The never-ending story
I’ve been avoiding this. But I just can’t duck out of it any longer. Here we go. *cracks knuckles*
So. Bart and Sinead. It’s been going on a long time, right? Can anyone remember how it started? Is anyone still bovvered? Because we’re struggling. Let’s recap.
About 453 years ago, Sinead had the hots for Taylor Sharpe, and snogged him amongst the foam in what was WLH’s Worst Episode Ever. Meanwhile, Bart was arse over tits in love with Jasmine. But Taylor was dispatched to Wales on account of his whole family being crap. And Bart was confused, because Jasmine wanted to be Jason, and he was terrible fond of her ladybits. Sinead, looking round for fresh meat to feed on, transferred her attachment Bartwards. He didn’t say no, because he’s 16 and has a Y chromosome, and she’s got nice boobs. So far, so absolutely love’s young dream.
We’ve got a vague memory that he dumped her at one point, when she was being a bitch to Esther. Then he had a near-snog incident with now boy-wigged Jason and ran back to Sinead’s bed to assert his heterosexuality. Not much happened for a fair bit. Then they went off on holiday together, Bart was an arse and ignored her in order to flirt with Sienna Mini-Miller, ex-gf and random posho Maddie. Sinead stropped like a madam and had a drunken near-drowning incident so serious it actually washed off her mascara. And when she opened her eyes, something happened. She decided her and Bart were Romeo and Juliet. Our only thought is, she must have had a knock on the head and woken up in someone else’s story.
RARE DIANE SIGHTING! If this was your Mum, would you run away with Gaz? WOULD YOU?
They ran away together in a rampant over-reaction to step-Mum Diane “Jackie Corkhill” O’Connor taking a dislike to Bart, and we can’t say we blame her. Ended up in a tent, where we were treated to a lot of semi-nudity and snoggage. And then Sinead’s romantic idyll was brought to a grinding halt when Jason turned up to cockblock, and she overheard Bart tell him he’d always loved him, thus getting the bad news that a) this had turned into a McDean reheat, and b) she was Sarah. And OK, we get that this would be enough to upset anyone, but calling Jason a freak and ripping off his shirt to point at his chest wasn’t perhaps the best way to handle it.
Um … what next? They all came home on the bus and had a slo-mo weepy sequence. Then it got a bit random. Jason dumped Bart, so they could all move on, which was kinda abrupt considering they’d just admitted undying love, but it was time for the next storyline. Then Gaz appeared. Yeah, that’s Gaz “not been seen since boffing Heidi.” In spite of the fact that he looks like a talking testicle, he was declared by the teens who had arrived from Abersoch and invaded the village like Bodysnatchers, and who were clearly blind, to be well fit. So Sinead pushed herself into his revolting arms to punish Bart for not thinking of her 24 hours a day. Or sommat. In the mean time, Siena M-M moved in on Bart like a preying mantis.
That’s it. Romantic, innit? It’s got Darcy and Lizzie written all over it.
You’ll have sussed by now that we lost the will to live with SinBart somewhere around Abersoch, and we were no great fan to start with. Watching them repeatedly make cow eyes at each other while behaving like divas is, as Brendan put it, a bit like a hammer to the face. Just not as sexy. Thing is, there’s always one storyline on the Oaks which never ends. Literally, never. Calvin’s murder was one such. He couldn’t even be trusted to stay away when he was dead. The Theresa/Ethan/Liberty/Rae/Will pentangle of cheatery was another. By the time Theresa finally got with Will, they’d lost us somewhere on the M5 on the way back from T4OnTheBeach, and we sort of wish they’d never bothered. And after all that, Ethan’s still hanging round like the stale odour of last night’s fry-up. People, Bart and Sinead is this story. IT NEVER ENDS.
I have no clue what was going on this week. Sinead magically got Gaz a job he’d never asked for, roadying for
Unrealistic job poster is unrealistic
some band-bloke she’d only just met. Like, as if. And she had to go as well, for absolutely no explicable reason. Even though she’s only 16, she only just ran away 3 months ago, and she wanted to study to be a vet. She’s giving it all up … for Gaz. Let’s just take time to consider that. GAZ. Yep, she’s a half-wit. Other than that, everyone bitched at everyone else because Gaz randomly tried to snog Maddie, who didn’t want to know, who told Sinead, who didn’t want to know, and Bart and Sinead bitched at each other, because, y’know, that’s the cheapest shortcut to suggesting UST. There were scenes in the toilets. No, not THOSE kind of scenes, not George Michael scenes, we wish, but just scenes. We think this might make a new drinking game actually:
- Girls gaze balefully into loo mirror while fixing lippy and talking about boys – SHOT
- Gay George emerges from girls’ cubicle and makes naff remark of supposedly Wildean wit – DOWN
Pod People HQ
Funny how you never see the chit-chat that goes on in the boys’ urinals. I’d pay good money not to see that actually.
Hashtag-Jono: “Ohh, I’d DEFINITELY do that.”
Neil: “Yeah, I’d definitely do that. Bro.”
Deathless.
Rise of the Pods: Posh, Ginger, Spoon, Idiot, and Street
Anyway, moving on, we had the same conversations between Sinead and Bart, and Maddie and Gaz, at least four times each, the result of which was that Sinead left a note for poor old Diane (again), got in a taxi and moved away with a boy she didn’t love just because she thought Bart didn’t like her, while Maddie.com defied all dramatic logic to blag tickets off Gaz for her and the rest of the Pod People to follow on down to the AMAZING EXCLUSIVE GIG. Jason, handily forgetting a) that his Mum had just been brutally murdered by his Grandad, and b) that Sinead was a bitch to him, was amazed to find out Gaz was a lech, (hardly headline news, considering he shagged Jase’s Mum), and urged Bart to get on the Bartmobile to London Tahn and declare his love. Which he did. THE END.
I mean, there was some other stuff, a special episode where Bart seemed to experience false memory syndrome, and decided Sinead was THE ONE. And there was some rap gig, where Bart grabbed the mike and serenaded Sinead in a move straight from the Richard Curtis Big Book of Emotion. Personally, we’d take Barney’s karaoke rendition of Paranoid any day, but Sinead seemed to like it. Anyway effectively, it was THE END. Yay! Except IT NEVER WILL BE.
We don’t get these two. They didn’t make me cry, and I cry when I run out of tea bags. Over on the other side of the village, Kelly telling Duncan he needed to grow up before he was ready for a relationship, THAT made me cry – buckets. Maybe Sinead could learn something from Kelly. Kel sure as hell had better taste in clothes (leggings and flatties for the win!). Maybe it’s all just a bit … overheated. We can’t help feeling they both need to go home, take a long, cool shower (easy, not together), and have a bit of a think, if their hormones haven’t totally rotted their brains. Sinead love, get a hobby. Take up knitting. Get a dog. Anything. Have a chat with Diane. If anyone’s in a position to tell you that who your boyfriend is at 16 shouldn’t take over your whole life, it’s her. And Bart could do worse than pay some heed to Zenmeister Darren. “You need to do something that makes YOU happy,” Daz told broken-hearted Duncan, this week, “but not for a girl.” Tru dat. *SOB*
We know we’re an old git, but let’s cut to the chase. This IS NOT ROMANCE. Big Gestures do not romance make. As cutie-pie Scott is teaching Annalise, the best things go unplanned. Hollyoaks, you KNOW what romance is. It’s raw, and vulnerable, and a bit silly. It catches you on the hop. It’s in the little things. It’s losing 10% off your mark for a girl who belongs to someone else. It’s Darren calling Nancy midgy, and Nancy squeaking. It’s Jacqui marrying Rhys in curlers (curlers on Jacqui, not Rhys), and Rhys reading a boring car mag to her til she fell asleep. It’s Brendan stroking the hair off Ste’s forehead, because he just can’t help himself, and Ste letting him for the same reason, and definitely no punches being thrown. It’s equal parts desire, and surrender. It’s being better together, but sometimes having to be apart. It’s chemical. It’s inconvenient. It’s spontaneous. It’s unsettling. And it’s usually fleeting. That’s romance. If it ain’t there, ain’t no recipe in the world you can follow to make it.
Sinead and Bart continue to make each other really happy
If there’s folks out there who love them, we have no doubt Sinead and Bart will go on and on and on and on and Ariston. It’s just we hoped we’d never have to say this, but they have taken Calvin’s very special place in our cold, unsentimental heart. Give us a buzz when it’s all over. We’re thinking 2022.
/end rant. Thanks for listening. We feel SO much better. Now, where the hell is Brendan?
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mojo5000
191 days ago
Unsurprisingly this post was more than a hundred times more interesting than the neverending tale of Bart and Sinead! The only two words which seem appropriate for the pair of them (words that aren’t sweary) are simply: GROW UP!
Myras_Kitchen
191 days ago
Oh my word, yes. Sinead’s like that best mate you have at school who starts going on and on and on about some lad, and you try to be sympathetic, and then after weeks you finally crack and realise that a) she’s selfish and boring and b) she’s pissing her life away … on a boy. And you realise you need new friends.
Miriam
191 days ago
Urgh, don’t GET ME STARTED on that unrealistic job poster! And the internal monologue of Sinead reading it, WTF was up with that?! And if if the guy would just GIVE Gaz(!) AND Sinead the job! Without even meeting Gaz??!
Myras_Kitchen
191 days ago
Not Hollyoaks’s most convincing bit of plotting ever. Levers could be heard creaking. I would just dearly love to know what the tragically silent Diane would have to say about Sinead running off with a lad twice in 3 months, other than ARE YOU MENTAL? But I bet we never find out.
Kay
190 days ago
I know this makes me boring, old and pedantic, but she was Jaqui Dixon, Jackie Corkhill was about 20 years older than her.
Myras_Kitchen
190 days ago
Hey, I like boring old pedants! What can I say? Oops. Brookside seems like a long time ago, and I can barely remember what I did yesterday.
Rachael
190 days ago
It’s not Bart-and-Sinead related (yay!), but I have to say, the most interesting thing I found out during this week’s episodes is that Sinead apparently wears more IN bed than she does out of it.
Myras_Kitchen
190 days ago
Indeed, Sinead is the only person who gets undressed to go to school. She also looks better in the morning without the make up counter of Superdrug attached to her face.
Mrs_Fox
190 days ago
Imagine giving a job to a guy you’ve never met whose only credentials come from the sixteen year-old girlfriend he’s had for two minutes and was planning to “bin off” and then said guy turning out to be….. Gaz. That day would be almost as bad as this whole storyline.
Myras_Kitchen
190 days ago
The job ad makes me hoot. They wanted “enthusiastic and outgoing” and they got … a racist with a criminal record. They possibly need to rethink their selection policies.
Dina
189 days ago
Nice Brendan quote useage. Indeed this whole storyline has been like a hammer to the face only not as fun or interesting. I also can’t forgive this storyline for being the in for those truly rubbish teenagers. I blame them for the extra time I had on my hands that lead to my lapse in judgement that lead to me starting to strip the wallpaper off my bathroom walls.
Your description of true romance for hot. It made me feel more emotion than this whole story.
I do like Bart’s red Doc’s though.
Myras_Kitchen
189 days ago
Thanks! You can’t beat a good Brendanism. I think this story has been enough to drive us all to the bathroom, but at least you got some lovely new wallpaper out of it. I never actually noticed anything Bart had on his feet, I was too busy waiting in a catatonic state for it to be over, but I’ll keep my eyes posted. I like a nice pair of Docs.
Dina
189 days ago
*was hot. Grrr.