Brendan Watch: you think you’re bad?

Posted on September 12, 2011 by LadyB 6 Comments

Hi, newbie poster here, accepting with all due awe and fear the massive honour/responsibility of this week’s Brendan Watch. And since its been a while since the last, please allow me a Hollyoaks stylee:

previously on Brendan’s storyline…

After Brendan finally confirmed his feelings for Ste with an actual out loud use of the L-Word, Stendan was briefly back on, until the So SO Badly Timed reappearance of Ex-Woife Oileen. Hurricane Oileen unceremoniously dumped eldest spawn Declan on his father before jetting off on what seems to be a round-the-world cruise (judging by duration so far) on the SS Plot Convenience (other passengers may include Gilly, Hannah, Bombhead, and previously, Barmy Mr Barnes). Presumably she took the other boy, insert-generic-Irish-name-here, with her in what is either blatant favouritism or mistrust of Brendan’s parenting skills when left unattended with a child under 15. Considering the number of brushes with death Deco has had so far – near bashed by dumbell/gassed then nearly exploded/bored to death by Carl’s England caps – we can hardly blame her.

Eventually realising that Oileen’s holiday is of Epic Saga length, Brendan set his sights on Lynsey as a replacement mother figure (clearly being clutched to Auntie Cheryl’s ample bosom isn’t enough) despite thinking that she was nuttier than a squirrel sandwich. After she knocked him back and did a runner, Silas finally made his first slip, and was spotted by Brendan as a fellow Daytime Lurker!

As Brendo lurked at the top of the steps watching Lynsey leave he spotted Silas lurking behind a brink wall, and tossed him the classic ‘I’m Watching You’ sign, finally twigging that Silas might not be Cuddly Granddad of the Year. And we were given hope – hope for a future Brendan vs Silas smackdown, where everyone’s favourite murderers (sorry Wozza) go head to head – who will come out on top?

My money? On Brendan.

Aaand Back to Now

LET US NEVER EVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN EVER

“Nice…good… you’d make a great mum” Brendan’s ideal woman is some kind of bland Stepford wife.

When he apologised for putting the moves on the unsuspecting Lynsey, Brendan proved that he does in fact know the meaning of the word sorry, but that he just doesn’t like to use it often.

Maybe it’s just me pining for the old Britzeee dynamic, but I’m loving the cuddlier more mellow Brendan that gets brought out by his protective streak towards the ladies. (as opposed to the hammer-wielding-psychotic protective streak that gets brought out when people – other than him- threaten his ratboys).

Personally, I think she was crazy for dodging the Tash. Meh.

sinister use of everyday objects: OMG beer spit

Brendan proved to Silas that no matter how much you plan ahead, no matter how much of a brilliant strategist you are, there are some opponents whose moves you just can’t predict- because they are batshit crazy.

Silas: Did you just…steal my pint…and then backwash it?!

Brendan: Oh yeah, I went there. It is ON.

Did ya see that coming Mr ’2 steps ahead of your opponent’? Did ya?

Brady Bunch: rumours of my family moustache tradition have been greatly exaggerated. By me.

Declan: *pointing at The Tash* “You missed a bit”
Brendan: “That’s hilarious – this is a family tradition”
Declan: “Grandad hasn’t got a Tash”
Brendan: “No, but your Grandma does”

Was I the only one disappointed to discover that the Brady traditional family moustache is a tradition that Brendan has made up? Or is he perhaps hoping to start a tradition? Whatever, the sink shaving scene took Brendan to new levels of cuddly and cute.

“Wax on, Wax off.” Brendan is the Mr Miyagi of facial fur.

Brendan & Silas: veiny vs insaney

Note the horror movie strings on the soundtrack. Old School! And the messed up chess pieces, metaphor for how Brendan is going to mess up Silas’s evil schemes!

And the single black and white kings standing on the board, metaphor for the mano e mano struggle to follow! Or something.

Or I might just be reading too much into this.

Brendan discovers that lurking in the Costello flat is easy, especially when wearing black and white. He blends easily with the tacky decor, like a ninja.

“You think yer bad? Yer not bad. I’m bad” – You know it.

Back lit by some very nice window lighting, their faces half in dramatic shadow – to visually signal the contrast between their good and evil sides (and you know they both have them, though Silas is way in the lead of the Evil Race), (sorry, reading too much into it again) Brendan got upclose and personal and demonstrated why he is the ultimate personal space invader. Silas may be pinning young ladies to the walls of alleyways, but now he’s in the presence of the master.

Brendan: *menacingly* “Stay away from Lynsey”
Silas: *picks up Brendan’s cross* “Nice necklace you have there”
Brendan: *bemused at the apparently random change in subject and lack of fear from Insaney* “Interesting that’s…very interesting”

We all know old crazy-pants has a collection of jewellery murder-trophies bigger than the Argos Value collection. Is this the kiss of death for our moustachioed antihero?

Rae lets the cat out of the bag-and finds it’s a man-eating tiger

It was the inevitable moment – despite the fact that everyone in Hollyoaks knows (and mostly don’t care) Brendan had decided that he was going to keep the fact that he was gay from Deco – but it was only a matter of time before someone slipped. Poor Rae really hasn’t had any luck (including being previous girlfriend of secretly-gay Ste and workshy 3-timer Ethan) , and her good intentions for Ste led to her blurting the obvious in the Brady flat while Declan was in the extremely non-soundproof kitchen.

DAAAAW moment
Brendan: I’m gay
Declan: *Stands*
ME: Please don’t reject him Declan, he’s damaged enough already!
Brendan: *flinches, rapid blinking* - is he worried his own son is going to attack him?
Declan: *deep breath, swallow*
Brendan and Declan: HUGZ
ME: YAY! …How is he going to tell the other boy? By text?

In spite this touching moment of emotional honesty from BB we later find that Brendo was lulling us into a false sense of security with all the Cuddly!Brendan seen so far this week.

Cray-zee!Brendan was unleased on hapless Rae, veiny forehead and close-talking (that was actually more close-shouting) back in play. Fear him.

Quote most likely to come back to bite him in the arse:
“…I will kill yeh, yer hear me? KILL YEH!”  – Brendan screams at Rae in front of at least five witnesses. This will in no way be used later in a court of law. Probably.

epic pointing

Brendan apparently reasons that if intimidation doesn’t work on Silas, the magic finger will probably do the trick.

In self-disgust over hitting on Lynsey, Brendo turns the power of the finger on himself.

quotes

“He was there just watching yeh…its just not normal behaviour is it?” – I’m sorry Mr Pot, you think Mr Kettle is black do you?

(to Lynsey) “You should have a nurse look at that” – Ba dump bam. Who says you can’t be psychologically traumatised by a serial killer and have a laugh at the same time?

“The Truth…it’s never been my strong point” – aaand the Understatement of the Week Award goes to…

and special mention goes to:

Despite the sad lack of Brendan at the Stag or the Hen Do, both events paid tribute to him in their own way.

Riley chose to wear the ‘Tash in order to enhance his own manliness and emulate the BB. He may have said it was a Borat Costume, but we know the truth.

Extra points for the Brendanesque snarl/smirk (or snirk, if you will).  Points deducted for the hair. Jury’s out on the mankini.

And as the Whisperer himself pointed out, the ladies’ blow up doll shared more than a passing resemblance with his Brokeback Mancrush.

Where can we get one of those?

…Just kidding!

Mostly.