; the village archway seems to have replaced the pointless jetty outside The Dog as the ‘standing moodily spot (right)
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