the week after the inferno

Posted on November 28, 2010 by admin 6 Comments

Right it’s taken us a while to get this written, so we hope you can think back to the week after Inferno Week and the many many non-Brendan-related goodies Hollyoaks had for us:

bye bye badger

So, adding one more to Inferno Week‘s woeful death toll, the passive aggressor shuffled from this mortal coil. The details of his demise were sketchy. Lyndsey said something about the blast damaging his ‘internal organs’. Isn’t it lucky that such horrific injuries didn’t disfigure him in any way?

Anyway, never one to take decisive action, Mal lingered between this world and the next, appearing to Mercy to offer her spiritual guidance like the world’s crappest Jedi.

It was a relief then it was up to Mercy and Kris, who returned for one night only to dish out some home truths and look spookily like an older, haggard member of Hanson, to switch off his life support.

Eventually/thankfully they did and Mercy was thus widowed. In terms of scores then, she has now been twice married (to Mal and to Russ)? And now she is free again to slag her way around the world (though let’s face it, marriage never stopped her doing this anyway). One word: yay!

“where’s the slut that killed my Mal?”

And so began the week’s craziest scene, an episode-long shriek fest where Mrs Fisher, Lyndsey and Cheryl descended on the McQueen home to, individually and/or collectively,  shout at and slap Mercy. In their defence, Mercy provokes this kind of reaction in just about everyone she meets, unless she is shagging them in a toilet cubicle.

Things of note in this scene:

Despite the fact he died from mysterious injuries sustained whilst saving her from an exploding restaurant, Mercy managed to cut short any grieving for Mal by announcing how he’d slapped her, thereby exonerating her for cheating on him, falsely accusing him of giving her the hiv and generally making his life a misery. As BTMs go it was truly epic.

Having hitherto displayed no discernible personality, Lyndsey now displayed a variety of them, as she supported Mrs Fisher/slagged off her cooking, defended Mercy/attacked her. Didn’t make her any more interesting though.

Myra necking white wine and Weisbrau with typical abandon. Duncan’s rapt interest in the drama unfold around him. Cheryl’s face throughout.

does a whisperer shit in the woods?

Our questions about where Warren is living these days appeared to be answered when he met Mandy outside a creepy, Blair Witchy shed in the woods. A genuinely weird scene that seemed to last the entire episode, Warren and Mandy yet again argued about the outcome of Inferno Week, Mandy suspiciously distraught, Warren suspiciously whatevs (see quotes below). After threatening to leave him, Mandy was apparently won round by yet more of Warren‘s DIY psychoanalysis (“That pain you feel when you think about what you’ve lost, that’s not going anywhere” “Love and hate…there’s a very fine line” etc). They were last seen hugging, no doubt en route to some tearful whispery guilt sex on the woodland floor.

Eek.

On the subject of the whisperer – another scene of him menacing Theresa. Right, we understand that he is upset that she has somehow prevented him from being “dead happily ever after” but does that give him the right to poke his tongue out in a thoroughly unsavoury manner? No. Only Brendan can get away with that kind of thing.

the gay test

So you want to find out whether your gangster bro is gay (and in no way does his magnificent Mercury-style tash answer this for you).  What to do? Just ask him these three simple questions!:

1. Who is your favourite thespian?

A – elderly homosexual X-man Sir Ian McKellen

B – big titted pouting bombshell Scarlett Johansson

2. What do you moisturise with?

A – green tea moisturiser

B – the tears of small children

3. Who am I most likely to find you in bed with?

A – young hobbit-like men or ratboys

B – a McQueen (John Paul notwithstanding)

Answers:

Mostly As: yes, your bro is gay. Best keep him supplied with tea, toast and young nightclub workers.

Mostly Bs: your brother appears to be Warren. Or Tony.

p.s For all of the attention Cheryl gave to the green tea skincare solutions, she inexplicably overlooked Brendan’s choice of aftershave – Zeus. Surely more the name of a Soho club or a gladiator?

toast

What was with the toast obsession this week? Pretty much every episode had a reference to it.

par example:

We have already swooned over Brendan’s innovative use of this breakfast favourite, but he was also munching on it as Cheryl embarked on her Gay Test.

When Tony and the Sharpe’s sought refuge at the Costellos (WTF? btw) Heidi immediately offered them toast. Somewhat insensitve given their home had just been incinerated but what the hey.

“We were this close to being toast” said Amber, of she and Finn’s, sadly unsuccessful, brush with death. “I wish I was toast” Finn lamented (this was twinned with some excellent underage standing moodily).

So what could be the significance of the toast? Could it represent the secrets each character is hiding – Tony‘s guilt, Brendan’s manlove and Amber’s bun? Or is the Hollyverse reminding us that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?

weird shit

Brendan started the day terrorising Macca with toast dressed in a gray t-shirt, but by the time he got to the hospital to comfort Cheryl he was wearing a white t-shirt.

What? Amber stole a pregnancy test from the Drive n Buy? When did this happen?

Hang on, Taylor spilled the beans to Phil’s 2nd family about his, Amber and Gabby’s existence and we were not privy to this scene? We put up with hours and hours and HOURS of Sharpe shouting, pouting and AMBER and yet we are denied seeing the shit hit the fan? Are you fecking kidding??? GRAAAA!!! *hurls mobile phone in rage*

in other news

So following Rae’s confession of love last week, Ste is now saying that he loves her in return. FFS.

Amy calls time on LAmy. Luckily Leanne is waiting in the wings to claw Lee back for herself. Yay!

We learn that Duncan is being taught about sperm washing at school and that his surname is Button. Aww.

Despite plummeting temperatures Rae opts to ponce about in hotpants and knee high slut socks.

Culled – Elliot heads for NASA via random brand Adieu Airlines and Kevin returns to Alpha Centauri/a secure ward.

Texas is back. Great.

YAWN there’s more smashy smashy from Gilly

Neets and Bart almost shag in a cupboard, but are interrupted by Eva – “It’s your moment” she says “I wont ruin” *exits with a lascivious look back*. Have we ever said how much we love her? Oh yeah, and Ravi is in hospital.

As predicted, Tony is carted off by the filth for starting the fire.

quotes

“Steph’s dead, that’s sad. But she had terminal cancer. She was gonna die anyway. Today. Tomorrow. Whenever.” Warren sums up what we are all thinking.

“I think you’re an absolute saint,” Mrs Fisher to Carmel on learning that she is raising Calvin and Theresa’s lovechild. If being a slappable gurning baby stealer earns you a sainthood these days then we’re all quids in.

“Who cooked it? Jesus?” in a rare display of wit, Lyndsey questions the genesis of last week’s romantic meal for Mercy and Mal

Eva: “Rav’s had a stroke”

Jasmine: “Thought he had an aneurysm?”

Eva: “Well. Sommink to do with ‘is ‘ead”

Eva. Love her.

Brendan: “Oh yeh, oi hear the forecast fer Strangford Loch’s quoite good…”

Macca: “Why would I want to go there?

Brendan *with a fist thump*: “Cos that’s where ye’ll end up if ye don’t get out of here!”

A threat or a recommendation for a pleasant mini break destination? We think the latter, Strangford Loch seems quite nice.

“Me and Ste are quite similar” no, Macca, YOU ARE NOT.

“I hear that despite the five kids you never actually got married?”, Mrs Fisher on ‘Mrs’ McQueen, woefully underestimating the number of McQueen spawn there are/were.

“That’s not illegal you know” Duncan on having sex with your cousin.