brendan watch: stendanfest!
Life, a short Irishman once said, is a roller coaster – just gotta ride it. Despite the fundamental flaws in this metaphor (life has height restrictions?/what happens if you go on the waltzer instead/where would Final Destination 3 fit into it/etc) it does neatly sum up Stendan this past month.
The last time we saw our dynamic duo, Ste had dramatically shut the door on his way out of Brendo‘s “closet” so things were looking bleak. Bleak for us, we mean. Not bleak for Ste’s repeatedly battered noggin.
As luck would have it though, where the discovery of Danny Huston’s corpse failed to result in a competent police investigation (we CANNOT WAIT to get onto a post about Ethan), it did lead, directly or otherwise, to the following Stendan happenings:
simples
Let’s face it, it doesn’t take a lot to upset Ste’s delicate peace of mind. Infact he spooks so easily that it’s a wonder Amy doesn’t make him wear blinkers and guides him by hand through the village whilst feeding him sugar lumps. Anyway, it’s not surprising then that when Foxy cheekily told him about the nature of Danny Huston’s demise, little Ste then spent almost an entire episode anxiously meerkatting from behind walls as he spied on Brendan and failed to notice Foxy lecherously cat tonguing at him:
ste misses the point
Confronting Brendan about Danny, Ste discovered some shocking hometruths:
Brendan: “There was this lad…Vinnie…me and him….you know…we koind of…you know…it was…you know…”
Ste: “He was your boyfriend?”
Brendan: “…yeah”
Ste: “You said there was only Macca!”
Brendan: “Vinnie meant nothing!”
Ste: “But yer went out with him?!”
That’s right, Brendo has just fessed up to hammering a man to death and this is what’s bugging Ste.
brendan declares his love! sort of
Well, not in s
o many words (he is NOT GAY, remember), but it’ll do:
“Oi didn’t feel for him…oi didn’t feel for Macca the same as oi did about…oi didn’t feel for either them the way oi do about you” <complete with heavy breathing, teary eyes and glistening moustache>
SWOON.
BOSH
His dormant ratboy nature briefly revived, Ste demonstrated his umbrage at months of abuse and, more likely, the fact that he is but one of a succession of Brendan’s young male friends. With a baseball bat. Since he has never displayed any inclination towards sport, you have to wonder where he got it.
Ste, YOU ARE ON OUR LIST.
Brendan fact: If you hit him on the back with a baseball bat this will result in non-specific head injury
GREATEST OCCURENCE OF PEEPING TOMMING EVER
Given that Brendan subsequently went AWOL, we can only assume that whatever he spied Ste and Noah doing was so obscene that it resulted in temporary amnesia and maybe even blindness.
do what u like
Something about Ste’s leather jacket reminds us of Take That circa 1991.
boo
Like a leatherclad Will O the Wisp, Brendan once more demonstrates his magical powers by suddenly materialising behind Ste.
this moment
Brendan (having just bought Cheryl’s share of Chez Chez): “Looks loike oi’m your new boss now so we’re going to be seeing a lot more of each other. Yayyyy.” *dead eyed FTW fists, last seen in the legendary teacup scene *
the time of my life?
A ‘nobody puts baby in the corner’ moment for the unhinged, Brendo both outed himself and outfoxed Foxy by pashing it with Ste in the middle of Chez Chez, whilst, apparently, in some sort of glassy eyed trance. Mmm let’s relive it shall we?
Sadly, our hopes that this would lead to Stendan living happily ever after, perhaps moving to the Lake District and opening a tea room, were soon dashed…
angry shark sex
Stendan’s post Chez Chez coitus must have chafed a bit. Ste certainly didn’t look too chipper as he hobbled home the following morning, one arm hanging limply by his side a la the real Rod Hull. We can only speculate as to what occurred, but reckon it was something like this “rigorous selection process”. Bitey.
Brendan v Noah
As we’ve said many times before, we rather like Noah. We like the way that, like Mitzeee, he is apparently impervious to Brendan’s powers. Infact as he stood up to Brendan, the mighty BB had very little to say in response. “You want locking up!” Noah declared, all Peggy Mitchell sass, as Brendan growled into his tea.
Ah Noah, you may merely be a pawn in their sexual games, but we wish you well in all your endeavours.
quotes
Brendan: “The clock’s ticking Stephen, what do ye want to know?”
Ste: “I’ve never asked you to do something bad on my behalf”
Brendan: “That’s not a question but go on”
As ever, Brendan keeps us on the semantic straight and narrow.
Amy: “The police will protect yer!”
Ste: “They can’t. Not from him”
Ste isn’t being a drama queen. Brendo would react just like this to retrieve his ratboy from the police.
“Maybe it’s just me but oi often foind public displays of affection rather…icky” presumably then, with his Chez Chez snogging of Ste Brendan icked himself out. 
“D’you miss me? No? Not even a little bit?” *uses his fingers to demonstrate his idea of a ‘little bit’*
“Anyhoo, it’s been lovely catching up….things to do, people to see…so to speak” *looks away enigmatically, then walks off* 
“So…what do you two lovebirds want?”*rictus grin* only Brendan can turn a smile into something so sinister it makes you want to hide in a cupboard.
Ste: “I dont love you anymore, Brendan. Noah’s going to look after me now”
Brendan: “Aww, bully for Noah!”
Noah: “I’m not the bully!”
A lie from Ste, an oddly olde worlde response from Brendan, and yay for Noah. What Ste means by Noah looking after him we can only guess. Perhaps he will be applying savlon to moustache burns and related injuries.
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Heather
373 days ago
That non-specific head injury to the back sure cleared up nicely. The BB forehead must have regenerative powers. Ste on the other hand was still wearing his bruises a week later. Aww. Poor Ste. I wanted that Lake District tea room, gay scones and all. A lost dream …
ally08
373 days ago
If what I have read in the mags is true (and why would they lie to me) then Noah will soon be showing that he is very much affected by the power of the Brady.
I won’t spoiler it for people but ewwww forever. :O
Joshua
373 days ago
Amazing synopsis, made me laugh out loud millions of times… as usual!
Kate
373 days ago
A long awaited, and very welcome Brendanwatch. *Yay*
And hilarious as always!
I hate Brendan being off screen for weeks, but your recap clearly demonstrates that there is only so much epic Double B awesomeness that our brains can cope with, and clearly HOs are thinking of our health and safety and giving us a chance to recover before the next wave of awesome is unleashed!
Be afraid, Noah, you are no match for the mighty BB!;)
Sarah
372 days ago
I wanted too Stendan living happily ever after drinking tea in the Lake District, damn HO!
Janet
372 days ago
When Brendan made his coming out and Ste went to him I was sooo happy but with
Stendan good things don’t last for long… bad, bad writers!!!!
angie
372 days ago
Stendanfest: my favourite kind of Brendan watch! ;D
maira
372 days ago
Hilarious as always! Thank you! xx
The most touching moment was when Brendan said he never felt for anyone what he feels for Ste.
Lozzz20
371 days ago
I couldn’t stop giggling all the way through reading this – as usual!
MrsLevinson
370 days ago
Tea rooms in the lake district, how wonderful it would be. Like an even more f**ked up version of Withnail & I with increased facial hair.
It has just replaced Prague as my number 1 Stendan fantasy (and that’s a LOT of fantasies to get into 1st place of)
ceares
370 days ago
long time reader, first time poster…er, anyway, this had me laughing inappropriately loudly at work. Just wanted to say how much I love your Brendan watch. It’s a thing of beauty and a joy forever.