secret families, scary brendan and jacqui gets some

Posted on October 16, 2010 by admin 1 Comment

Let’s do this.

we are family

So, scary faced Phil’s dark secret was revealed to be a 2nd family who conveniently lived down the road. The family consisted of an annoying Stepford wife who appeared to do nothing but cook oven pizzas, an annoying SAS obsessed son called Trey and another son called Arlo, who was less annoying but vaguely resembled a thumb with hair.

Taylor was, understandably, upset at discovering his dad’s said secret and spilled the beans to mentalist sister Amber. Hooray. We don’t like Amber, she reminds of those creepy children who have chosen to be mute. Except she isn’t even mute. So NOBODY WINS.

What’s more – what’s with Phil and the v-necks? He has this little patch of hair just below his adam’s apple that v-necks frame with horrific results. Myeyes.

brendan watch

There was another epic Brendan rampage, this time where he went medieval on an innocent mobile phone as a horrified Ste looked on. Once again, words cannot do it justice so here it is:

The cause of all this aggro was revealed to be Macca, a teeny tiny irishman who showed up at Chez Chez to stare puppily at Brendan. Yep, it’s a safe bet that young Macca was Brendan’s bit on the side when he was cheating on Oileen. Sadly, we may never get to learn the truth as the little one disappeared after going for a ‘walk’ with Brendan, Brendan later spotted with ominously bloody knuckles, claiming that Macca had returned to Oirland. Yeah, via a gimp mask/sex dungeon probably.

other Brendan happenings: he displayed an interesting new pincer-like hand gesture when close to Ste’s face (right); he went on a lunch date with Jacqui (who is a popular girl atm – see below); kind Brendan – he gave penniless student pramface Amy a few hundred quid to save her latent career in AmDram; not so kind Brendan – he cruelly/wisely crumples up a flyer for MasKara infront of Leanne

you wait for ages for a bus and then three come along at once

Except we’re not talking about buses, we’re talking about men. And we’re not referring to us, we’re referring to Jacqui. Yes, our fave barmaid/poster girl for sex worker chic is a veritable honeypot to the village’s male bees with three suitors on her tail. It must be the lipliner. Admittedly, she is on beard duty with Brendan, but Rhys and the as-yet-offscreen Danny Huston are deffo keen – and Jacqui did what any self respecting wannabe gangsters moll and potential Mrs Ashworth would do and went out with both of them.

p.s. Rhys and Jacqui shagging= champagne cork popping metaphor. Ew.

masKagrrrrrrr

Okay, so we love Lee. He is a Hollyoaks legend and we are proper glad he is back. But JESUS H CHRIST the Maskara storyline bored the tits off us. Even the characters themselves tired of it, Texas and Jamil both buggering off as if they too had grown weary of Lee’s OTTness, Jem’s pouting and the repetitive ‘the script’s rubbish’ ‘shall we tell Lee?’ ‘No’ type conversations that happened EVERY SINGLE EPISODE. Then when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, it rather enterprisingly did, when Steph arrived to BTM her cancer all over it. FFS.

But, at least it’s all over now. And we did enjoy Darren’s shockingly brief stint as director, whose stage directions were limited to ‘do it again’ and ‘more lips’. In your face, Sam Mendes.

a few words about Tom

We know this may be a contentious issue as Tom appears to be loved by all, but that kid FREAKS US OUT! Why doesn’t he age? What deal has he made with Satan to keep him so young? And why? What is his game plan? He is evil, we tell you. PURE EVIL.

in other news

despite no longer being a barnacled face presence in the village, Nev continues to be a bastard – after selling both The Dog and the Osborne-Dean’s home from beneath the feet of its residents, he has now sold the Drive’n'Buy, leaving Gilly jobless

quotes:

“Oi loik yer Steven ya remoind me of me, a decent goi looking out fer is kids best interests” yes, Brendan, what you like about prettyboy Ste is his responsible attitude to parenting.

“There’s better meat down the freezer shop in town”, Rhys on Jacqui‘s ‘lumps’

“You are one unique individual Darren Osborne” for once, Jem says something worthwhile.