Brendanwatch: help!..it’s the Hair Bear Brendan!

Posted on November 14, 2011 by Miriam No Comments

Everyone likes Brendan, right? It’s just one of those things. There’s something strangely alluring about a man with a handlebar moustache that big. He may have issues (the dismissal of his underlying gayness, beating up unsuspecting ratboys, accidentally assaulting his own sister, going back for more ratboy beating, grabbing Doug’s face, emotionally manipulating most people within proximity, and so on), but no one can deny that Brendan is something special, and that he was here to stay.

Until he was falsely accused and arrested for the murder of Rae (courtesy of underachieving serial killer Silas) and had to go to prison. You know what they say about prison: ‘ain’t no face-grabbing in prison’ (that is what is generally said about prisons), unless it’s Brendan’s face being grabbed (the tables have turned!). Oh and ‘grabbed’ = punched, incidentally. Seems Warren has been keeping his promises, using his in-prison personal on-demand thug system to have Brendan pummelled every once in a while so that Brendan hands over the club. Silly Warren, you should know that Brendan is more resilient.

In the meantime, Brendo has been putting his free time to, um, “good” use by growing a full and hearty beard. I always wondered what men who have moustaches anyway do in Movember. Now I know that they go one step further by just not shaving at all. And oh how their life partners must love them for it.

Cheryl can’t bear to look at Brendan in this rather undignified state. Also, she wants him to come home but the prison… people, let’s just call them, because they are only ever referred to as ‘they’, just won’t let the poor boy go. She fails to notice all the care that has gone into Brendan’s elaborate hairstyle as he whispers ‘pray for me Chez.’ And then he goes back to his cell and starts reading the Bible, albeit in a slightly troubling Alex from A Clockwork Orange way, ‘oi for oi, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.’ Yes, something is brewing for Brendo, and it probably involves more than just a trusty pot of Brylcreem once he’s made it out of prison. I’m guessing it’ll involve eyes, teeth, hands and feet, though possibly not in that order?

And guess who shows up during Cheryl’s next visit? None other than local crazy-person-turned-village-hero, Lynsey! An Oirish reunion! Cheryl, still suspicious of Lynsey even though her  assertions have now been acknowledged and accepted as truth, goes off to find some delicious prison coffee. Lynsey tries to convince Brendan to see a counsellor, swiftly noticing his deteriorating mental stability, but Brendan assures her that he is a Real Man and Real Men don’t do counselling. What he does want is for Lynsey to keep an eye on Warren, a very wise choice of person to carry out that task. People definitely won’t think she’s crazy if she starts spying on a local businessman for no reason.

Speaking of our pal, chubby Warren, Brendan uses his weekly phone call to call chubby Warren, though apparently he just wanted to hear chubby Warren’s voice because he doesn’t actually say anything to chubby Warren. Warren on the other hand is very vocal on this particular occasion, recognising Brendan’s creepy stalker-like breathing. ‘You know wot I ‘ate? All those mooppets who say that jail is like an ‘oliday camp.’ Other than informing Brendan about what he ate, he taunts him about not being able to see his loved ones (even though he technically has about three loved ones and he just saw two of them?). ‘This isn’t over, Foxy,’ Brendan manages to wheeze and Warren blows him a few generous kisses down the phone. Warren’s cruel words haunt Brendan, sending him into violent outburst of violence! Letting out a really rather feeble screech, he proceeds to smash up his (quite roomy?) cell. Which is kind of ungrateful really, considering he has a bed, a desk and enough room to swing a cat in, should he wish to swing a cat, which in his mental state he might well! Anyway, restraint via silent extras posing as prison wardens was used! They acted their little hearts out.

So Brendo is provided with new sheets upon which he lays pensively, thinking away and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?! You guys, I’m saddened to report that Brendan Brady, your hero, has been replaced by some kind of hairy creature, possibly of Cousin It heritage (should that be HAIRitage, eh? Eh??). Either that, or Brendan’s taken to wearing Russ-style hairvests, vests of hair.

Indeed, the hirsute one is hirsutely contemplating fluffy cold tufty revenge woolly on Warren. Shaggy. And this involves being shirtless and then praying as the silent prison wardens come for him. After returning fully clothed he mournfully gazes at this son, Justin Bieber/Declan. How he mourns for him.

Worrying about the state of Brendan’s plumage, Lynsey returns. ‘You don’t believe in an oi for an oi, Lynsey?’ he asks as she expresses her concern at his scheming revenge on Warren. ‘Enough with the Bible references already,’ a normal person would answer, but then again Lynsey isn’t exactly the poster child for normal and responds ‘What is it they say? Everyone goes blind.’ Again with this esoteric ‘they’! It wasn’t ‘they’ who said that everyone goes blind, first it was Ghandi, then it was Martin Luther King, quoting Ghandi! Cite your references in future, Lynsey! Brendan doesn’t listen, and refers to Silas’ obsession with chess as a useful parallel to Brendan’s obsession with Warren, because Warren and chess are essentially the same when it comes down to the foundations.

Oh hey! Cheryl’s back, again, what joy. Seriously, when is Brendan going to be released? All this back and forth visiting hours rubbish is quite tedious. Apparently the bail hearing will be next week, guh. The saga continues. Brendan is sad on this occasion. Silent wardens bring him a package. It’s a chessboard. From Lynsey. Which suggests, what, that Brendan should be more patient like Silas? Because, and this is news to all I’m sure, SILAS WAS A TERRIBLE STRATEGIST. He accidentally killed his own daughter. And he only just about made it to serial killer status. And why on earth would you want to be more like a serial killer? Especially seeing as Brendan is in prison because of Silas? And also Silas is in jail? So now Brendan is learning to play chess which is actually a great big metaphor for getting his own back in general, very imaginative. But what’s this? A secret item in the chess case? They don’t carry out very thorough checks on external items at this prison, do they? Oh it’s just another boring old chess piece wrapped in another boring old ‘don’t seek revenge’ note, don’t you just hate it when you receive notes that tell you not to seek revenge when revenge is all you need to soothe your tormented soul?

This leads us to the very important point: how will Brendan get his revenge on Warren, and all those other people who have wronged him (Silas and possibly Ethan for being generally incompetent? Please say yes)? My bet is that he’ll shave off all his hairs and then set them loose on Warren so that they engulf him totally. Voila! No more Warren, and no more stupid beard. In fact, I do believe that is the sole reason for Brendan’s beard-growing activities in recent weeks. It’s all part of the plan.