And now they’re getting married because Darren has “insight and is perceptive”. Apparently. He’s matured so much that he doesn’t even know that salt and vinegar is Nancy‘s favourite flavour of crisps. Darren, even we could have guessed that. Although Nancy is a “traditionalist”  (ie. dull) Darren thinks he is appropriately equipped to organise their wedding. Nancy’s wedding. The most important day of her life. Darren Osborne – wedding extraordinaire, never thought I’d be saying that.

The beginnings of the plans did begin however with failing to correctly guess what her favourite ice cream is (OBVIOUSLY it wouldn’t be something as exotic as rum and raisin, Darren) and thinking about, writing down, and scoring out some very poorly-planned looking plans in a cheap notebook which he now carries everywhere.

Darren hadn’t realised how difficult wedding planning would be – it’s not just pretty dresses and cakes. No no, he needed something called a registrar. And that was the first colloquial spanner. It wasn’t just the disco and the flowers that Darren had to worry about, he also had to get Nancy to attend an interview and sign a piece of paper for a wedding she hadn’t technically agreed to go to. Well, certainly not in two weeks. Darren being Darren, he soon had a “solution” to the problem. Jacqui wasn’t having any of it though but Rhys cleverly gave him the idea of using Cindy as his Nancy. Is this confusing everyone? Anyway, the basic point to remember is that you should never ask Cindy for any help because with Cindy there are no selfless acts and certainly no such thing as altruism. Since Cindy probably still loves Darren a bit because (a) who doesn’t (answer: literally no one), (b) her last marriages have hardly been a success and (c) now that she’s penniless Darren probably seems like a wonderful option, she agreed to commit a little bit of good old harmless fraud for him. Good old Cindy.

She was clearly the perfect candidate since she knows his favourite film (clearly the most important issue in any marriage) and she’s not averse to some illegal activity. And so, Darren and Cindy went to the registrar’s office, with Cindy sporting a wonderful (dreadful) Nancy-esque outfit,  to sign some marriage paper things –  something we never thought we’d see. Fortunately though the plan worked nicely and now Darren is allowed to marry Nancy (Or Cindy. Well, technically kind of Nancy.) Anyway, either way there’s going to be a wedding. Yay! A Valentines wedding in Hollyoaks – what could possibly go wrong?

Well, lets not forget that as much as we love Darren (a LOT) he’s also a bit of an idiot and he does have a tendency to mess things up a bit. Just when it was all coming together, Rhys had even found a DJ (oh dear), the devil lead Darren towards temptation. The devil in this case being Brendan in an absolutely delightfully beautiful coat.  After making Darren feel bad about his lack of invite to some brewery thing that Brendan, being Brendan, was obviously invited to, he told him to come with him so they could have a “lads’ night”. Since Brendan doesn’t have any friends apart from Cheryl, who doesn’t really count because she’s his sister, and Lynsey, who doesn’t really count because she’s Lynsey, I’m not entirely sure who else would be attending this “lads’ night”. Darren just couldn’t resist the invite to party with Double B however and gladly accepted. He wasn’t quite so glad when he discovered the drinks party whatever was in a casino. Because Darren is a GAMBLING ADDICT (this was made VERY clear this week) and so casinos are not the ideal location for him, as an addict, to be in.

Cindy, ensuring that she didn’t actually do anything nice for anyone else, managed to convince Darren that what Nancy would surely want is a big WAG-style wedding, a wedding which Darren‘s budget (although vastly increased by Jack who somehow just has what we can imagine is thousands of pounds lying around) wouldn’t quite stretch to. Casino drinks party, not enough money for wedding, capital produced by Jack.…. can you see where this is going? Yes, so could we. But, we were wrong. Fortunately(ish). It would have been nice to see Darren gamble Jack‘s money and end up with millions to spend on sandwiches from Price Slice for the reception in The Dog but obviously gambling is wrong and Channel 4 at 6.30pm is not the time to be saying otherwise. Darren couldn’t lose the money either though because the public outcry would be too extreme and the complaints would flood in. So instead, Darren bought the chips, went to the table and then remembered that he’s changed. Things are different now, his gambling days are over.

By the way he was acting the next day we could be forgiven for thinking he’d gambled all the money away but apparently his angst was merely due to the fear of having to tell Nancy he actually went into a casino. For a change Nancy, who has either actually become less uptight as a result of Darren‘s influence or was very drunk (the rum and raisin ice cream no doubt) was surprisingly calm about the whole thing. She realised that the important thing was that Darren had walked away, that he hadn’t gambled Jack‘s money and their future and that he’d changed.

Awww. Isn’t that lovely? Nancy‘s changed, Darren‘s changed, Cindy hasn’t changed, Jack somehow has some money and it’s all systems go for the wedding of the century. A wedding that will apparently rival Kate and Wills’. But since they didn’t have their reception in The Dog and the day wasn’t full of scandal as is de rigueur with all Hollyoaks weddings, there’s surely no competition.

It all kicked off when Carmel finally asked why she hadn’t been paid in about a billion years which seems pretty obvious considering there’s never anyone in the spa and she never does any actual work. Instead of paying Carmel though, Cindy went shopping (surprise surprise) and spent what little money she had on some cheap-looking expensive tat. Speaking of cheap, Myra was soon opening the letters Cindy had chosen to ignore and demanding spray tans she surely doesn’t need. Carmel was as shocked by Myra opening the final demands as Myra was by the knowledge that Cindy didn’t have a lot of money left. Actually she had no money left. Where most people would feel sympathy the other women of the village was absolutely thrilled to discover that Cindy had nothing. How the mighty fall.

While Cindy was “dealing with things” and Myra was barricading the doors to keep the bailiffs out, Nancy had “cleverly” tricked the rest of Hollyoaks’ “ladies” into spilling their innermost secrets over a bottle of cheap chardonnay and a packet of pork scratchings. Using the pretense of “book group” which was a strange choice considering I’m relatively sure the closest any of them have come to a book is Mitzeee‘s trashy kiss and tell penned by Nancy, she got them to reveal practically nothing, it’s clearly going to be a thrilling article for the Chester Herald.

Hearing about Carmel’s unfair dismissal Jacqui, who LOVES to get involved, dashed round to Cinergy to distract Carmel while Myra robbed face creams and the till in an attempt to get Carmel‘s seven weeks’ wages and some anti-aging help for herself. This rob-fest soon turned into Carmel‘s leaving do, although she didn’t “want to rip Cindy off”, quite hard to rip off the bankrupt and didn’t want to drink the vintage champagne which was “for important customers”. As Jacqui correctly pointed out there were no clients and so the “party” began. Mitzeee realised Nancy didn’t just want some girly time but had been recording their conversation, Carmel was called an airhead (if the cheap dress fits…..) Jacqui attacked Cindy and Cindy called the police who turned up in record time considering they’re entirely inefficient when murderers  are on the loose.

And so they were arrested, dragged down to the station, badly questioned, charged with nothing but left in a cell to sort out their differences. Which of course they didn’t. Mitzeee stressed about her lipstick and getting “papped” with no make-up on, lets be honest even the Chester Herald wouldn’t be interested in this. She then gave Cindy some business advice about something called “Cinergeee” with Cindy claiming they were nothing alike. Not quite true though. The girls slung insults around all night, with Jacqui reminding Cindy she didn’t have anything left and Cindy pulling the ultimate insult of “you slept with a murderer”. Which she kind of did. And knew about it. Then again, he may have been a murderer but he wasn’t about a hundred and three like Cindy‘s now-dead husband. The girly gossip got a bit awkward when Nancy said the best kiss of her life was Darren and Cindy tried not to give away the fact that she’s probably still in love with Darren. Especially now he has some money again.

Eventually the truth about Mitzeee knowing about Warren came out and she was criticised by all the others even though none of them did anything when Silas was parading around the village murdering young girls. Cheryl kicked off when it was revealed he had planned to kill Brendan, because obviously Double B is in the running for “brother of the year” and all the girls managed to agree on the fact that Warren isn’t overly nice and Mitzeee shouldn’t have kept his secret. Cindy was horrible, they all hated her again and Mitzeee basically admitted that her mother was a prostitute. Carmel finally stood up for herself and Cindy got called a witch for about the five hundredth time in twenty minutes. For once, Carmel was amazing. Instead of blonde, dim and comically stupid she made a wonderful speech, got a round of applause and ended the night on a high.

And so they’re all best friends. Well, not with Cindy which is understandable. Cheryl and Lynsey made up and they all left together happily with plans for brunch at Tony‘s (classy) arranged for the next day. And so the next day, with Cinergy boarded up, the girls met and coffee-ed and wine-ed and discussed New Years resolutions. Jacqui is finally going to start being a bit nicer to Rhys and stop banging on about Gilly, Cheryl is back off to Uni (well, HCC) to do a business course she should have probably done before she bought a business, Lynsey is going to try to get her job as a nurse back even though she was suspended for trying to murder a patient, Mitzeee is going to get a “real job” which will be interesting as she’s qualified to do nothing and Nancy is going to have more fun – something that’ll be hard for someone so uptight. And so there we have it – the girls’ New Years resolutions which I imagine will last about two episodes before Mitzeee starts trying to be a celebrity again, Lynsey realises she can’t be a nurse, Cheryl gives up on her course, Jacqui isn’t nice to Rhys and Nancy fails to do anything remotely fun.

Quotes

“Is something funny Cruella?” A fairly good description of Cindy from Mitzeee.

“I used to do a bit of modelling myself” No Myra, no you didn’t.

We hoped that’d be an end on it.  But the curse of Calvin lingered like dodgy incense.  First we had angry, vengeful Carmel.  Then we had creepy baby-stealing Carmel.  Then we had baby Kathleen Angel Valentine-McQueen narrowly escaping death in a lift shaft-related incident, and Carmel underwent a conversion.  She had a visitation from Calvin (WILL THIS MAN NEVER DIE???) who, unlikely as it seems, was in heaven, and discouraged her from sleeping with her own sisters’ Dad by bashing her over the head with some twigs (yes, really).  And she realised she must dedicate herself to God.  By becoming a nun.  Since then, it’s been one long round of nasty frocks and cardigans, inappropriate cleavage, and raising money for charity.  It was enough to make us turn to Satan.  Or to Brendan, anyway, which is close.  But recently, Carmel’s disposition to celibacy has been tested.

Father Francis appeared in the village from nowhere.  He was mostly naked.  She thought he was soliciting her.  All manner of hilarity ensued before he showed her his dog collar.  You know what happened next.  Carmel raised £24.70 for his African orphans doing a sponsored Zumbathon and a naked calendar featuring Hollyoaks’s hunkiest and spunkiest, but not, sadly, Brendan, which would have been worth it just to see his face and his choice of cover-up (Fit Boyz magazine, anyone?).  Carmel and the Father exchanged a couple of illicit smooches.  Then he snogged Cindy at a vulnerable moment, she wrote him a massive cheque, and he buggered off back to Kampala.

Except he didn’t.  Now, this hurts us, it does, but we have to come clean.  We never suspected a thing.  We just thought Francis was a drippy, slightly unconvincing priest with doubts about his missionary position.   Until we saw him in the airport looking superfly in a flash suit, heading for the departure gate for Las Vegas.  It was all a con, see?  Jeez, how much of an eejit do we feel?  What happened to our black, cynical heart?  We’ve been made to look like a right Carmel.

Now, Francis is back, driven by an urgent need for another satisfying donation from “model Christian” Cindy (currently channelling Alexis Carrington circa 1982), but with his conscience pricked by Carmel’s big blue eyes (the Krystal to Cindy’s Alexis) and her misguided determination to leave Casa McQueen and head for Uganda with him for a life of service and sexual frustration.   At least, as Theresa pointed out, she’d be able to get a real tan.  But hey mister, we’re wise to you now.  So for all those of you out there who, like us, let yourself get conned by the Oaks, we’ve had a rummage under the cassock, and we present to you:

The WLH guide to spotting a fake priest

1) Generally speaking, priests don’t look like this:

They look like this.

Or, if you’re CofE, they look like your auntie, and probably are.  You might want to remember that before you become a regular at Mass.

2) Priests don’t usually spend 99% of their time in the local spa getting a pedicure, massage, and a back, sack and crack wax.  Unless we are more out of touch with the ways of the Catholic Church than we thought.

3) Priests mostly don’t expose themselves to temptation by sitting in the hot tub and staring at your sexybits.  Though admittedly, Hollyoaks have got form on this, with Father Kieron Hobbs (RIP) letting Carmel’s own brother defrock him in the shower faster than you could say Holy Communion, so you can understand her confusion.  Basically, Father Francis is the new Kieron.  But less gay.  And less of a priest.  Which is a shame, because I’m sure it’s been a while since anyone heard Brendan’s confession, and he’ll be in need of solace right now.

4) Unless they are the late Father Liam Finnegan off Father Ted, priests are rarely proficient in Zumba, and they don’t spend the class on the front row, perving on your pink-leotarded ass.  Zumba is the devil’s work.

5) When you hand them a Swahili phrase book, try asking them this: Ni wewe tu baada ya fedha yangu?  If they look at you blankly, pound to a penny they’re a right kudanganya and a total haramu.

So there you go.  We do sort of feel for Carmel.  Sort of.  Like her, we have been too trusting and paid the price.  But we repent nothing.  We are a better, wiser person because of it.  And if falling for Fake Francis makes Carmel realise Her Calvin was a knucklehead, and it’s time to drop the grieving Sister Act, then we can tell you now, someone has been listening to our prayers.   Hallelujah!

But we’ll not be taken for a fool again, Hollyoaks.  Now go and say ten Hail Marys, bring Brendan back, and we’ll say no more about it.

Amen.

Of course, the opening sequence went through a major metamorphosis last september and was subsequently given a reboot for Inferno Week, but we think these new additions are particularly ambitious…

Look, it’s Dodger being molested on the set of the A little less conversation video:

After years in the wilderness Hollyoaks royalty Cindy is reinstated. The Dynasty-style chandelier and sweeping staircases nod to the upturn in her financial fortunes. Note how the staircases go nowhere. What could this represent? *strokes chin*:

In a sequence that is crying out for Freudian analysis, Ethan is dwarfed by a pair of woman’s legs and then glimpsed through a vagina-like set of handcuffs:

Dear god, there’s two of them. Imagine a world with two Rubys. The earth’s supply of Barry M’s ‘teenage slut’ lipstick would be severely depleted:

Doug. Yes. YES. Words cannot express how much we love that boy. Loving the Darren Osborne bumper sticker too – where can we get one?:

Foxy, now minus the hoodie and the trademark ‘shhh’, has been wedged into some executive office furniture. We assume Mitzeee is standing just out of shot, armed with a shoe horn in order lever him out again:

Note also how he is also trying to appear menacing. Sorry Foxy, but you haven’t been an effective menacer since 2009:

BEHOLD THE LIBERTYBOT IN ALL HER APOCALYPTIC GLORY. Her ethereal glow is clearly from the flames of Skynet’s first nuclear attack on mankind. The humans are dead AND ROBOTS RULE THE EARTH:

Mandy larking around what seems to be a morris dancing pole. At least ten times more interesting than anything she does in the actual show:

Here we see Pete at the exact same angle we would if he accosted us in the street. I’ll bite your kneecaps!…

Esther leaps out at us through a clothes rail. She of all people should know that this is neither big nor clever and could result in you being brained with a cricket bat:

A new one for Riley. The football is there to remind us, lest we forget, that HE IS A FOOTBALLER, but its geometric lines surely allude to his latent capacity for deep, intellectual thought:

Will has his glasses snatched by some aggressive existentialism:

Amy, looking considerably less mardy than she did in the last one.Then again so would we if we’d been out shopping instead of TAKING CARE OF OUR NEGLECTED CHILDREN:

A new Brendo, rightfully installed as the closing toitle. As much as we love the card ‘motif’ though we miss the tash stroke already:

Other stuff we noticed:

Since the unceremonious removal of Taylor Sharpe there is no longer anyone doing the traditional ‘Hollyoaks opening sequence point at the camera’. This saddens us; totally disappointed Silas isn’t there; gravelly voiced man-boy Finn O’Connor is no longer present; THERE IS NO JAMIL. We are weeping tears of blood about this. BLOOD.

Hi, how are you? It’s been tough without you and your daily Hollyoaks witticisms; it’s hard for us but we know it must be hard for you too. So here’s a little bit about what’s been happening while you’ve been away:

Mercy: Still lying (very) badly about the baby being Riley’s. Intuition tells me that it’s definitely not going to work out OK. Thanks for your message on this subject: ahh god bless Mercedes and her busy vagina. Where would we be without it?

Carmel: Has committed a sin by coming on to the priest. We don’t blame her though, As @lilyann4795 said on twitter: that priests fit int he.

Warren: Dodgy money, ‘up in yer face’ threatening conversations, hysterical long-haired women, bla bla bla. On asking WLH fans if they thought Warren would ever get caught: From @ScrumptiousSal: Not until he gets so fat that he can’t fit through Chez Chez’s doors, on his way out with the takings.

Brendan: No significant excitement for Brenders this week apart from getting in Warren’s way a bit, but who cares about that?  That doesn’t matter though does it, he’s still like, a total ledge. We’ve decided a ‘What would Brendan do?’ t-shirt would go down a treat. @chocB4dinner suggested with Stephen on the back.

Other ‘Oak’s craic:

Cindy: snarl pout whine snarl pout whine snarl pout whine snarl pout whine snarl pout whine

Jacqui: landed herself a job in the pub didn’t she– things are on the up! Or are they?

Riley: Having a butchers at football clubs in Madrid so he and Mercedes can raise ‘their’ child in Spain. Wonder whose suggestion that was?

I reckon that’s about it,

Send our love to Mr WLH. Tell him we’ve got your back so there better not be any funny business OK.

Lots of love,

WLH crew x

Amy

Amy returned from her Inferno Week-related exile. Did she choose to spend time with her neglected offspring? No! Of course she didn’t! Inexplicably given a job as a teaching assistant at Hollyoaks High she promptly buggered off on a school trip, once again leaving Lucas and Leah with Ste/Rae/whoever happens to be around at the time.  At one point she mentioned having “two kids to feed” which we think is the first time she has referred to them in about 2 years. All we can say to them is: good luck, kids.

Carmel

After all the drama over Angel Kathleen’s brush with death, Carmel magnanimously decided to forgive Theresa for murdering Calvin. SO THAT’S ALRIGHT THEN. We think she could have stuck to her vow of silence for longer. Maybe for about eight years.

Cindy

We’re glad she’s back. Even if she does resemble an ASOS Jessie J.

Diane O’Connor

She’s just mental isn’t she? Even during this quiet spell, when she isn’t stealing children, there is still a demented glint in her eye.

Look at her. Just look at her. *shivers*

Kathleen

When she wasn’t pimping out her own daughter’s internal organs, Kathleen was shitting her arse out thanks to a dodgy cup of tea. Put her in any scene and it’s automatically two thirds more entertaining. Fact. That she has been run out of town for said pimping incident makes us think yet more evil thoughts about Theresa. Come back, Kathleen. COME BACK!

Jacqui

Though it was soon forgotten about amid the liver harvesting hoohah, the most interesting thing about the did-he-or-didn’t-he Gilly/Jacqui rapey plot, aside from Jacqui’s glorious post-alleged-rape Human League eye makeup that is, was the various battle lines that were drawn as Hollyoaksers decided who they believed, a decision making process that was heavily influenced by the following:

• A familial bond (cue Mercy’s glorious hometruths attack on Gilly in Look Sharpe)
• Whether you have shagged either party (Tony and Cheryl)
• Sudden amnesia that has made you forget that Gilly has spent the past six months smashing up your house and battering various family members, and so you are now adamant he is a completely innocent Gandhi-esque peaceful type (Frankie)

As to what actually happened we are keeping an open mind and await the trial with baited breath and slightly clammy palms (BTW we think we would have made excellent rape trial jurors. We are not at all bitter that we haven’t been picked. NOT AT ALL)

Mercy

God, her arse is incredible isn’t it?

Rae

Rae. Thought you’d make a stand about Doug’s drug dealing activities by moving out of the Noah/Ethan/Doug Tardis in protest did you? How very noble. We’ve got to be honest though, your subsequent decision to do a bit of dealing yourself lost you the moral high ground somewhat. So pipe down in future.

Ruby

Though we had a crush on her in recent weeks, we’ve gone right off Ruby. She is one of those inexplicably cruel teens who appear in Hollyoaks every now and then to torment their peers and eventually have the error of their ways beaten into them via some kind of head trauma (see also Steph and Lauren). A dose of killer granddad ought to do the trick.

Sinead

Our notes about her read as follows:

Refs her not dead mum performs weird jailbait window cleaning sex dance.

Need we say more?

Theresa

So, after she was retrieved from a celestial afterlife (it seems that, like everyone else, God has forgiven Theresa for her murderous indiscretions) by a grumpy nurse wielding an empty syringe, she was soon embroiled in yet more drama. Turns out creepy melty face William is her dad (NO! Surely not! What were the chances of that?! etc) and in need of  her kidney (Theresa’s response: Aw, go on then. Help yourself!) though in actual fact it was for his secret daughter (Theresa’s response: Screw you bitch! I only offer my internal organs to sinister father figures who give me H Samuel tat in return for my body parts).

So she’s been the killer of Calvin,  the only witness to Foxy’s murder of a random, on/off/on mother of Angel Kathleen, one corner of the Ethan/fembot love triangle, victim/deserving recipient of Kyle Ryder’s quest for revenge and now owner of a much envied kidney…it is almost impossible to believe that there once were Hollyoaks storylines that didn’t involve Theresa McQueen. There were, right? We haven’t just imagined it?

Liberty

We are starting to really look forward to appearances by the Libertybot. We always end up wondering whether her nipples emit poisonous gas, or her hands can morph into deadly weapons (the answer being: OBVS)

Anyway, a while back we remarked on whether Broxy would resort to the old cling-film-over-the-toilet-seat in their homoerotic japery but it turns out Noah got there first during the oh-so-funny Noah/Ethan/Doug practical joke subplot. Little did he know that it would backfire so spectacularly, with Liberty herself being the one who ended up covered in piss. Two points on this: a) it’s lucky she didn’t short circuit and b) her cold, dead eyed fury was terrifying to behold. Those eyes. Those lifeless eyes!

Lynsey

So the ongoing sexual objectification of Lynsey reached its logical conclusion when she dressed as an Ann Summers nurse and hosted a live sex cam web chat to help HCC students wank themselves raw cope with medical and relationship issues. At least being subsequently throttled by Silas would have offered her an escape from endlessly having to put out in a hot tub/simulate a sex act with a hotdog/star in a weird hospital based sex fantasy/accept a cheap bottle of bubbly as reparation for mild sexual assault.

the merry wives of Silas

Despite often being found lurking nearby whenever there’s a young woman in peril or a carpet-wrapped corpse has been discovered in a ditch, old Silas has managed to build a loyal fanbase of fragrant Hollyoaks ladyfolk, namely former potential victims Nancy and Texas who were quick to jump to his defence when Lynsey quickly identified him as her attacker. Given that he resembles an evil, woman hating hedgehog we don’t get what they see in him, but then Nancy in particular has always had a soft spot for nutters.

Myra

Oh, Myra. We don’t know what we love  most – your failed attempt to bolster your ceramic dog collection via a random brand online auction site, or your gargantuan cup size. Let’s just say we love them both equally.

Morag

Mum of the year? Anyone?

Suzanne

That betch robbed us of a future where a semi naked Darren cradles babies, like a live action Athena poster. Huh.

quotes

“I’ve been a rubbish mum if you think about it” Er, we don’t have to think about it that much, Theresa.

“I just want him <Mal> to know I’ve not forgotten about him, I’m forgetting about me – the old me” do you have any idea what Mercy is going on about? Neither do we.

‘”Going with a McQueen…it’s meaningless” sisterly sentiment there from Frankie.

“Whatever happened to just having a conversation?” Amy, so well known for her witty bons mots and rapier wit, cusses the youth of today.

“How can you be so selfish?” Theresa fails to understand why Jacqui and Mercy may not want to give one of their internal organs to a stranger.

“What’s that one looking so chuffed about?” Mercy growls at Jamil when he gives her a wink. Mercy, you do remember you shagged him in Hollyoaks Later, don’t you?

“I’ve got a little girl and I’d give anything for her to have her daddy around and do all the things I never got to do with mine. But she never will and it breaks my heart” Theresa, you do remember that that it was you who murdered your little girl’s daddy, don’t you? YOU DO, DON’T YOU?? *blood vessels burst in our brain in several places*

“If anyone hears about this <getting covered in piss thanks to Noah>, I’m coming for you in your sleep” you know what, Liberty, we believe you *sleeps with a dog and arsenal of weapons by our bed for the rest of our lives. Viene tormenta*

A hangover kicking in and a bacon sandwich to tuck into – perfect conditions in which to catch the T4 omnibus…

Because she’s worth it

Love Amy’s new do!! It may be the by-product of spousal abuse but we think for once Ste has actually done her a favour.

The phantom menace

There is a pregnancy epidemic going on in the village at the moment (pretend or otherwise): the permanent argument that is the Tina-Jacqui-Tony-Dom-Russ surrogacy quintangle, Amy pretending to be pregnant to avoid any more beats from Ste and SHOCK HORROR the lovely Zoe being knocked up by the DILF.

Most half arsed attempt at forcing someone to go cold turkey EVER

Surely the Ashworth’s could have done a better job to get the increasingly pitiful Fletch off the smack? Why and how was the room green? And when did they board up the windows? And well done, Hannah, for letting him out – a smack in the chops was the least you deserved.

Fletch

Some key things about our favourite Pete Doherty wannabe:

Please lose the waistcoat Fletch, it makes you look like a twat!

His parents are still an enigma – his mum constantly on holiday; his dad barely glimpsed off screen as he threw Fletch’s belongings from a car…do they even exist?!?

Ravi

We do not like him!!! Enough of the blokey banter/football playing with Warren! We understand the need to involve the new character in the day to day goings on of the village – but we all know Warren doesn’t have any friends! Maybe they could have scowling/whispering contests instead

He is nasty to Nancy – leave her alone you pig!

He shagged and dumped Mercy. As if – she is so out his league!!

Grrr

Sign language lady

Different sign language lady than usual today. Nice purple blouse!

Nige!

Chester’s finest drug dealer made a rare appearance in the Monday episode. Clad in a rather fetching tracksuit, he loitered around the village getting up to all sorts of sinister things, like taunting Fletch about sleeping with Sasha, selling drugs to school kids and putting his feet on the table at Mobs. Nige – come back soon, we miss you already.

Return of the Max (‘s sister)

Hollyoaks’ original teenage mum Cindy Cunningham has returned to the village with daughter Holly in tow.

Why is she being so evil and trying to split up Max and Steph??

How prominent were her nipples in that tight beige top? Could put someone’s eye out with those love

Zack! We love you!

Zack once again proved what a little scouse sweetheart he is by offering the terminally luckless Zoe a shoulder to cry on. Awww! But then he stood up for himself when Zoe was once again treating him like a schmuck. Hooray! But then was sat on his own on the steps in the dark drinking beer. Boo hoo! Someone give this boy a girlfriend, he is cuter than a bag of kittens!

Niall vileness

He had a quiet week this week, no ODs, no relationship sabotaging… however Steph did finally tell him it wasn’t going to happen between the two of them. “I don’t take rejection very well” he said, ominously. If the spoilers in the Sunday papers are anything to go by, vile Niall isn’t going to take that rejection well at all….

Film student moments: 4

• Weird Fletch/Amy/Josh addict/liar/cheat thing
• Re-ee-wind thing with characters moving in reverse to Every Heartbeat by Robyn… liked the backwards Fletch!
• Crazy baby montage with Zoe
• Requiem for a dream homage/rip off for the big Fletch smackdown

Quotes:

Fletch was on a roll this week:

“Get your face out of my space” Fletch to Nige. Can see that one catching on.

“Luckiest man alive” Fletch’s description of Ste – really, Fletch? REALLY??!