Who’s the Daddy?

Posted on December 5, 2011 by Mrs_Fox 4 Comments

Riley is the answer to that question, which came as no surprise to any of us since Carl had already planned to move to America (interesting change of cull-location) and although he could have an affair with his son’s fiancée, keep it quiet and allow him to marry her, force his other son into keeping his sordid secret and possibly father a child with her, but he could never leave her to cope with the baby alone. Fortunately his plans weren’t ruined and Carl and his squinty eyes jetted off to California to stay in a house he never seemed to purchase with the other son he bribed into coming with him.

After turning up to sixth form college at lunchtime, what seemed like practically every lunchtime, Seth remained unconvinced but Jason jumped at the opportunity to actually be Jason. Clever bit of trickery from Carl there with only Seth, in a rare moment of intelligence, realising that this blatant attempt at buying Jason’s affections and Californian company was rather pathetic. Then again, pathetic is what Carl does best. Managing to convince at least one of his twins to move with him seemed to be the priority, with other surely more important logistical concerns being ignored. Who now owns the pub? Is it a present to Riley? Does he not remember that Riley is a FOOTBALLER? He hasn’t got time to run a pub. Leaving Hollyoaks in turmoil, off went Carl and Jason, with no consideration for the “family” he had left behind. And evidently no plans to attend his late wife’s funeral. Nice guy.

Mercedes (being given the “Ice Queen” title by Jason and taking the crown from Maddie) spent all week pushing the pram around the village, acting like she’d rather have anything but a baby and being even more whiny than usual. Deciding that he couldn’t bond with a son who may actually be his half-brother (only in Hollyoaks) Riley booked a paternity test to find out once and for all if he could cut all ties with the McQueens and move on to some other tart. Or more likely, Mitzeee, one of his own relatives. Doing her usual “turn up with the baby” trick, Mercedes dumped him on Riley‘s lap and suggested a “family” outing, forgetting that it’s quite hard to go on, or indeed enjoy, family outings if you’re not part of a family.

Trying to take care of his own family, Riley did some weird reverse psychology thing involving tree-climbing and “not having a care in the world”. I don’t think it’s that easy to effectively reminisce about a time when you didn’t have a care in the world if in the time that has elapsed, your dad’s had an affair with your fiancé, your mum has been murdered by your grandfather and your dad wants to move across the Atlantic with half the family. In an attempt to forget about his problems, Riley spent the majority of the week playing computer games at full volume (how rude, especially when they had guests round – does Warren constitute a guest?) and attempting to mediate in disputes between Jason and Seth even though Seth was blatantly right and he surely still hates Carl.

Conveniently the paternity results were the day Carl intended to take Jason off to sunny California. Convenient because it meant he wouldn’t miss the beautiful moment where it was revealed whether he was the father of his son’s ex-fiancé’s child, and because at least if it transpired that “baby” was his, he would have the perfect excuse to escape. And so they all stood in the flat, all with their jackets on because Mercedes wasn’t really allowed to stay, Riley had been out “clearing his head” and Carl was meant to be dashing off to the airport. And so Mercedes was right. For once. The baby is Riley‘s and he now has “everything he thought he wanted”. That’s the trouble with wanting things, once you get them you don’t want them quite so much anymore.

Not overly interested in the baby, Riley was even less interested in baby names – “go with that then” being the extent of his in-put and the baby being called “Bobby”. A surprisingly normal choice from the (Mc)Queen of the Village Chavs. Riley kindly offered to drive his son and almost-wife to the registry office (any excuse to show off the car) but this surprise act of kindness turned out to be a one-off. Riley threw out the ultimate in insults – “I wish you’d died in that vault” – also highly original as there probably aren’t many people who can use the “when my grandfather kidnapped you for being promiscuous and sleeping with my dad even though you were engaged to me, I wish that instead of finding you in the underground cellar we all forgot existed we’d left you there to die.”

And so off went Mercedes, her head held high even though she was, once again, the one in the wrong, with Riley telling her to never forget that he did once love her. Not sure how much that’s going to help her as a single mother with no more eligible men in the village for her to seduce. Part of me wants them to get back together, for Riley to somehow manage to overlook her indiscretion and for her to be a little less of a slut. But she’s a McQueen, and I just don’t see it happening. She’s probably got a list drawn up already; Ethan should watch out.