Maddie schemes, Gaz nauseates and Bart discovers the monetary value of Sinead’s love

Posted on September 27, 2011 by Miriam 5 Comments

Those troublesome teens of Hollyoaks! Their lives are so hard! And yet they provide us with hours of mildly entertaining… entertainment, every weekday. Oh, Hollyoaks, how you spoil us. Old manipulative Maddie, still unsatisfied that Bart and Sinead are hung up on each other, has become the dictator of poor Sinead’s life and as a result, Sinead does whatever Maddie tells her to do. Err, when did this happen? It seems that after hijinks with Bart in some crappy B&B didn’t go so great, Sinead has lost all sense of self-assertion. She’s basically done a backflip from never doing anything she’s told (e.g. defying her mother’s wishes for her to stop dating Bart) to, uh, doing everything she’s told. By Maddie. A person she met a few weeks ago. Sinead is but a shadow of her former self, unable to make any decision unless it has been approved by mean girl Maddie. Poor, dimwitted Sinead – of course it’s a horrible idea to sleep with ratboy Gaz, because it’s gross. But you didn’t listen did you? Let’s take a look at the ill-conceived actions that culminated in this hideous event.

We see the return of Gaz in his Gazmobile, this time in convertible mode, pumping out some generic, probably royalty-free rap music. Isn’t there some kind of a rule that prohibits random ratboys/criminals off the street from entering school premises in a garish orange vehicle? Because if there isn’t, I think it’s time that Hollyoaks Sixth Form College implements such a rule, for sure. Gaz rolls up, wearing hypercool shades, because that’s what cool people do, wear their shades on an overcast day, whilst driving, and also possibly at night, whilst driving.

There’s something about Gaz’s bald, round head that just makes me want to slap his bald, round head. Also the fact that Gaz exists. ‘Ladiesssssssss!’ he leers at Sinead and Maddie, who are both appropriately dressed in garments that just about cover their underpants but maybe not. Sinead classily bends over and snogs the face off Gaz, unaware that Bart is watching her, the old perv. Then Gaz slaps Sinead’s rump. Ew. ‘We can go for a spin, I’ll show you the backseat,’ Gaz, ever the poet, continues. Bart, understandably disgusted, shuffles away from the freak show but thankfully, Sinead, in a rare moment of clarity, declines Gaz’s tempting (tempting = unspeakably horrendous) offer.

The frenemies later go to Sinead’s. Finn, who seems to age by about five thousand years every time he shows up in a scene, hitched a ride with Gaz, who I’m sure is a very responsible driver except he’s probably not a very responsible driver because he is completely irresponsible in every other aspect of his day-to-day life. Nonetheless, he assures Diane that he’s ‘a very careful driver’. This appears to be convincing enough for Diane.

Finn, apparently besotted by Gaz’s unfettered charm, asks Diane if Gaz can stay for dinner. Diane is hesitant but eventually agrees because she has vicariously witnessed how careful a diver Gaz is, so therefore he must also be a very respectful and pleasant house guest. Gaz taunts Sinead a bit; he can tell from her body language that she actually finds him repugnant. Though this makes Maddie very happy. She continues to egg on Sinead, asking why Sinead is being cold towards Gaz, feigning concern over the possibility that there may be trouble in paradise (more like Satan’s pit of corrosion and disease).

Diane probes Maddie about Gaz because he ‘seems different’. With that she probably means he doesn’t seem quite as mild-mannered or interested in bodily hygiene as the others. In other words, he seems like a scummy little ratboy. Which he is. So well done Diane for being so perceptive. Though Maddie admits that Gaz ‘can come across as a bit of an idiot’, he has ‘a heart of gold’. I guess Maddie never witnessed his relationship with Lauren? Remember that time manipulated her into stealing money from a mentally disabled young man? Yup, heart o’ gold, that Gaz. May as well just call him Goldenheart, or Goldie for short! Diane remains unconvinced but probes no further.

Gaz continues to charm his way through dinner, throwing compliments at Diane, whilst groping Sinead under the table (yucky poo). Sinead gets up at once and asks Maddie about sleeping with Gaz. ‘Course!’ schemes Maddie, which is definitely a very convincing argument for Sinead.

Gaz’s super fun family dinner at Sinead’s gives him another weapon with which to wind up Bart. Bart also feels inadequate because he lacks the plumbing skills that Gaz apparently possesses (Gaz having fixed Dinne’s leaky tap, according to Gaz. A very reliable source of information about Gaz). Gaz and Bart have a wee showdown when Gaz gloats about getting on so well with Diane. Stupid Bart, always falling into Gaz’s traps!

Sinead continues to dress as sluttily as possible, emulating the very outfits that Maddie wears. At these times, Sinead may look into the mirror and see herself, but what she ought to be doing is asking “but where is Sinead???” because frankly she’s relying so much on Maddie for everything that she’s starting to disappear into the Negative Zone or something. Earth to Sinead! Come back Sinead! Still Maddie addresses her as ‘hotness’ knowing perfectly well that Sinead doesn’t understand her particular brand of sarcasm. How kind.

Gaz arrives in the Gazmobile at school. Again. Dude just can’t take a hint. The rest of the Maddie crew appear baffled as to why Sinead even gives one shred of attention to a rayboy like Gaz (except George, who fancies him, but then he also fancied Errol Flynn lookalike Callum so I reckon he just tends to fancy everyone). Sinead invites Gaz over for some sexy time because Diane is out. How I wish she wasn’t. Bart witnesses more Gaz/Sinead lip-locking action. ‘Bart,’ says Maddie, ‘be nice.’ But Bart just cannot be nice. Bart is very angry indeed.

After accidentally spilling lemonade all over Sinead’s Maddie costume, Bart tries to convince Sinead that Gaz doesn’t see Sinead as his girlfriend, more as his own personal sex slave/way to make Bart angry, but Sinead refuses to listen because she is not hearing these words through Maddie, who is the grand taskmaster of Sinead’s love life. Maddie and Sinead go and clean up Sinead’s top using naught but a hand dryer, but it seems to work for them (as somebody who has attempted to dry clothing with a hand dryer, I can confirm that it takes approximately three hours to dry one sock, let alone a larger garment such as an ‘80s cutoff top purchased at H&M, but maybe Hollyoaks Sixth Form just has, like, atomic hand dryers or something?). ‘You should SO go for it with Gaz!’ Maddie advises Sinead. You bitch Maddie, how could you be so mean? How would YOU like to have sex with Gaz, huh?! Urgh, Maddie is the WORST. Encouraged by Maddie and George, Sinead finally makes up her mind: she is going to have sex with Gaz, because he is ‘pretty boof’. An excellent reason for sleeping with someone who is repulsive in every way!

Bart is informed of this by George, who it seems enjoys licking chips and then putting them back in the packet. I’ll just put that on the table and leave it there for now, we have enough to worry about with Gaz on the prowl. Alas, Sinead still doesn’t feel comfortable with Gaz and they end up not having sex, because Gaz is such a gent. FOR NOW.

Despite this, Bart has a go at Sinead, believing them to indeed have had sex. He also tells her she’s thick, which is nice. But sweet, sweet Tilly comforts Sinead and tries to talk some sense into her. Until Maddie shows up and tells her to get over Bart, and the only way to do that is to have sex with Gaz. That’s it. That’s all it takes to get over someone you really loved. Just have sex with some chavvy drug dealer. Problem solved, everyone! With any luck, Tilly will start to suss Maddie out, seeing as she recalls the time when Maddie pulled a similar stunt when she was 10 years old. It involved the school play so I’m not sure it’s really that analogous but it’s a start, I suppose. Put an end to this madness, Tilly, oh wise one!

Only, it’s too late, because that’s when disaster strikes. Sinead and Gaz, alone in the Gazmobile. Gaz pretending to be a sweet young man who doesn’t pressurise girls into sleeping with him, covertly pressurises Sinead into sleeping with him. In the Gazmobile. Somebody dial 999 and declare the Gazmobile the scene of a crime! Maddie, meanwhile, bonds with Bart.

Maddie makes sure to tell everyone the next day that Sinead and Gaz carried out the horizontal mambo in the back of his car. Then George tells everyone else. So now Bart is mad and Maddie can keep worming her way into his heart. Jono later convinces Bart that he has to win Sinead back by showing her ‘what a loser’ Gaz is. Sage advice coming from someone who is usually so dim. Bart takes this advice to heart by taking Dodger’s knockoff watches and planting them in the back of the Gazmobile, which Gaz conveniently leaves unlocked for some reason, maybe he just has too much trust for everyone around him because everyone in Hollyoaks is almost as honest as he is. When Gaz and Sinead go for a spin and maybe some groping later, Bart reports Gaz to the police and Gaz and Sinead are arrested. So basically, Bart plans to win back Sinead by sending her to prison? What an unusual plan! I’m not sure it’s going to work, but a good effort nonetheless! Gaz, thinking the police approached them because they were kissing, shouts ‘Ah woz kissin’ ‘er! Is there a law against kissin’ now?’. In Gaz’s case I’d be inclined to say “yes” just because I feel sorry for Sinead. Sinead, clinging helplessly to Gaz, is shocked when the police retrieve the fake watches from the car, but they’re both taken in for questioning.

The news of Sinead’s arrest spreads through the school and Bart realises his superplan has backfired. Perhaps Bart should spend less time whining about a girl who broke up with him and more time at school, where they should teach him that planting stolen goods in a car that is often frequented by more than one person will result in all parties who frequent the vehicle getting into trouble, duh. Gaz, lurking without the Gazmobile, is already suspicious of Bart.

Gaz starts to treat Sinead badly, to the point that Duncan (Duncan?) comments on it. Bart tries to get back into Sinead’s good books by giving her a good book. Or at least a book. A book about Thomas Hardy no doubt! She needs it for her essay but the book is unavailable, so Bart took it ‘off some lad’ after paying the librarian for the name. Unbeknownst to him, this very book is available on Amazon for exactly £0.01, plus £2.80 shipping, so unless he paid the (corrupt) librarian exactly £2.81 or less, I’m guessing he kind of got ripped off. Stupid Bart, when will you learn! I guess you can’t really put a price on the love of Sinead! But if you could, it would probably be more than £2.81.

As a result, Sinead goes off of Gaz rather rapidly, which is good news! Unfortunately, Maddie notices this, so it’s pretty much back to square one. All this flip-flopping is giving me a headache.

Further disaster strikes when Sinead, in possibly her most hideous ensemble yet (some sort of mesh/denim/stone wash number with fringes), discovers that Bart set up Gaz. Now she likes Gaz again, facepalm! But Gaz also finds out that Bart was the one who set him up. Now Gaz is REALLY mad. Desperate Bart begs for Sinead to take him back, but she rejects him because of the lack of ‘troost’ she can give him. Then she goes back and laments to Maddie, because she just can’t function without her.

So, here we are, at the end of a long and tiresome week. Pretty much nothing has changed since the beginning of the week, apart from Gaz having defiled Sinead with his wicked ways and also body parts. I’m beginning to run out of adjectives with which to describe Gaz. I’m thinking I need to invent one, like “repulawful” or “revoltemptible” or “disgorrible”. Something like that. Maddie continues to be manipulative, and Bart still wants Sinead back. The question is, when will this end? How will it end? Will Sinead ever learn that Gaz is just no good? Will Bart ever give up on Sinead? Will Tilly save the day and stop Maddie from being so bitchy? I don’t know the answers. All I know is that I saw a Gazmobile the other day and I nearly threw up due to the memory of the horrors it evoked, so thanks for that, Hollyoaks.