HCC: the land of dreams and drunkards

And so it begins again. The freshers have arrived. Let the mayhem begin. And if mayhem means several entirely identical nights out where a different new student gets drunker than the Gallagher brothers at an awards ceremony and nothing of note actually happens then yes, the mayhem has begun. As always, the first week of the term was marked by the new arrivals moving into the only flat that actually appears to exist in HCC halls then drinking their body weight in random brand beer at the SU. And this year was no exception; the booze-fuelled hilarity providing a calm before the storm, a happy time before one of them inevitably dies/goes mad and starts stalking someone/goes mad and kills someone/fails all their exams but stays at halls anyway/has an affair with their friend’s dad/all of the above.

So, let’s meet this year’s storyline material new arrivals…..

ANNALISE APPLETON
That’s  two n’s and two p’s. And probably no relation to the famous All Saints members. Uptight, controlling, obsessive, with a boyfriend she likes to keep on a short leash? Who does this remind us of? Give it a week and she’ll be planning weddings and literally dragging him down the aisle while runs off with the nearest teenage mum. Probably Theresa to be honest, she’s been far too un-McQueen of late. Commonly referred to as “high maintenance” or if you’re the less eloquent freshers types “anal” and as much as I hope she might prove to be a secret psycho (like our favourite Myra Hindley lookalike) she’ll probably just spend most episodes whining at Rob and Mr Muscle-ing the shit out of the kitchen.

ASH KANE
Ash (or “Flash” as her fellow students have cleverly nicknamed her – not just pretty faces that lot) initially appears to be a borderline alcoholic, attention seeking and perhaps mentally ill. But on closer inspection she seems to be a total alcoholic. After getting so drunk on the first night she got her tits out in the SU (pretty sure the SU has seen worse since Mercedes has definitely been in there) one would assume she’d learnt her lesson. But no. She spent the rest of the week drinking and looking for sympathy. Sympathy that she didn’t really deserve – “I’m so embarrassed”, “everyone’s laughing at me” etc etc, that’s generally what happens when you take your top off in front of a bar of HCC students, or any students for that matter. Silly. Girl.

BARNEY HARPER-MCBRIDE
The Texas of this academic year, Barney is POSH. We know this because (a) he has a double-barreled name, (b) he wears a shirt and (c) he drinks wine that doesn’t come from Price Slice.  He didn’t do much in freshers week aside from be a bit dull and complain that his red wine had been put in the fridge (I’m a student and even I know the only “red wine” you chill is Cherry Lambrini) However, I think he may have potential to go a bit mad like another of Zoe’s poor relationship choices (remember creepy Will?)

ROB EDWARDS
The classic “does he like her as much as she likes him” situation – probably not.  It would seem that Rob is incapable of liking anything as much as sport. Or drinking. Or being a prat. He’s likely to be too busy being a “lad” to do anything of note but I’ll take bets on when he’ll cheat on Annalise (likely with a McQueen). There’s nothing really wrong with him, although to quote Geordie Shore (it’s like real-life Hollyoaks with stronger accents) – “it’s like Romeo and Juliet…. if Romeo was a twat.”

SCOTT SABEKA
Scott’s been largely inconsequential this week. He may have been the culprit who put Barney’s wine in the fridge but apart from that he’s done nothing exciting. He’s the dark horse though, give it a week and he’ll have been involved in numerous crimes, had affairs with at least three married women (watch out, Frankie) and inevitably do some standing moodily outside The Dog.

So there we have it. The new meat. Oh, and Will’s joined them too but he doesn’t really count. We know Will. Although we didn’t know that he had a penchant for goths with pink hair and could get so drunk he doesn’t remember anything past midnight. You learn something pointless every day. As a student, I know what it’s like and so as they enter a new chapter of their lives the big questions are:

• Will they pass any exams? (never seen any student at HCC actually do any work apart from Zoe who did some film thing)
•  Will Annalise and Rob stay together?
•  Will Theresa and Will stay together?
• Will the flat ever be clean?
• Will Ash ever not spend a night on the sofa?
• Who will be the first to die?