Since Will was born he started to decay, now nothing ever, ever goes his way

Posted on November 4, 2011 by Miriam 4 Comments

The hot story of the week may largely involve murderous shenanigans with Old Man Silas, but that doesn’t mean that life can’t go on for the regular residents of peaceful old Hollyoaks. Indeed, who could be any more regular than humble, angsty teenage nerd, Will Savage. He may be blood relative to a robot (I’m sure it is possible, somehow, to be blood relative to a robot), but this boy is all HEART – all he wants to do is woo his disproportionately attractive girlfriend. Aw!

The thing about Will that may be an issue for some people, I don’t know who exactly, but I’m sure these CRAZY people exist, somewhere, is that Will somehow doesn’t seem all that genuine a nerd. It all seems a lot like window dressing a lot of the time. To some people. I don’t know who. Not necessarily me. You see, he may be super smart, and he may sport a pair of emo horn-rimmed glasses, but underneath those layers and layers of cardigans and plaid shirts, Will is actually pretty buff. Way too buff to be a nerd. In fact, if you saw Will walking down the street, with a body and a face like that, you’d probably be inclined to think he’s just a regular old hipster rockin’ the whole “geek chic” thing. Which is cool and everything. But that’s just a point right there that may be thing for certain viewers who may or may not take issue with matters regarding a character’s true geekhood. On the other hand, when it comes to the ladies, BOY DOES HE FAIL. How did Will end up getting with Theresa again? Didn’t it take him a million tries, like some sort of warped videogame where the object of the videogame is to get the pretty blonde girl who actually is going  out with the three-timing incompetent detective and you have to keep starting over because all the game gives you is some stupid randomised code to allow you to continue playing at that level rather than letting you save the game, and you end up seriously offending the girl by calling her names and being disrespectful. And also your brother is a lot more attractive than you are, supposedly. A very enlightening analogy! Anyway, I thought I’d take it upon myself to gauge Will’s levels of geekery at varying intervals just to see how it all levels out. Will Will ever become a stud? Or is Will willing to just be that awkward guy who acts geeky but is surprisingly toned and muscular? (Which would be a perfectly acceptable thing to settle for! I know I’d rather be socially inept but totally hot than, say, and ugly charmer!)

At the beginning of the week, Will is huffing and humming about doing the horizontal hula with Theresa. Fair enough! It is a big decision to make when you are a consenting adult in a relationship! And sassy Michaela just adds to the turmoil by acting all “you slept together – how adorable yet gross!” around them. How wrong she is about all those things! Nonetheless, Will and Theresa arrange a romantic evening together, and Michaela kindly agrees to look after Kathleen Angel because she is feeling surprisingly kind hearted and also there’s a repeat of Ladette to Lady lurking on one of the channels, presumably, which is always worth watching.

Meanwhile Will attempts to arm himself to the teeth with contraceptives (better safe than sorry, kids!), only the machine hates him so I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

Little does he know that big bro Dodger is in the cubicle. He gives Will a ‘that’s m’man!’ look as he leaves and sorts out Will later on. Lo and behold, Dodger is shocked to find out that Will and Theresa haven’t yet gone all the way (gasp). Indeed, Will divulges that they’ve never even embarked on ‘the way’, ever, and that he’s only ever had sex with one girl and it was so bad that now he’s really scared of doing it again. Then Dodger uses Dodger Logic, which is the best kind of logic, to deduce that Will is actually a virgin? Because the first time was bad. Uh, no, Dodger, technically that does not make Will a virgin, because he has actually had sex once before? And nothing can undo that act of very permanent permanence. Not even Dodger Logic. And anyway, declaring that Will is a reborn virgin just makes everything worse because now Will is a nervous wreck (on the
other hand it’s his fault for falling victim to Dodger Logic, which is very convincing I’m sure – remember the two left-footed shoes he was selling as a pair? Very convincing sale that was. But still. Shut up Dodger, and grow up Will. The end.). Purely for being convinced by Dodger Logic, Will is stripped of what little cool status he possessed previously.

But disappointment awaits Will. Sore disappointment! Because Theresa has forgotten all about their romantic plans because Kathleen Angel has a cold or the plague or whatever weak excuses she can conjure up. Poor Will, he even got all fancy by wearing his Best Shirt that appears to be made of my grandmother’s bedroom curtains.

Having failed once again (whilst wearing that shirt), Will’s self-esteem couldn’t really get any lower, so that places him even closer to total nerdiness on our extremely scientific scale!

I think the only way that insult could possibly be added to injury (injury = lack of sex; insult = Theresa’s baby) would be if some guy showed up in Will’s kitchenette wearing a jock strap. So the next day, obviously, some guy (Rob) shows up in Will’s kitchenette wearing a jock strap.

Well, that was normal. Seems Will has taken up rugby. I’d be surprised but Will’s buffness has already been discussed as a point of discussion, rendering the point irrelevant. Of course he’d be good at rugby! Look at him! This invariably raises his status on the Scale of Geekery.

He discusses his accomplishment later on with a semi-nude Dodgerbot, who shows him his banana and taunts him some more about sleeping with Theresa. Will keeps flip-flopping between wanting to have sex with a beautiful woman and not wanting to have sex with a beautiful woman, so Dodger makes stabbing gestures at him with a phallic object so now all is well for Will. On the outside at least; however he is now psychologically damaged.

And so, the eternal struggle continues for Will. Also, he’s painfully unaware of the fact that Theresa might quite possibly be next on Silas’ to-kill list. Whoopsie! He goes for a drink with his uni buddies and ends up staying there instead of romancing Theresa. This boy just needs a kick in the butt! And also a new wardrobe (perhaps borrowing Dodger’s REEM t-shirt would give him a boost of confidence?). Theresa, meantime, shows up at the student halls with a startled Barney opening the door. He gives her wine then shuffles off. ‘I’ll leave you to it,’ he says. Rude! The least he could do is offer Theresa some company, but I guess he’s just too posh to hang out with a chavtastic McQueen.

Will finally shows up but things go from bad to worse when he offers Theresa some spicy puttanesca sauce and gets it all over his annoying babyface because Theresa is ungrateful and doesn’t like spicy puttanesca sauces and tomatoes and everything sucks because Will offers her stuffing mix instead.

So they end up watching films and Theresa has a go at him. Did you know that the literal translation of spaghetti alla puttanesca is ‘whore’s style spaghetti’? Fitting! Wonder if that was intentional. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t like it?

Gosh, what a battle it is, just for a young man to court a young woman so that they can go forth and multiply, ensuring the survival of their genes. NATURE SUCKS, or it does for Will, who should just do us all a favour and give up. Even after they have a heart-to-heart and it looks like they’re finally going to make it, they’re interrupted by Rob and Annalise, who take it upon themselves to exhibit their uncontrollable lust for one another. Awkward.

And when Will awakens, fully clothed, the next morning to Theresa’s utterly irritating preening and pouting, he can’t help but feel just a tiny bit sad, hiding deep in the confines of his duvet, like a vole in hibernation, timid, afraid. More awkward banter ensues – ‘I don’t suppose there’s any chance of us two doing that, is there?’ says Will at Theresa’s comments regarding the night of hot sex that Rob and Annalise have had. He mans up like a man and apologises for the previous night’s lack of sexual intercourse, but Theresa hesitates at the proposal of trying again that night. Theresa bids fairwell to her imperfect lover amongst semi-nude Scott-shaped peoples and Barney, emasculated, in a pink apron, unaware that at this very moment, Lynsey is suspicious that Silas may have found his latest victim in her.

Dodger, always a helping hand, assures Theresa that things will turn out just swell for her and Will. Will comes waltzing in, ready to sweep Theresa off her feet, but Lynsey arrives in a tirade of demented insanity, telling Texas and Theresa they are in mortal peril, by essentially calling them sluts. Will seizes the moment and roars ‘Who’s calling who a SLUT?!’ That’s the spirit, Will, make a stand for your lady, who despite having an illegitimate child with a mysterious stallion from the past is definitely no slut!

Later on, Will apologises to Theresa, yet again, which is taking it a bit far maybe, but Theresa expresses her anxiety about Will’s new student life and being a burden on Will’s partying or something. But Will says he needs Theresa to get through uni, because it’s just too hard! And so, the couple embrace in a delightful maelstrom of passion that can only be the culmination of hours of sexual frustration and social inadequacies, now swept away in a moment of true love. It’s about time!

And so, even if it is just for tonight, Will has made a significant accomplishment, because in his mind at least, he has finally reached stud status.

(They fail to notice the ominous chess-based souvenir the local serial killer has left them but that would spoil the moment anyway.)

Clearly, this won’t last. Will is already having insecurities about his performance the next day and needs Theresa to tell him he was ‘perfect’ and/or ‘amazing’, she doesn’t specify, but what this TMI exchange does tell us that Jesus Christ, Will, pull it together and get a grip and stop worrying and be quiet.

So for the moment, Will probably sees himself as being closer to a stud, the coolest of cool, than ever before. He usually lingers around ‘uncool but friendly’ by default. The boy is friendly! But so uncool! But this last week has been hard. It’s like the writers decided that Will would perpetually be in a state of almost sleeping with Theresa but is unable to due to his own social ineptness and the fact that Theresa doesn’t like sauce or whatever. Geez, we get it, Hollyoaks, Will is awkward! We know! Now get on with the actual stuff happening and things! Of course we need to remember that Will suffers from chronic teen angst anyway. The boy just can’t help it! Also, there’s a murderer on the loose! But for now, Will is doing pretty well. Sure, he may have let Theresa run off into the night whilst wearing a revealing little red riding hood costume with a murderer on the loose after seeing her being lightly caressed by that jerk Ethan, but that was a momentary lapse! There will always be highs and lows! It won’t happen again! I’m sure he’s thankful that Theresa is alive at the end of the night! And as a well known, wise, popular music group once said, things can only get better. Now stop being so emo and get on with it.