Witzeee – earth’s greatest villains

Posted on October 10, 2011 by Miriam No Comments

I don’t know about YOU guys, but I will always have a special place in my heart for Mitzeee that is labelled “Mitzeee’s special place in Miriam’s heart” or something to that effect. Not only is she smart AND funny AND pretty, but she totally wears the pants in the whole Mitzeee/Warren relationship. And I like a lady who wears pants! And also bosses Warren around. Too bad she can’t whip him into shape but you can’t have everything. Mitzeee and Warren, who from hereon will be referred to as Witzeee because it seemed like the most fitting neologism (i.e. it sounds just about as rubbish as Warren’s diet), have been scheming for a while now to destroy the universe (of the Costellos) by revealing that bride-to-be Mercedes had a hot/ferrety lovefest with groom-to-be Riley‘s Pa! That old skank.

Meanwhile Warren expresses his feelings about his new pal Seth ‘SEFF!!’ Costello, calling him a ‘muppet’. Kind of hypocritical if you ask me. He appears to be carrying a mysterious bag, which turns out to be a gym bag because Mitzeee’s finally sending him to Cindy‘s gym, a.k.a. the hot hangout spot for buff fake priests. Perhaps she’s hoping Warren will turn out to be a buff fake priest, or at least just buff. He wants Mitzeee to stay close to Seth to stop him from spreading the news of Carl and Mercy’s affair. Lo and behold Carl, his grand breathing organ glistening in the spotlights, and Riley, head scowlmaster, are in the gym and they both take it in turns to throw petty insults at Warren. And also Riley makes something of a threat, I guess? ‘Let me know if you need spotting. Easy to hurt yourself if you don’t know what you’re doing.’ Oh my, look out Warren, nutjob’s on the loose! Never know what he’ll do next, that Riley! Perhaps he’ll orchestrate an elaborate accident for Warren at the gym by spotting him as he works out and not spotting him correctly!

Mitzeee continues to impress when she reveals to Mercy that she has basic knowledge (yes, that’s right, basic knowledge!) of French. She corrects Mercy’s pronunciation of ‘fatty gay’. Having both done the dirty deed with Carl, the two share a kind of special bond, though unspoken. But Mitzeee’s clearly dying to use this information against Mercy as she makes ironic remarks about Riley’s happiness.

Mitzeee follows Warren’s orders just to reassure him of his masculinity. Seth’s in need of some inspiration for his best man’s speech. ‘If you can’t make ‘em laugh, make ‘em cry,’ she wisely tells Seth (more irony! These guys are so CLEVARR!). However, Mitzeee has some difficulty committing to babysitting gormless old Seth, which is understandable, the boy has about as much charm as a teabag, though even a teabag actually has more charm considering that tea is delicious and warm. Faulty simile on my part, apologies. Warren convinces Mitzeee and thanks her by literally grunting like a pig. An unexpected reaction! I would have expected a little kiss or some kind of loving embrace but Warren seems to have reduced himself to barnyard animal status. I guess he thinks that’ll get him out of going to the gym.

Seth and Mitzeee have a rummage through Riley’s room in a hope to embarrass the poor boy in Seth’s best man speech. They discover raunchy magazines because Mercy checks Riley’s internet history (because he’s too stupid to work out how to enable private browsing. Or just delete his history). So to clarify, Mercedes believes that having sex with your fiancee’s father is OK; whilst looking at porn is a definite no-no. This is what I love about Mercy – the utter logical bankruptcy, so inconsistent. More importantly, Seth uncovers a box of chocolate bars (actually Warren’s?), all with the wrappers conveniently placed so that one can easily recognise the particular brands of confectionary that have paid to have their names so boldly displayed. Capitalism!

Riley, thinking the worst, waltzes in and gives them both a telling off and insults Warren while he’s at it (easy target). Mitzeee, in a fit of, I’m not really sure, anger? Carelessness? Clumsiness? Uh, something, breaks the wine glass she’s holding whilst making a retort. Riley seems unfazed by this. I guess breaking wine glass is a normal thing if you’re a big strong man like Riley. She’s OK everyone! But Riley’s right, it WOULD, as he suggests, be a better idea for Mitzeee to marry Craig David instead of Warren! His weekdays are so varied! You’d have so much fun with him, every week! There’s more drinking, some complaining about Mitzeee’s youth, blah blah. Bonding!

Mitzeee gets increasingly drunker, probably due to the stress that Warren is exerting on her. She comes THIS close to telling Riley the truth but then falls asleep. PHEW (phew? I can’t even decide whose side I’m on anymore. I hate Mercedes, but I like Mitzeee, but I hate Warren? It’s a strange place to be in!). So Riley takes Mitzeee to sleep in his bed, in an entirely unsaucy way, but is witnessed gently caressing Mitzeee’s face whilst brushing her hair aside by Jason who takes a picture of it out as an act of teen rebellion because Carl won’t give him his boy hormones. And also Riley had a go at Jason for being such a brat, though Riley clearly has no idea what it’s like to be living in the wrong body, that jerk.

Moral being that she is, Mitzeee starts to have second thoughts about the whole ruining-a-happy-couple-and-their-unborn-child’s lives plan. She makes up a story about spending the night with Heidi (not in THAT way, you dirty minded readers!), though this turns out to be futile since Warren finds out from Seth and Jason that Heidi’s gone away, again. He then witnesses a faux morning after conversation between Riley and Mitzeee. That gets his fat, I mean BLOOD, boiling! Though his obsession with food does lead him to bringing Mitzeee some Chinese, in an attempt to fatten her up to get back at her for sleeping in Riley’s bed. Though his mind immediately jumps to a place where it shouldn’t jump (a place that’s vaguely incestuous).

Anyway, one thing leads to another, next thing you know, Warren receives the picture and becomes very angry indeed! Note how his expression goes from confused to utterly bewildered, back to confused and then to COMPLETELY CRAZY! in a matter of seconds. Now that’s a spectrum of facial expressions! Very little tongue action though, unusually for Warren. This is slightly troubling.

Thinking that his beau is having an affair with her first cousin once removed (I actually drew out a family tree to make sense of this. Geez, the Costellos are a complicated family!), Warren asks Mitzeee what the meaning of the photo is. Or screams questions at her. Convinced that she slept with Riley, he storms off to presumably punch in Riley’s beaky face.

Mitzeee follows, BAREFOOT, might I add. Her shoes are too pointy for running down the street after your psycho boyfriend, the health warning on the box said so. Warren screeches some stuff at Riley, Carl ferreting to the rescue: ‘do you really think my son would go anywhere near a cheap tart like Mitzeee?’. Alright, that does it, I don’t care how much I dislike Warren, he can sock Carl as much as he wants if he’s going to insult Mitzeee, who is perfect in every way!

Mitzeee and Warren shuffle away with Warren grabbing Mitzeee in what should be a kindly manner but looks more like a headlock. Mitzeee has a word with Warren, explaining that she in fact did not have sex with her cousin. Well that’s a relief. Granted Warren is kind of an idiot for assuming such a thing. I know it’s technically legal and all, but… you know. So I guess they make up. However, Warren is even more driven to wreak havoc on the Costellos, given that he thinks they’ll pay him a lot of money to keep that photo secret. Could work, I suppose. Awful lot of trouble to go to for a bit of cash though.

Though she’d been getting increasingly less confident about Warren’s superplan, Mitzeee has a drastic change of heart when she’s effectively barred from the wedding because the Costello men all hate her. Just because she’s more attractive than they are. People get jealous easily, you see. Poor Mitzeee, she was so looking forward to the wedding. ‘I need them to feel the way they’ve made me feel for all these years. I wanna destroy them so bad, the pain never, ever ends,’ she seethes at Warren. That’s the spirit, Mizeee, nothing quite like revenge on relatives who treat you like dirt! I kind of like Mitzeee when she’s in eeevil mode! Witzeee is now Hollyoaks’ best ever eeevil couple (though there aren’t all that many to choose from so that was kind of a given).

If you’ll now excuse me, I have an inexplicable urge to gorge myself on Milka chocolate. And possibly a Mars bar. Weird.