sad times for the leather clad, savage garden villain community, killer granddad is put off his stroke and we love myra

Posted on February 16, 2011 by welovehollyoaks 1 Comment

And no, we couldn’t think of a shorter title.

So the big news this past couple of weeks was of course the ongoing NEVER. ENDING. WHO. KILLED. CALVIN. PLOT. Whilst our hopes that this storyline would finally be resolved were cruelly dashed, there were many things that caused us great joy/made us want to throw a hammer at the telly:

the Kyle Ryder V 12 year old detective smackdown

Rocky V Drago. Ripley V the alien. Luke v Darth Vader. These are NOTHING compared to this hissy, face slappy, rolling on the floor scuffle. Truly EPIC.

not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

Kyle Ryder creeping around a ladies toilets armed with a baby’s shoe and a unique retelling of the Three Little Pigs. He is such a bad ass.

Kyle Ryder’s tragic, completely unjustified, despicable murder

We will never forgive you for this, Theresa. NEVER.

Warren’s reacting-to-a-crisis face

Dr Ramoray would be proud.

12 year old detective is informed by Theresa that it was she who shot Calvin

“He’s only the 14th person to know” observed Mr WLH, wryly.

excellent ‘say what?’ moment

The revelation that Warren is in love with Theresa. So we suppose we’re to interpret his attempt to throw her off the archway as the back-from-the-dead-gangster equivalent of pulling a girl’s pigtail and running away. Hats off to Theresa aswell. To work on a creature of that size her I-am-a-sweet-and-innocent-girl-honest spell must be very powerful indeed.

Of course, the second biggest news was that Warren STOPPED WEARING THE PUFFA JACKET. What happened to it  we know not. Maybe he ate it.

“she didn’t put it about?”

And so Silas discovered India wasn’t the cybershagging hussy he thought she was and thus showed mercy on an off her tits Texas. We are not happy about this. We have a bad feeling that Silas is going to start questioning his mission to rid the world of slappers. We can just see it now, he starts spending time with the McQueens and their simple, working class ways show him that just because you wave your vagina at any and every passing man doesn’t mean you deserve to be garroted with some rope. Which, as we all know, isn’t true at all.

Meanwhile, as if everyone forgetting she even existed wasn’t bad enough, further posthumous indignity was heaped on India as she was given a awkward send off on the standing moodily spot – that’s right, dumping ground of murdered gangsters and a stones throw from the place where she shat herself – with a eugoogly from the very man who killed her. Even the turn out for her funeral was poor, no sign of dapper granddad Alistair and the only attendees from the student populace were one night stand Jamil and Doug, who we’re not sure she ever even met.

Poor India. In her honour we dressed ourselves entirely in Laura Ashley, rolled our eyes continually and allowed ourselves to be fake romanced by the local closeted gay gangster. RIP.

oh, Myra

We love Myra. We wish we knew her, so we could go down the bingo with her and get shit faced on cheap white wine. It was thanks to the otherwise turgid Mercy-Riley wedding that we were able to spend some quality time with her as she tormented Heidi, stealing prawn and avocado sandwiches and glamming herself up in wig that you could imagine being found alongside a dead prostitute on the embankment of the M11.

Wonder if we asked nicely enough she’d adopt us?

in other news

FRANKIE WANTS TO BUY ESTHER SHOES! If we were to make a daytime edition of Hollyoaks Later drinking game, then this would call for all drinks to be downed. Afterall, it was her obsession with buying baby Charlie shoes that lead to Jack‘s financial ruin and subsequent faked death insurance scam imprisonment, so one can only speculate as to the potentially disastrous consequences of her visiting Clarks once more.

Another rule for the Hollyoaks drinking game would be whenever monotone pigtailed replicant Liberty is on screen you MUST be drinking.

Tom is interviewed by Legolas’s mum

Esther is a lesbian and rather fancies Ruby. So do we a little bit.

Gilly and Lynsey go on a date, yawn yawn. Gilly manages to keep his natural urge to smash everything up reasonably in check.

Carl pisses off the golf club long enough for Heidi to have a confidence crisis, get a make over, snog Gaz, sack Gaz, then rehire Gaz.

LYNSEY IN DOING-SOMETHING-INTERESTING SHOCKER Well, kind of. Other than making us want to vom (see below) she did a pretty spot on impression of Gilly’s Liam Gallagher wannabe walk/talk/personality. For that twenty seconds we really liked her.

There is now an omnipresent piano man, whose intrusive tinkling ensures that any potential impact of emotional scenes is muzaked to death.

Recent Chez Chez theme nights: Ann Summers-esque knickers and basque sale and a 90s/whore night. What next? A car keys/wife swapping event? A roman orgy?

In addition to Silas, a few other creepy old men haunt the village, with silver haired pervs sampling the wares of the Chez Chez proz night and William, who resembles a Lex Luthor action figure left too close to a camp fire, letching on Mercy’s arse and spending an afternoon listening to Carmel talk shit

Gilly now has a job as a personal trainer at Look Sharpe. We would like to question what qualifications, other than looking fit in a vest, he has for this role.

Despite until this point being a three bedroomed flat, Max’s old abode now inexplicably houses Noah, Ethan, Doug and Rae. Perhaps they have bunk beds.

warren cat tongue

As ever, Foxy couldn’t keep it in

random brand watch

Cheryl peruses the horoscopes in Fashionista magazine and Brendan manhandles a box of Biegrad

MYEYES

Some vintage wish-we-were-blind moments

Lynsey simulating a sex act with a hot dog:

Jacqui pulling her post-shag knickers out of her arse. Mm, soggy:

And our fave, a bizarre bacon sandwich porn moment involving Myra and Carmel:

quotes

“For straight guys you’re all so angsty around here!” Noah, trust us, Gilly is many things but angsty isn’t one of them.

“I’d do anything for you” Warren tells Theresa, unleashing his inner Gloria Estefan.

Lots and lots happened with Britzeee, Broxy and Stendan and, as ever, this will appear in the next Brendan watch.

Time is running out to vote for WLH in the 2011 Bloggies!

We’re up for the ‘best kept secret’ award. Good eh?

VOTE NOW!