Men who hate women, or, Carl gets his comeuppance and Silas makes his unremarkable return

Posted on October 18, 2011 by Miriam 2 Comments

Carl Costello and Silas Blisset. Two characters, both alike in dignity, in fair Hollyoaks where we lay our scene. No I’m not suggesting there’s some sort of homoerotic connection between the two gentlemen, that would be just one step too far! But they are alike, though probably not in dignity? Unless they’re both alike in TERMS of dignity in that they are both very undignified? Enough mincing of words, I’m talking about Carl! the big dumb jerk who’s done naughty naughty things with his son’s fiancée, and Silas! the big not-dumb-but-possibly-a jerk, who derives enjoyment from strangling young ladies who enjoy the company of men! In a nutshell, both of them have a strong dislike for promiscuous women, but their means of dealing with this dislike are quite different. You see, Carl catheterises his unpleasant feelings by eliciting power over these women via having hot sex with them. It’s all rather warped for Carl Costello. Silas on the other hand is a lot more efficient – he eliminates his disdain by eliminating the source of these feelings, that being the aforementioned promiscuous women. Two sides of the same coin? Or just two very messed up gentlemen? Who knows! Either way, they both featured somewhat in last week’s episodes!

The Trials and Tribulations of Carl Costello

Carl’s been ultra busy this last week! Between dealing with Jason’s sudden bout of obnoxiousness by humiliating him in front of his classmates by confiscating his maybe-hormone blockers but probably some form of dog neutering tablet, Carl’s been offering advice to groom-to-be Riley. The usual tips a good father provides his son – do your best, be sincere, don’t find out about your wife’s illicit affairs because they’ll only cause more harm than good. Usual father-son stuff. He also makes a point of telling Mitzeee that she shall not pass (to the wedding) if she meddles with secret-keeper Seth, because Seth is taking one for the team and protecting his family, and all that. Carl has an odd way of assessing precarious situations.

Meanwhile Seth, the little blighter, seems to have taken a leaf out of Jason’s book and turned the obnoxious-meter all the way to eleven whenever Carl shows up. You know, he could just tell everyone the secret. That way he’d have a lot less internal turmoil to have to bottle up. Also, the Costellos wouldn’t have to waste so much money on a sham wedding. Whatever. Carl and Mercy have a little chat about how their fling is now in the past and they must never speak of the deed again when they’re interrupted by Warren. Warren of course wants to scam money out of Carl because he knows about the aptly named ‘Jeremy Kyle moment’, and now he’s after one thing: ‘Moneh’. £50,000 of moneh, to be exact.

Ever the hero, Carl manages to get his hands on £30,000 but has difficulty finding the other £20,000, leaving Mercy to bail him out by making up a story about Myra having debt problems and having Riley bail her out. After having bought her an entire house, it’s asking a bit much, but Riley pulls through for his soon-to-be-wife because he’s just that good of a soon-to-be-husband. Also he’s loaded. £20,000 is more like 20 quid for him.

Mercy gives Carl the money. He says well done and she goes to slap him but he manages to turn the slap into some kind of homie handshake. ‘We did this together,’ he proudly declares. ‘I wish I’da never’ve met you! ‘E dunt deserve eiver of us!’ She coldly exclaims.

Scowly scowly Carl has a bit of a shove at Seth at the pre-wedding party, physically threatening his own son when he tells him what a lying scumbag he is. Again, Seth could just tell the truth to everyone. It’s not like he’s gaining much from keeping this secret. OK, the security of a family is nice, but lots of people get along with divorced parents. And most of them don’t have a father who slept with a sibling’s spouse!

The arrival of the big day, everyone goes through the motions, getting ready, practising speeches, the McQueens using more hairspray than Motley Crue would care for, etc. etc. The gentlemen guests all wear dashing suits with lovely pink ties. Carl goes and hides all the scandalous Mitzeee books that Warren has kindly dispersed throughout the wedding room. He has a heart to heart with Riley, telling him ‘you might not want to be tied down’ and ‘if you’re not sure, you can still walk away’. Oh I get it, reverse psychology. Cunning! But Riley hears nothing of it, probably because he never witnessed Mercy’s previous hijinks in extramarital affairs and the like.

Seth has a go at Carl. Again. But fails to tell Riley what’s going on. Again. The blushing bride arrives, Carl still has a scheming Warren to deal with, it’s all getting a bit much for poor old Carl! Mercy walks down the isle to the sound of Take That’s ‘Greatest Day’. Would’ve chosen something more upbeat personally. Maybe ‘Love Love’? Just to liven the whole thing up. Then again, I know what’s coming.

Once again, classy old Hollyoaks goes the cliché route by having the dramatic climax of the wedding commence at ‘If anyone knows of any lawful reason why these two should not be married, please speak now or forever hold your piece’. Who d’ya think’s gonna spill the dirty? WHO? Who indeed! Could it be Doug? Jacqui? Seth? Any one of the other million people who knew? It won’t be who you think it is, I promise!

Alright, it was Mercy. The bride herself. At first she appeared to be having generic baby-based pains, but it turned out it was really heartache (uh huh!). Carl is horrified and shakes his beady head. Gasps all around. Mercy, what have you done!? You’ve ruined everything!

Carl reluctantly admits to the affair. And then Riley punches Carl. Sure didn’t see that coming! Carl deals with the wrath of his wife and children amongst more drama from the McQueen Youths (it’s tussle time – Classy Costellos vs. Chavvy McQueens!). Carl decides to have a word with Mercy and Riley, basically telling him that Mercedes seduced him and that he’s weak, and that Mercy is an ‘attention seeking selfish cow’, typical man excuses. Perhaps Mercy should just become a lesbian. Mercy finally gets to carry out that slap though, go Mercy! Riley rejects Carl’s apologies, and drives off in a murderous rage. Perhaps he’ll become the next Silas? It is in the genes after all.

The Return of Old Man Silas

The Costellos all clamber into their fabulous limo on the day of the wedding. It’s a miracle Heidi can fit her hat in there. They’re joined by none other than OAP murder extraordinaire, Silas!

 

Silas has decided to join the fun even though he hates slutty women such as Mercedes and is also a murderer. ‘Dad’s here!’ Heidi tells Carl at the wedding. ‘Oh that’s great news,’ he replies with less enthusiasm than is desirable. Great?! That’s fantasmagorical news, Carl! Have you not noticed that he hasn’t been around in aaages? I know I have. I missed the old guy. The nights I spent, lying awake… Oh I shouldn’t go there! He’s such a charmer, and yet, so devious, so conniving. You know what they say about still waters and all. It’s wonderful to have him back! Even though I expected something much more dramatic (i.e. stabby) but I guess they didn’t want him to steal the thunder from the wedding of the year that’s been an awfully long time coming (like a million episodes).

After Mercy breaks the revealing news about her sexy moments with Carl, Silas has a small internal explosion, rejoicing at the fact that he has possibly found his next victim. He does, after all, hate the ladies who like to, uh, get around. His scowling pursed lips are looking increasingly like a cat’s backside, but I take this as a sign that something big is boiling within the twisted confines of Old Man Silas’ brain, ready to pounce, like a tiger (just going with the cat simile there).

What will he do next? Will Mercy survive his wrath?