(almost) everything that happened in january

Posted on February 2, 2011 by welovehollyoaks 1 Comment

WOO! So, January was a busy month wasn’t it? Here’s our roundup of all the Hollyoaks action:

the (os)borne identity

We love Darren. Have we ever said how much we love Darren? We LOVE him. And not just in a we-want-to-lick-him way.  So of course we were more than pleased that January was unofficially Mr Osborne (Jnr) month as he became a dad, got (briefly) engaged and for one glorious episode resurrected the legendary Darren vest. Here are his best bits *reaches for the smelling salts*

rocking the v-neck sweater look. Mmmm:

proposing. WE’LL BE YOUR WIFE, DARREN! Wife, sex pet, whatever:

the vest. OH GOD. THE VEST *mops brow*:

in the words of Enrique Inglesias, I don’t know why…why…but I love to see you cry. So cry, Darren, CRY! Okay he’s looking a bit emotional here….

…getting dumped by Nancy…a bit teary eyed OH YES….

….finally, the money shot – DARREN CRYING. Awwww:

a tearful Darren talking to two babies *heart melts and is replaced by bunnies and kittens and baby penguins*:

aww finally some happy hugsy times with his unforgiving bastard of a dad. Shame Tom BTMd all over it with his Esther bashing:

two shots of new dad Darren – one in plaid and one for the ladies:

Darren at the business end of Suzanne‘s dilating cervix. It’s wrong that we’re a bit jealous of her, right?

*removes own eyeballs so this is the last thing we ever see*

Swoon.

hellos, goodbyes and oh! it’s you agains

January wasn’t just the football transfer window, with all kinds of to-ings and fro-ings afoot in Chester:

Steph lives

Never let it be said that the Hollyverse lets a nest go empty, particularly when said nest is Frankie’s. The glitter glue on Steph’s bedroom/shrine has barely dried but there is already a usurper in our midst in the shape of Esther, Frankie’s illegitimate granddaughter. Evidently, Frankie has had so many children that one or two have slipped her mind. We can only speculate as to how many more there could be, but we think all Hollyoaks residents should examine their family tree for any evidence that they are the spawn Francine Osborne nee Dean nee Wallis. Or Myra McQueen for that matter, as this is just as equal a risk.

Anyway, Esther rather handily resembles Steph, if Steph’s face was sliced off and glued to that of the puppet from Saw, and we recks she’s here to stay as no amount of battering her about the head with a cricket bat seemed to encourage her to do one. Expect the reopening of Mobs and comedic storylines about aspirations of being famous imminently.

another Button

Who knew Duncan had such a hot sister? Anyway, she was living with the Osbornes but disappeared after she fulfilled her narrative purpose of providing Bart with a joyriding partner in crime. Dunno where she is now.

boo! hiss! Another obstacle in the unlikely-but-still-hope-for-it-anyway Stendan-live-happily-ever-after storyline

We had been forewarned that Noah is going to be Ste’s new bed buddy, so we tried to not let this cloud our judgement of someone who has clearly had any trace of personality surgically removed and replaced with the charisma and sexual magnetism of a USB stick. Hmm, maybe there was a bit of clouding.

who’s the daddy? NOT ROB O’CONNOR OKAY?

Look at this face. This expression of tearful bewilderment was worn by Rob for about two weeks when he proved himself to be as ineffectual a teacher and adversary to Eva as he is a husband, father and repeller of advances from demonic young girls. All he had to do was A) retrieve a diary (which from now on shall be referred to as “diarygate” in a bid to try and make it sound more interesting than it actually was) and b) not make Jason’s first week at school any more awkward and alienating for everyone concerned. Both of which he failed spectacularly to do.

Eventually arrested for being the suspected nonce daddy of Amber’s underage bun, his life was then beset on all sides by illogical plot developments and inconsistent characterisations, as formerly loyal and seemingly of similar age wife Diane revealed that she was infact victim of Rob’s noncery (eh? ), his apparently dead wife and mother of his children, Morag, was actually alive (wuh?), had been on the scene (when?) and was the cause of Diane’s outbreak of baby theft last October (what the?) and finally, his son Finn, hobbit lothario and true impregnator of Amber, neglected to step up and save his dad’s hide (SEVERAL BLOOD VESSELS BURST IN OUR BRAIN)

Not surprisingly, Rob decided to bat out of hell it, Sinead and Finn opting to stay with their mental, baby stealing stepmother. So long Rob, we’ll miss your…erm…hair.

not looking Sharpe

So after all that fucking fuss – scary Phil, Amber’s pregnancy, Taylor and Arlo – the Sharpes will not be returning the village. Taylor and Amber have been unceremoniously erased from the opening sequence and Tony has been left with a doomed long distance romance and an unfortunately named business. Not that we mind that much – they bored the tits off us – but it is a rare thing that an entire clan escape Hollyoaks relatively unscathed by any family trauma. HUH.

bye bye evil ginger

Having served her purpose of being chief tormentor of Jason and stabber of Bart, evil lesbian Fern was dispatched to face justice and no doubt a lengthy stay at Her Majesty’s pleasure, as happens to all Hollyoaks evil lesbians. And rightly so.

the last of the Roys

The reappearance of Gaz sent Neets fleeing to Middlesbrough to be with the rest of her adoptive family, whilst sadly Eva hotfooted it to Manchester to be with –whaddaya know – her other kids. Both will be missed, but in very different ways.

return of the kings

January saw the shock return of not one but three magnificent Hollyoaks characters. And Bombhead.

As the NEVER. ENDING. WHO. KILLED. CALVIN. PLOT forced its way back into our lives like a SWF type that no amount of blanking and Facebook unfriending can get rid of, this resulted, directly or otherwise, in freedom for the two men wrongly banged up for the crime.

Kyle Ryder (SWOON) is now hiding in what looks like Warren’s bedsit and is now an integral cog in Brendan’s scheme to oust Foxy from his king crim throne (more on this in the relevant forthcoming Brendanwatch). While he sadly didn’t smash any ceramic dogs or treat us to a rendition of To the moon and back, Kyle did inspire Warren to poetry (see quotes below) and drank some Ribena in a VERY SINISTER FASHION. Such is the majesty of Kyle Ryder.

Gaz, meanwhile, was out of prison for five minutes before he got back to roughing up Neets and Theresa. Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.

The third returner was totally unexpected yet completely welcome – that of Chester’s premier/only khaki wearing American drug dealer and thief Doug. Apparently back to make amends for robbing/inadvertently crippling his friends during fresher’s week, he still managed to accidentally steal from the local serial killer  and put his back out doing some hoovering. Ah, what a douche. Welcome back.

Oh yeah, and Bombhead came back for Lee’s abortive wedding. Luckily, we only had to tolerate a couple of episodes of his witless gurning before he toddled off back to the Ren and Stimpy cartoon from whence he came.

on and on and on and ON

So yeah, as we mentioned above, the NEVER. ENDING. WHO. KILLED. CALVIN. PLOT was back with a vengeance. Except we’ve known who shot Calvin for ages. Carmel knows who shot Calvin. The rest of the McQueens know who shot Calvin, as does Warren, Kyle, Rhys (we think?), the late Danny Huston and, more than likely, a load of other people we’ve forgotten/stopped caring about.

Which brings us to the question that has been bugging us for ages – why, exactly, are we supposed to be supporting Theresa in her quest to escape justice? Call us old fashioned, but a man telling you to do one after you’ve just informed him that you were inpregnated during your shag on a nightclub floor isn’t sufficient reason to shoot him in the heart.

Nevertheless, all manner of people seem to share the belief that the McQueens are above the law and basic social etiquette about not murdering your cousin’s husband, with Warren stepping up to sort out Kyle Ryder and Gaz, and 12 year old detective spending more time gazing into Theresa’s big, blue I-am-a-sweet-and-innocent-girl-honest eyes than attempting to solve the crime.

For the love of god, please let this storyline end soon, or we’ll impregnate and dump Theresa in a bid to escape it all.

HOORAY! HOLLYOAKS FINALLY REMEMBERS THE SERIAL KILLER STORYLINE!

Which is good, because we were starting to worry that we’d imagined it. Only in Hollyoaks would a genuinely unsettling serial killer be sidelined for some shit involving the McQueens. Anyway, Silas marked his return by sharing his bag of ‘special things’/serial killer trophies with Jason, which, thrillingly, not only contained India’s ring but also HIS DEAD WIFE’S ring and at least TWO OTHER ITEMS. So that’s at least four victims of the killer grandad, including his OWN WIFE. YAY! May he add to that bag of tat very soon.

Meanwhile, poor India, soap’s least mourned-for murder victim, barely got a mention all month, her body presumably lying around Chester PD like unwanted an gym kit, as Melody and Texas enjoyed no end of comedic subplots, including roadies, question marks over Texas’ parentage, being forced to wear comedy earmuffs at Look Sharpe and conning Jamil out of fifty quid. Grief does strange things to people.

smash it

It’s ironic/teeth gnashingly annoying that while Darren and Nancy broke up, we are stuck with Mercy and Riley, a couple with NO CHEMISTRY WHATSOVER. Lucky, then, that we have the other corner of the McQuestello triangle. There’s chemistry there alright. The sort of chemistry you get if you mix ammonia and methane (okay we don’t know what would actually happen if you did that, but you get our point). After weeks of vom-inducing flirting, Mercy and Carl finally rutted on the Costello sofa (on which Riley and Heidi obliviously sat later). Our fave bit? When Mercy blamed her subsequent three day absence on having the shits. LEDGE.

more Costello stuff

Whilst illicit affairs and serial killers went undetected in their midst, the focus of Costello angst was of course Jasmine/Jason. Heidi went through all the recognised stages of a parent with a transgender child: disbelief, denial, masterminding banishment to London and/or an asylum; shrilly wishing said child was dead and, finally, acceptance via child’s attempted suicide and own freak scalding accident.

Having SYMBOLICALLY killed off Jasmine by throwing him/herself in front of a slowly moving car, it looks like Jason, owner of the most unenviable haircut in Christendom, is here to stay. At least we won’t have to look at that woolly hat any more though.

Warren was ten times more fun than usual

Here’s why.

the omnipotent cat tongue:

he somehow managed to sneak up behind Mandy. Both impressive and inexplicable for a man of his considerable bulk:

his extremely subtle, poker-face reactions to receiving threatening mystery texts or discovering who had been sending said mystery texts:

vintage close talking:

the genuinely lol look on his face when observing a tender moment between Mandy and Tony:

GRAAAAA! WHEN PASTIES ATTACK!

Warren v Tom!

A showdown so unexpected yet, with hindsight, so inevitable that we can’t believe it hasn’t happened before now:

Puffa jacket? Check.  Not shy about grievously bodily harming others? Check. Potential to be a chubster? Check. Looks like Warren’s got a mini me. Or an ARCH NEMESIS.

Less fun was the revelation that it was Mandy who had been sending Warren the texts. Not Claire, or Louise, or anyone good. MANDY. Bloody hell. She can’t even do a convincing evil doer face! Consider the whole Warren resurrection a BIG LET DOWN.

Warren’s Broxy adventures will of course star in the relevant Brendanwatch.

in other news

Tom goes to turn himself in for hospitalising Esther and is confronted by a deeply sinister policeman. Part Alan Sugar, part man-who-hangs-around-school-claiming-to-have-puppies-would-you-like-to-come-and-see-them?

Despite having previously dumped Lee for no real reason, Amy returns to sabotage his wedding. And then dumps him again for no real reason.

Every time we see Liberty we are stuck by how TOTALLY CONVINCING SHE IS AS A HUMAN BEING.

We decide we rather fancy Jamil.

Button fact 1: Duncan masqueraded as Wolf Boy as a child.

Button fact 2: Ma and Pa Button are currently starring in a reality TV show in Lithuania

Button fact 3: Duncan is partial to slimming biscuits. Three packets at a time.

What the? Without any fanfare and despite employing half the McQueens, Evissa is no more and has now become the village’s new grocery emporium, Price Slice. And so the mighty Drive’n'Buy is no more. Sadface.

I am sexy reads Mercy’s Nikon sponsor message. Shouldn’t that be I am willing to shag just about anything? Probably not on brand though.

A mixed month for Guy Candy – Wolf boy brings them success, Taylor is replaced with Gaz, Mitzeee upstages their SU Bar debut. At least they’ve got their branding sorted. Plus, some excellent boy band references – Bart is Bad Candy aka “the Brian Harvey” and they spend an afternoon listening to New Kids on the Block (specifically I’ll be loving you forever). Ahhh, takes us back to those heady days when we swooned over Danny Wood.

Presumably in a bid to make her seem more interesting, Lyndsey is now the girl drafted in to provide meaningless exposition or gratuitous eye candy.

Predictably, Tony’s latest doomed enterprise, Look Sharpe, is not going well. Cue lots of Tony shouting into mobiles, comedic mishaps involving hot tubs and a floor that is now pickled in amniotic fluid.

random brand watch

In a strop about an obscene text incident, Riley slams down a bottle of Biergrad and stomps off. Ooh, get him.

Doug peruses random brand porn site babefrenzy.

Brits didn’t have a chance under freak avalanche: when stunts go bad – with headlines like that the Daily Titan will soon steal the Chester Herald’s “mental news” crown.

quotes

“You’re a bit bonkers you, arent ya” Bombhead to Leanne.  Pots the world over start calling their kettle colleagues black.

“Did your last brain cell die the fire?” Bombhead to Amy, and as much as we hate to agree with him about anything, he does have a point

“I love nature. It makes me think of the whole circle. Birth. Life. Death” *laughs* Not for the first time, Warren TALKS SHITE

“Afternoon ratboy!” an OMG moment as Warren greets Ste. Inspired by WLH? We think so.

“It’s London, it’s more cosmopolitan!” according to Heidi, the streets of our nation’s capital are paved with transgenders.

“You never know when I might need a helping hand” *clutches Theresa’s chin*. Did Warren just reference getting a hand job as payment for miscarriaging justice?

“You’ve cracked” so said Sinead to Diane. Repeatedly. For a whole episode.

“They’ve released me” yes, we were wondering why you weren’t in prison, Rob.

“How much more is there?” Ethan on McQueen dirty laundry. Answer – enough to keep Tan’n'Tumble (if only it still existed) in business for 50 million years

“I’m good enough to snog on new year’s eve but not good enough for your son?” think you just answered your own question there, Mercy

“No Kyle no trial” Warren is a poet but he doesn’t know it.

“Tex is a bit stressed” Melody gets right to the heart of why her one remaining, non murdered daughter is a bit down in the dumps.

“We’ll get Theresa to bat her eyes at him for a bit and he’ll forget all about Calvin’s killer” far fetched as Myra’s assertion seems, this is ACTUALLY TRUE

“Charlie’s with Jack now” reports Nancy. OMG the international traveller returns! Hope he had a good flight.

“I am one funky cat” you are, Lee, you really are.

“I’ll even be there at the birth if you want me to be” predictably, Rhys is well up for the chance to see his mum’s vagina, even if there is a child issuing from it.

“I was frightened okay? I was pregnant” once again Theresa rolls out her excuse for murdering/framing/leaving to rot in prison a series of innocent men.

“The thing with women is: they’re all mad. Even the sane ones” Gray/Keys wisdom from Warren

“Let’s just say it didn’t end very well” understatement is the order of the day as Warren reflects on his relationship with Louise.

“She’s used to popping them out like bars of soap” Nancy aptly summarizes Suzanne’s childbirthing abilities

“Your stuff is cluttering up the B&B, I want it gone” in one line, why Warren isn’t the king crim he thinks he is.

“Some girls you have sex with, other girls you make love…” oh, Riley. FAIL.

“I’m not like that n’more” Mercy defends her honour to Carl, despite having been like ‘that’ with him mere days before

“He <Carl>can be a colossal pain in the backside” Heidi to Mercy. I BET HE CAN. Huhuhuhuhuhuhh.

“She <Mercy> got her money’s worth” says Carl. I BET SHE DID. HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH etc.

And that’s that.

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