hivfest ’08

After much skulking around in bedrooms, corridors and stairwells, staring ominously into the distance, Malachy finally revealed that he has the hiv. Now, WLH has a few questions about the potential hiv epidemic to sweep the village:

Mercy and Kris used protection. So surely two slagbags like Mercy and Malachy would have used protection too?

If they didn’t use protection, then surely Mercy would be on the pill? But if so then why did she have to take the morning after pill after her drunken fumble with Kris?

Perhaps the answer to this contraceptive conundrum is that Malachy’s poisoned seed is so powerful that no womb is safe?

Anyhoo, with Kris now up to speed with his potential hiv status, the only person still in the dark is poor Mercy, the Typhoid Mary of Hollyoaks. Uncharacteristically sweet and vulnerable, it didn’t take much for her to fall back into bed with Malachy, who seemed quite happy to give her another dose of the hiv. And they say romance is dead!

So, hivfest ’08 has begun. Team hiv needs you!

Kieron- the aftermath

After the high drama of last week, there wasn’t much in the way of follow-up to Kieron’s puke stained death. John Paul whimpered. Craig Dean fluttered his eyelashes. Vile Niall cried evil tears on Myra’s shoulder. Kieron has been removed from the opening sequence. Sob!

Justin WTF?

Seriously, what is the point of Justin? All he seems to do is waddle around the village being horrible to Leila even though she is so totally out of his league. He goes to student parties even though he is not a student, he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t have any real friends. He hasn’t even sent anyone to prison after falsely accusing them of child fiddlery. Rubbish!

Oh Mandy

Is it just us or is Mandy blatantly making play for an increasingly tubby Warren? White wine, flirty banter…what is she doing?! We would not want to cross Lady Macbeth, imagine the wine-fuelled fury!

Love latest

After bagging the woman of his dreams, science geek cutie pie Elliot finally realised that dating a wine-quaffing model isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Falling for the infinitely sweeter and prettier Hannah, Elliot dumped Sarah’s skinny ass. Elliot and Hannah – a match made in geek heaven!

Michaela’s comedy crush on the DILF continues and we think they actually make a rather sweet couple!

How cute are Nancy and Ravi!?

Gratuitous semi nudity

Calvin – semi naked ironing, naked and handcuffed in a dream sequence…Yum yum! Even Val couldn’t resist him and swooped in for a incest-tastic kiss. We do not blame her at all!

Carmel getting tangoed with some spray tan. Mmm dayglo!

Film student moment

A Scorsese-style round table debate in the entertainment officer election.

A double pre-wedding dream sequence for Calvin and Carmel. Calvin dreams he is in bed with Myra…eek!!

Quotes

“You know what you are Malachy Fisher? Sex on legs”, poor hivpit Mercy remains spectacularly ignorant of the fact that her shag buddy is an hiv-enabler.

A hangover kicking in and a bacon sandwich to tuck into – perfect conditions in which to catch the T4 omnibus…

Because she’s worth it

Love Amy’s new do!! It may be the by-product of spousal abuse but we think for once Ste has actually done her a favour.

The phantom menace

There is a pregnancy epidemic going on in the village at the moment (pretend or otherwise): the permanent argument that is the Tina-Jacqui-Tony-Dom-Russ surrogacy quintangle, Amy pretending to be pregnant to avoid any more beats from Ste and SHOCK HORROR the lovely Zoe being knocked up by the DILF.

Most half arsed attempt at forcing someone to go cold turkey EVER

Surely the Ashworth’s could have done a better job to get the increasingly pitiful Fletch off the smack? Why and how was the room green? And when did they board up the windows? And well done, Hannah, for letting him out – a smack in the chops was the least you deserved.

Fletch

Some key things about our favourite Pete Doherty wannabe:

Please lose the waistcoat Fletch, it makes you look like a twat!

His parents are still an enigma – his mum constantly on holiday; his dad barely glimpsed off screen as he threw Fletch’s belongings from a car…do they even exist?!?

Ravi

We do not like him!!! Enough of the blokey banter/football playing with Warren! We understand the need to involve the new character in the day to day goings on of the village – but we all know Warren doesn’t have any friends! Maybe they could have scowling/whispering contests instead

He is nasty to Nancy – leave her alone you pig!

He shagged and dumped Mercy. As if – she is so out his league!!

Grrr

Sign language lady

Different sign language lady than usual today. Nice purple blouse!

Nige!

Chester’s finest drug dealer made a rare appearance in the Monday episode. Clad in a rather fetching tracksuit, he loitered around the village getting up to all sorts of sinister things, like taunting Fletch about sleeping with Sasha, selling drugs to school kids and putting his feet on the table at Mobs. Nige – come back soon, we miss you already.

Return of the Max (‘s sister)

Hollyoaks’ original teenage mum Cindy Cunningham has returned to the village with daughter Holly in tow.

Why is she being so evil and trying to split up Max and Steph??

How prominent were her nipples in that tight beige top? Could put someone’s eye out with those love

Zack! We love you!

Zack once again proved what a little scouse sweetheart he is by offering the terminally luckless Zoe a shoulder to cry on. Awww! But then he stood up for himself when Zoe was once again treating him like a schmuck. Hooray! But then was sat on his own on the steps in the dark drinking beer. Boo hoo! Someone give this boy a girlfriend, he is cuter than a bag of kittens!

Niall vileness

He had a quiet week this week, no ODs, no relationship sabotaging… however Steph did finally tell him it wasn’t going to happen between the two of them. “I don’t take rejection very well” he said, ominously. If the spoilers in the Sunday papers are anything to go by, vile Niall isn’t going to take that rejection well at all….

Film student moments: 4

• Weird Fletch/Amy/Josh addict/liar/cheat thing
• Re-ee-wind thing with characters moving in reverse to Every Heartbeat by Robyn… liked the backwards Fletch!
• Crazy baby montage with Zoe
• Requiem for a dream homage/rip off for the big Fletch smackdown

Quotes:

Fletch was on a roll this week:

“Get your face out of my space” Fletch to Nige. Can see that one catching on.

“Luckiest man alive” Fletch’s description of Ste – really, Fletch? REALLY??!