brendan watch: go into the light!

Posted on April 13, 2011 by welovehollyoaks 6 Comments

Bad WLH. We’ve been very remiss in our Brendanwatches. In our defence, the double B has been so mesmerizing lately that we’ve found ourselves crouched infront of the TV, transfixed, like the Carol-Ann in Poltergeist, with marginally less disasterous consequences. No one tore their own face off anyway.

We managed to fight our way out of a Brady haunted netherworld to bring you our ten fave BB moments from the past few weeks:

the Brady High Five fail

A bit of Brady bunch magic. Brendan and Cheryl are discussing the suitability of Mitzeee as a girlfriend/beard. “If she’s not the one she’s certainly the one until the other one arroives! Yeah!” banters an unusually jovial BB. Face split into a magnificent rictus grin, he raises his hand for a high five. Delighted, Cheryl raises her hand too, clearly looking forward to some sibling high five action. As are we. Brendo, however, has other ideas, hand and grin quickly disappearing “No” he says, as if the mere concept of a high five offends his delicate sensibilities. He sods off. Cheryl is crestfallen.

Brendan v Riley

So ticking one more off our wish list of Brendan encounters was this face to face with personality event horizon/footballing scion Riley. It was a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, but naturally we have deconstructed every single second, to reveal exactly what was going through their minds:

Brendan *tapping on door*: teeheehee off to terrorize Doug! Oi might threaten him. Or grab his face. His soft, smooth face. Oi’d love to rub lotion onto that soft, smooth fa – oi mean, not that. Because OI’M NOT GAY.

Riley *opening door*: football, my abs, football, Mercy’s vagina, football, football

Brendan: what have we here? The elder Costello son, oi believe. Hello little boy. Oi’m going to look you up…and down - oi mean, not that. Because OI’M NOT GAY

Riley: football, football, abs, footb – why is Brendan looking at me that way? It’s the way Mercy looks at me all the time and the way my dad looks at me sometimes too. Is that…drool?

Brendan: Oi loike what oi see. Oi’d tap that – oi mean, not that. Because OI’M NOT GAY

Riley: I’m going to leave now. I have a funny feeling in my shorts. My football shorts. Football. Football. My abs. Mercy’s vagina. Football.

Brendan: OI’M NOT GAY

Brendan frequents Price Slice

Here at WLH we always love it when Brendan performs mundane every day tasks. He always gives them a certain je ne sais quoi. So we naturally swooned when we clocked him doing a spot of grocery shopping. What was on his shopping list we can only speculate. Our guess? Teabags and a copy of Monocle magazine.

sugargate

Try as we might, we still can’t quite believe that there was an entire sequence of events based around Foxy substituting Brendan’s Rae-framing coke with icing sugar. As all manner of high drama and baking-related quips occurred (see below), we are convinced that had The Wire been a Chester based teen soap it would have been EXACTLY LIKE THIS.

 

look, it’s Brendan. Quick, let’s run away before he sees us

The arrival of Pete wasn’t so much a showdown between two old foes as the catalyst for Brendan‘s social ruin. As Pete held court with his amusing irish anecdotes, his LOL pretending-to-Mitzeee-that-he’s-gay japes and his SADFACE tragic history, Brendan found himself plummeting down the social foodchain – his texts ignored, excluded from the council estate slum curry night. His pariahdom was best demonstrated when he joined a conversation between Ste, Rae and Pete one morning in the village. After some awkward banter, all three soon left – leaving Brendo stood all alone – to no doubt regroup behind Mobs in order to laugh at his trainers and spraypaint ‘BRENDAN BRADY IZ A GAYLORD’ on the walls of skate park LIKE A BUNCH OF BASTARDS.

Aww Brendo, we’ll play with you. Want to come round ours for tea?

this picture

There’s a bit at the end of The Phantom Menace, during Qui Gon Jin’s funeral, when all of the key players in the forthcoming saga are caught in one shot – Anakin, Obi-Wan, Padme, Palpatine et al. THIS SHOT IS JUST LIKE THAT. Just without the rich aroma of chargrilled Jedi corpse.

Ps we’re hoping a proper Brendan/Darren double bill will happen soon. The world needs it, Hollyoaks, please make it so.

this reaction to Gaz/”Baz” suggesting he buys back the dodgy steroids he recently sold him

“HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHA!” *serious face* “No” *looks hurt at the suggestion* “No!” *sucks lolly. Walks off* “Stupid idea!”

the best end bit ever

As we have remarked before,  more often than not the Hollyoaks end bit is a pointless (yet entertaining) fart gag, but this time we were rewarded for hanging around until the credits finished, RICHLY REWARDED:

It’s about 4am in the village. It’s buzzing with nighttimey goings on and the spooky Chester mist (that has haunted the village for the past couple of weeks) is drifting spookily. Out of the alleyway by Chez Chez emerges our Brendan. The cold and the lateness of the hour don’t seem to phase him. Infact he seems perfectly at home in it, like a magnificently hairy creature of the night. We’d say like a fox, but in our mind foxes are now voluminous irritants with freakishly active tongues. So instead we’ll say he’s like a sharp suited, moustachioed cat.

Anyway.  As he lingers in the darkness, Doug stumbles past. Doug is dishevelled and quite clearly drunk. You may remember this was the night that he, Riley, Ethan, Noah and Jamil went to the “club opening of the decade”. Significantly, he is clutching a bag of chips in his little yankee paws. He notices Brendan watching him and stares back warily.

Brendan : “Good work today, Doug”

BB must be pleased if he isn’t referring to Doug by his complete and proper name.

Doug: “Was it you who called the cops today?”

Ah, yes. Brendan’s convoluted and yet ultimately successful scheme to rid himself of Rae.

Brendan: “You don’t need to worry about that now de ye?”
Doug *hopefully*: “Does that mean we’re quits?”

*Brendan walks up to him, growling. Uh oh. Looks like Doug’s got another face grab heading his way – no wait, looks like BB is distracted by the one thing he loves more than the smooth skin of young men – carbohydrates. He takes Doug’s chips*

Brendan: “We’ll see” *eats chips*

*Doug reaches for chips*

Brendan *moving chips away*: “Nooo…”

*Doug runs off. Brendan eats chips*

FRIED GOLD.

this exchange with Doug

As the above scene would suggest, the Bruglas relationship is an increasingly master/slave one, where Brendan inflicts all manner of facial molestation and hot drink vandalism on a submissive Doug. But for this one, glorious exception, witnessed shortly after sugargate and Doug’s involvement in Foxy’s wicked scheme…

Doug: “Warren can be very scary”
Brendo: “What am oi?…Snow….Whoite?”
Doug *squirming uncomfortably but still able to utter the immortal line…*: “Can I just go please? I feel like my work is done here”

Amazing. Perhaps impressed by Doug’s impudence, Brendo allows him to go and Doug duly scurries out of HIS OWN FLAT.

burger relish

Lollipops, hot drinks, chips, milkshakes…after a quiet February the BB oral fixation was back with a vengeance. However the best bit of Brendan munching was his python-like devouring of a “top” burger. If you look closely, you can see his jaw dislocating so he can swallow it whole:

“that was your last chance…”

As ever, it was an emotional rollercoaster for Team Stendan, high points being a potential relocation to Brighton (or “Queersville” as Brendan likes to call it) and low points involving yet more Ste-beating in the Chez Chez toilets (Ste should know by now that nothing good happens in the Chez Chez toilets). Though these punchy times might have broken our hearts a little bit, when a bloodied, tearful Ste threw a homosexual reference in Brendan’s face and flounced away we couldn’t help but cheer:

“Enjoy the closet. Yeah. I’ll make sure I make sure shut the door on the way out”

RATBOY BOOM.

Brendan’s mumbling, non violent response (“Aww there’s no need for any of that”) showed how truly Ste had, in north eastern parlance, clamped him.

“heathcliff….”

We never thought that we would live to see the day that the mighty BB,forsaken by his ratboy prince, was reduced to scratching pitifully at the door of the council estate slum like a hairy Catherine Earnshaw or an unwanted cat. He was even forced to peep through the letterbox and endure Rae yet again shouting ‘You’re gay!’ in his face.

A worrying, yet endearing, sign that his powersmay be fading and a rather broken human being might exist underneath.

Oh. We just realised that is 12 best bits, not 10. That’s the awesomeness of BB for you, it cannot be contained in a list format. And don’t be alarmed that there has been no mention of Fight Week and it’s baseball bat/out of the closet repercussions. We felt it needed further analysis, which, of course, we will provide soon.

honourable mentions

Brendan being a menace with hot beverages:

giving Ste a mug in an inexplicably formal manner, then sodding off:

powerwaking over to Doug to destroy his caffe latte (note the tender arm stroke):

observing the goings-on in the village, cuppa in hand, from his all-seeing-Eye-of-Sauron vantage point by Chez Chez

this cat tongue:

his ‘shocked’ face

various facial molestations of Doug”

his arse. Mmm.

quotes

Rae: “YOU’RE GAY!”

Brendan: *slams milkshake onto counter of Relish. Milkshake spills onto his hand. Licks milkshake off his hand*

- given that their last exchange like this ended with Brendan screaming a foetus to death, we think a bit of spilled milkshake/pervy handlicking indicates an improvement in their relationship.

“Once upon a toime oi asked you <Doug> to leave and you had the audacity – nay -  the daring to come back” verbose at the best of times, his BBness gets extra points for use ot the word ‘nay’

Brendan: “Beware the greeks…bearing gifts”
Cheryl: “It’s a limited edition <the watch Foxy bought her as reparation for the Chez Chez hooker night> and he’s not greek. He’s from Manchester”

- as ever, Brendan’s way with words is wasted on those around him.

“Payter… didn’t hear you sneakin up” Brendan Brady. Not afraid to take the piss out of the disabled.

“You still owe me biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig” yes, we estimate there were 26 vowels in this threat to Doug.

“You crossed the loin” Brendan justifies his latest beating of Ste and in the Hollyoaks drinking game all drinks are downed at the utterance of this classic line – or rather, loin.

“I’d known you were coming I’d have baked a cake” a rare witticism from Foxy, during sugargate.

“Brendan Brady sleeps….with men!” finally making good on her endless threats, Rae shocks Foxy with the bleeding obvious.

“Listen, yankee doodle dandy: the fish took the bait so unless you wanna go swimming with said fish oi suggest you disappear” don’t know about you, but we think this steals “tickle me pink and call me woof“s crown as the most nonsensical thing Brendan has ever said.

“Out of the mouths of babes….eh Stephen? Hahahahahah!” having been inspired by Leah to come up with the Heat-episode/Mitzeee as Cheryl Cole ruse Brendan laughs manically at his own genius. Ste just looks confused.

“You will come back to me though” Brendan whispers words into Ste’s ear like a spell “You always do” Bet the tash tickled.

“Do you really expect me to believe that Brendan Brady rides side saddle?” good to see Foxy keeping the Brokebackoaks reference alive.

“Oi know about the icing sugar!” yes, Brendan really did say this.

mmmmoustache talk

Warren: “So what’s the deal with that tash?
Pete: “A Brady tradition. He’s had one ever since he could grow one. He’d batter anyone who slighted it”

- This one small exchange contains so much information it almost enough to break the mind:

A – that Foxy is clearly more than a little obsessed with Brendo’s facial hair (but then, aren’t we all?).

B – that the tash is a Brady tradition. By this we assume all Brady menfolk sport a similar hairy outcrop on their upperlip. Which in our minds makes the Brady clan resemble the cast of the mid-nineties western/moustache fest Tombstone. And we like this .

C – considering Brendan would batter anyone who says he’s gay, threatens Ste or happens to be Ste, then adding tash slighters to the list means that just about everyone in the world could be on his battering list.

And finally D – he’s had a tash ever since he could grow one? *mind caves at the thought of a pubescent Brendan Brady sporting acne, a global hypercolour T-shirt and gigantic moustache*

assorted (empty) threats from Pete

“The truth’s coming out, Brady. Your time is running out!”

*whilst armgrabbing Brendan* “Ye can run all ye like but ye”ll never hide from what ye did to me!” *cat tongue*

“Ye”ve certainly been a busy boy. Dodgin and divin. Lyin and stealin!” what? No wheelin and dealin? Or skippin and a-jumping? Slippin and slidin? All along the waterfall with you?

“Ye’ve been cock of the walk round here long enough. Start behaving or I’ll peel off all of those layers ye’ve wrapped around yerself!” he casually steals our Brendan-is-an-onion-metaphor. Bastard.