Except, he didn’t. Remember how we agreed (I definitely remember you agreeing with me, through the computer screen) that Silas is just really, really terrible at what he does? Um, yeah, so he kind of builds on that notion, and indeed confirms it, by accidentally murdering his own daughter. Whoopsie! This is, clearly, the epitome of Silas’ double standards, because the man can do nothing but whimper like a little baby to the sound of children singing Nine Inch Nails’ “Underneath It All”  upon the realisation that he has just put an end to the life of a woman who had an extramarital affair with none other than a ratboy, rather than whooping and cheering with glee (which would be the expected reaction with any other victim). The only reason for this being that that particular woman was his own flesh and blood, but the mind of Silas is a strange place indeed, full of trauma, and terrifying images of women; women and their bodies! And unspeakable parts! And probably the original version of “Underneath It All” with its erratic drum machine and violent vocals! Oh the insanity! (This is a very accurate description of the mechanics of Silas’ mind, I’m sure).

So Hollyoaks is now down a Heidi Costello. And there was only one to begin with! A sad, sad day for us all. Heidi often oscillated between being cool and glamorous, and just utterly unreasonable (see: Jason). But for now, we shall remember her for her good features (i.e. not those features that involve sleeping with ratboys). The caring, non-judgemental mother, the hard working wife, the fashionable bar owner who had such good taste! We love you Heidi! And we will miss you!

But how fair things for the remaining, precious few Costellos? Dear, troubled Jason was the first on the scene, looking as always like a startled deer. Incapable detective Ethan goes to break the news to the other Costello children. Startled deer faces all around. Seems they’re contagious in times of emotional turmoil. Police are on the scene quickly with a search warrant (searching through the flat instead of searching for Silas. I wonder which detective is leading this extremely productive activity).

Meanwhile, the Costello kids are questioned, and they cry a bit, and then Mitzeee shows up and she’s crying too, and that means it’s only a matter of time before I’LL be crying. Gee, thanks a lot, Hollyoaks! Seth’s in denial about Silas being the killer, which he is, so stop being stupid Seth. Mitzeee says they have to stick together, and then Seth buggers off in a fit of rage (not unlike Riley’s Post-Wedding Rage, so I’ll just assume that’s hereditary). Still no sign of Carl! Nice to know he cares in these times of need.

Down on the street, people are having a little gather round, leaving flowers, discussing the hotness of Heidi, normal stuff. And dear old Seth, crying his little heart out, arrives on the scene.

Artful use of a car door reflection serves to distance the viewer from times of ultimate sadness and poor acting

Riley takes out his pain on Lynsey. I wish people would stop being mean to Lynsey! She might not have kept her cool on Halloween night (by running through the village screaming), but I must say she performs remarkably well when it comes to the smashing of urns! Because that’s what she does after the two search Silas’ room (after the police? They must’ve done a great job not to find that). That was a gutsy move! But what a mess. Poor Silas stumbles in with Mercy’s ring, and Riley and Lynsey discover that he’s been stashing Relics of Murder next to the remains of his slutty dead wife for months!

Commence more looks of startled deerness

Now the cat’s out of the bag. And the Costello twins appear abruptly, screeching and squawking like wild rabid birds. But we’re not interested in that. We’re interested in who’s afraid of Jason Costello. Answer: apparently Seth. According to Seth, it’s Jason’s fault that Heidi is dead. ‘What, it’s my fault that mum’s dead?’ Jason cries. Seth coldly replies ‘Yes.’ Oh dear, looks like Seth’s fallen prey to Dodger Logic or something of the sort because, if I recall correctly, the death of Heidi, a tragic event, appears to have been the culmination of a number of unfortunate factors, a bit like the sinking of Titanic. So saying that it’s all Jason’s fault is like saying the Titanic sank because of that jerk played by the hunter from Jumanji saying “go faster”, because duh, there were other factors as well! Like Captain Smith being too old to drive a ship! (You can “drive” a ship, right? I never know…) And that pesky iceberg! (I think that here, Carl sleeping with Mercy = the iceberg). He also says that Mercy deserves ‘everything she gets’, which is just a nice thing to say about someone. Especially if that person is chained to a wall about to give birth.

And then Pa Costello arrives and he makes everything worse like he always does. Apart from Jason doesn’t seem to care and runs into his father’s scheming, adulterous arms. Seth is unforgiving of Carl. He seems to be dealing with this significantly worst than Jason. Bravo Jason for keeping it together.

All the while, there’s a baby being born! This is all very dramatic, what with Carl showing up and there being drama. People from all over the village are showing up at Heidi’s Death Spot, leaving flowers. And Nancy, dearest Nancy, is beating herself up because she was Silas’ bestie the whole time, and she should have known.

Meanwhile, the Death Spot memorial grows. Even Jack and Frankie leave a fancy post-it note at the site.

I actually don't remember these people being that good friends with Heidi...

YOUR BIG SMILE

LIVES ON IN OUR

HEARTS.

Not exactly Shakespearean. And you don’t have to shout either, ‘JACK & FRANKIE’. Show some respect at a dead woman’s place of horrific murder.

Seth shows up and an argument ensues, because a bunch of kids were paying their respects (kids can be so cruel!). Seth and Jason go for Gaz this time. ‘Get lost, CHAV!’ shouts Seth. A highly accurate choice of words from someone who is usually so inarticulate (i.e. someone who pretty much looks like he’s about to start drooling because of a lack of brain cells). Ste, fresh out of the local Hitler Youth barber’s, can only watch in horror with Amy.

But Seth goes back for more, just as the trendy sixth formers are discussing the likelihood of more Costello family members being psychotic serial killers with mother issues (this is what it all goes back to, right? Silas has mother issues? I’m just going to pretend it’s mother issues for now). Bow-tie George apologises straight away, and even Maddie says she’s sorry (I know! Maddie!). But that’s not good enough for wee baby Seth, no it isn’t.

You’ve got to hand it to the sixth formers. Even after being yelled at by Seth, they still want to make things right after their little mishap. Maddie suggests chocolate, which would definitely have worked (nothing eases the crushing pain of bereavement than sugary confectionery), but they decide to go with something more special. ‘If we pull this off, the twins will never, ever doubt us again,’ says George victoriously. Brave, strong words if I ever heard them.

And those Super Kool Teenz orchestrate the bestest, most touching vigil you could possibly imagine. After Jason and Seth have a shouting match about the status of Carl on the forgiveness scale, Mitzeee hears a noise outside, and oh what a sight she does see. Everyone is there, Nancy holding a speech, Darren, Cheryl, Doug, Tony (Tony!), Ste and Amy, and myriad other familiar faces who haven’t had much screen time recently, bearing candles to signify that the light of those lost shines on in the hearts of those remaining.

It truly brings a tear to my heart

Heidi Costello is dead, may her (fictional) soul rest in peace.

Oh dear, my eyes appear to be leaking a wet substance…

Non-Rapist Gilly boldly returned to the village much to the shock of, well, everyone. I’m not sure anyone actually expected him to come back after that kerfuffle (kerfuffle = accusations of raping Jacqui, with a matching court case). This makes things very awkward indeed at the Osbourne house. Tom has finally started Big Boy School and will probably remain there for the next 15 years judging by his track record of decelerated ageing, possibly some sort of Benjamin Button thing, I don’t know. He’s eleven now, right? Whatever, main thing is HE WEARS A SCHOOL UNIFORM, which is a big step up from going to playschool or whatever it was that he was going to for the last ten years, and it indicates to us that Tom, at the very least, is old enough to go to school. Tom is totes chuffed to see Gilly again, because Tom probably doesn’t really understand the meaning of the words “rape” or “accusation” or “Jacqui was right”. Of course, here at WLH, we remain completely unbiased. And with that I mean that I believe that Gilly is a scumbag rapist, and besides, the pain Jacqui felt and the troubles that she and Rhys experienced in their relationship were REAL, therefore, why are you here Gilly?? Awkwardness around the dining table ensues. No one really wants Gilly there, except Tom. Poor, misguided, naive Tom.

Tom, walking to, I presume, school (because of the uniform, duh, but it’s entirely possible that Jack and Frankie just let him wear the uniform because it makes him feel grown up when really they’re just taking him back to playschool. Wouldn’t put it past them.) with Jack, witnesses a minor showdown in the street – Gilly & Cheryl vs. the omnipotent Racqui, Hollyoaks’ finest powercouple with issues. ‘Gilleh!’ shrieks Tom, unable to just mind his own business in affairs he does not understand. Jack and Tom shuffle along, but Tom cries ‘But what about Gilleh??’ when he’s carted off. What about Gilly? He sucks, that’s what.

Ruby and Esther don’t seem to be very comfortable with the living arrangements either. This is understandable seeing as Gilly decided it would be appropriate to traipse around the house in a towel, the shame of it! Very inappropriate. Frankie, Ruby, Esther and Gilly have a strained meal together whereby we discover that Tom’s going for his ten metre swimming badge next week. What a convenient topic of small talk Tom has become. I bet he’d be proud. This leads to an inconsequential discussion about swimming in pyjamas, oh and also the McQueen Onslaught, whereby Myra, Mercy and Carmel attempt to give Gilly his comeuppance (a firm talking to – just what he deserves!) but fail miserably and end up being arrested for giving someone a firm talking to, which is definitely something that people can get arrested for.

Gilly is on Tom duty later on and on the way to school they treat each other to a “fun” geography quiz. Gilly boasts that he can name the capital of any country but is stumped when Tom says Moldova, a country that has been independent for twenty years and there is no excuse for not knowing that Moldova exists. ‘I was always better at European geography, me,’ remarks Gilly, thinking he’s got this one in the bag. Thankfully, Tom lets him know that Moldova IS European. So I guess Tom is knowledgeable about something at least? At that moment, a silent extra acting as some yob off the street violently (not that violently) rams his way past Tom, nearly sending him flying! (He didn’t actually go flying but this is possibly the most interesting thing that has happened to Tom thus far this week, may as well milk it for what it’s worth, i.e. not a lot). Tom informs Gilly that they’re just Year 13s who are also bullies. Isn’t Year 13 Sixth Form level? Shouldn’t they be in super hip Sixth Form College for Cool Kids? And wouldn’t someone in Sixth Form, a non-compulsory part of education, be at least mature enough not to steamroll over an innocent child who may or may not have associations with a supposed rapist in broad daylight and in company of said supposed rapist? Teenagers of Hollyoaks are weird.

Tom returns home from school just in time to witness Darren paying disrespect to Gilly’s shirt (good!). But poor Tom has more pressing matters to deal with, namely the matter of being beaten up by bullies for living with a rapist. You’d have thought Frankie would be more responsible. She did, after all, manage to convince the authorities that she would be able to give a good home to two young girls in the shape of Ruby and Esther merely on Jack’s bar manager income in a giant mansion with about seven hundred other mouths to feed. But no, it’s all ‘Gilly stays’, ‘Gilly’s family’, ‘I love Gilly’, blah blah, never mind Tom getting the crap beaten out of him for nothing (again, his face didn’t actually look that bad but MY GOD HOW BORING THIS CHILD’S STORYLINE IS. Tom is inexplicably infatuated with Gilly! We get it!!).

Carry your wounds like medals of hope, Tom! Or, you know, don't...

Tom decided to take on the ‘Year 13 lads’ by himself when they were calling Gilly names (all of this happened off camera, probably so they could save on extras or something). Again with the very accurate Year 13s. Mrs Responsible Parent Frankie, of course, encourages this behaviour?! What is this?! Somebody call Childline, what happened to ‘turn the other cheek’ and all that?? Fortunately Nancy, who may have zero authority when it comes to anything in the Osbourne household but makes a good effort, puts her foot down, telling Frankie that Tom shouldn’t have to put up with the abuse. Nancy’s the best! ‘Gilly has to go!’ she exclaims at the convenient moment when Gilly, scowling as he does, enters the room. ‘What’s goin’ on?’ he asks stupidly, not knowing exactly what to make of a phrase like ‘Gilly has to go’, which can have so many meanings, such as ‘I’m not sure whether Gilly has to go’, ‘I am of no mind whether Gilly stays or goes’, and ‘I love Gilly’, duh, of course your reaction would be to ask what’s going on!

‘I were just stickin’ oop for ya!’ Tom explains to Gilly afterwards. Like Frankie, Gilly encourages Tom’s defiance of bullies and continues to infantilise Tom, telling him that ‘rapist’ is a ‘grown up’ word that those Year 13s don’t understand the meaning of. Good god his idea of seventeen-to-eighteen-year-olds is warped! I seem to recall dealing with the topic of rape in AS Psychology, and RE, and General Studies, and even the most pointless of subjects: Personal, Social & Health Education (that’s PSHE to you!), I’m pretty sure most Year 13s know full well the meaning of the word ‘rapist’. I mean, what else would they think it means? Like, gee, I dunno, rapist, could it possibly be synonymous with ‘tosser’ or ‘prat’? Let’s just use it as a general insult regardless of the serious connotations it may possess. Yes, I’m sure that’s exactly what teenagers these days are like. Furthermore, Gilly has to explain to Tom why ‘sorting out’ the yobs would be a bad idea. This is after he told Tom he was proud of Tom for sticking up for him and being beaten up, which if anything is sending poor Tom mixed messages: well done for provoking a violent attack from strangers, but shame on you for suggesting we provoke a violent attack from strangers. It wouldn’t surprise me if Tom had some sort of meltdown and ended up completely messed up with this level of ambivalence that he’s surrounded with. Not to mention all the childhood traumas he’s had to endure.

Gilly then tells Tom that he’s moving out. ‘Boot why!? The joodge said you did nothing wrong!’ exhorts Tom, because judges are Always Right. ‘Certain people can’t seem to get their head round that,’ replies Gilly, unaware that it is very rude to speak about people in the room (i.e. Nancy) as if they are not in the room. ‘Because they’re sad-os.’ Again, very tactful, very polite. Also, exactly the answer you’d give an eleven-year-old, not like ‘well, you see, Tom, rape is a tragic and complex phenomenon, and sometimes it’s hard to locate the fine line between rape and consensual sex. We may never know the full inner workings of Jacqui McQueen’s mind, but we know that she feels that I abused her, though there is an equal chance that she was mistaken in her judgement and this confusion is embodied in the very fact that onlookers know not whether I in fact raped Jacqui McQueen, as some believe I did, and some believe I did not, regardless of the judge’s verdict’. He does however promise that he’ll come and visit Tom. Poor Tom.

Gilly tearfully says goodbye to Tom and the others. Tom is crying. He can sense this won’t end well, he kind of has a Spidey Sense for tragedy, you see. We’ll see how this pans out for Tom. Hopefully he’s enlightened enough now to teach those youths the true meaning of the word ‘rapist’ next time (that it’s a grown up word and that they don’t understand it). I also hope he’ll make the step towards maturity in the form of knowing why some people don’t believe a judge’s verdict, and not believing it’s just because they’re ‘sad-os’. Time will tell.

Gilleh! Dohn't goh! (Except do, because you suck)

With Nancy busy being an ineffectual reporter/detective/girlfriend, Darren has been rather lonely of late, so lonely in fact that Jack invited him for a pint for the first time since Darren lost the family business in an ill-advised poker game with Foxy. Clearly Jack realises that Nancy is bloody difficult too.Well, he is married to Frankie. When Nancy’s not tied up fawning over Silas though, she’s become slightly more lovable tolerable, and we have Darren to thank. It has been said that opposites attract, nowhere more so than Hollyoaks where laws dictate that each character must have “relations” with at least four others, thus leading to some rather unlikely/horrible pairings (we’re looking at you, Rhys – remember Beth?!) but surprisingly (surprising in that I always imagined Darren would end up with someone a bit more like…… me) they go rather well.

It would seem that cheap 1950s slapper and turn-of-century boy-band are two styles that rather compliment each other. Although this is likely to do with the fact that Nancy’s change to vintage vixen is a massive improvement from badly-kholed goth and Darren has always had a tremendous sense of style. And was once actually in a boy-band (although for some reason he was called Ashley in that). Plus, they’ve each had their fair share of family tragedy:

- Becca (RIP), Jake (we all warned her), some kind of drama with Charlie who seems to still belong to Nancy (why?), the Kris-Ravi triangle (once again, she was warned that it would all end in tears)
- Steph (RIP), imprisonment for faking Jack’s death, lost The Dog in a  gambling match, got Jake banged up for murder, a failed marriage to the village anorexic,  a failed relationship with the village golddigger, twins with his friend’s mum…..

Yet though in normal (i.e. non-Hollyoaks) villages, such events would have gotten the better of even the most MacQueen-like of characters, Darren and Nancy have powered on and somehow their hatred towards each other became a sort of pseudo-hate, something we could possibly even call love. Will it last? Probably. Against all the odds. Darren doesn’t appear to have any life plans that don’t involve squeezing fruit, and Nancy’s career as a roving reporter is going about as well as Michaela’s ever did so their prospects don’t look good but no matter what, they’ve got each other. And that water bed.

So, the (paltry) two fatalities of Inferno Week got their send offs, each accruing two funerals each. Things of note:

Malachy was totally shafted. His official funeral in Oirland was, by all accounts, shit. His unofficial funeral, hosted by Mercy and Jacqui, resembled a sacrificial alter to the god of Lidl, complete with scented candles and some questionable looking french fancies.

Steph‘s funeral episode began with a montage of her best bits. This conveniently omitted her days as a bullying slagbag, her brush with serial killer-prompted death, her attempts at a shag and tell career, her epilepsy and, of course, her original nose.

Steph was held in such high esteem that everyone wanted to mourn her passing, everyone that is except her siblings Craig, Debbie and Jake, apparently none of whom were able to attend or even send a message of condolence to their bereaved mother. Curious.

So you’ve died an untimely yet ultimately more cost efficient death in a freak fire. Which of the following would you rather have as your send off?

Instead of the magnificent OTT camp fest planned by Lee, starring Cheryl, horse drawn hearses, fake unicorns, break dancers, gold plinths, Guy Candy crooning ‘You raise me up’, balloons featuring her face and free style rap, Steph was given a dour church service where Frankie wept into her poorly tethered breasts and Tom delivered a eugoogly that would be considered too mawkish  for a Hovis ad. WELL DONE GILLY.

The most highly anticipated film premiere since Step Up: 3D reached these shores, we finally got to see Steph‘s from-the-grave video. As predicted, it featured her singing, emoting on swings and generally BTMing spectacularly. Though officially our fave bit was the homage to old school Darren, complete with day glo string vest and sharp white jacket (sob!), we couldn’t help LOLing when it was revealed that whilst she’d found time to make videos for her step dad and step brother, her husband of barely a month, her cursed ward and the “best friend that I’ve ever had” (Cheryl. Really?) , she had neglected to make one for her own mother. Frankie, you been served.

flashback to the future

So, when he wasn’t off having strange encounters in sex dungeons, the whisperer was finally explaining how meeting the business end of an angry ceiling mirror didn’t actually kill him like everyone thought it did and minor factors such as logic and credibility would suggest.

In what started as a game of ‘throw the chav off the arch’ (or position of the fortnight, depending on how much you want to gross yourself out), Warren recounted to Theresa how he escaped death via Hollyoaks fave narrative devices: the flashback and the voiceover. Because we haven’t had enough of those this year.

Anyway, turns out the body found in The Loft was that of Dale Greer, a traumatised war veteran who conveniently showed up in the village in time to provide Warren with a stranger who he could befriend and then murder in a manner that in no way affected his behaviour at the time. HOW LUCKY IS THAT?

Even more lucky was that even though the body found in The Loft was so badly burnt that, according to Warren, it was unrecognisable, Chester PD didn’t bother with checking things like dental records and instead got Sasha to confirm the identity of the charred corpse.

Plus, given that she witnessed Warren‘s disposal of Dale’s body (and thus crowbarred her into this storyline), Theresa managed to keep this information to herself for over a year, despite apparently being incapable of not telling people she killed Calvin. WHAT WERE THE CHANCES?

Anyway, the flashback gave Warren the opportunity to swing from anxious night club owner to romancer of school girls to shouty soot covered murderer in as many scenes.

What we also liked was the use of real flashbacks from last year’s episodes, featuring a Warren who was at least 17% thinner than he is now, leading to amusing weight fluctuations throughout. We also hadn’t noticed back then that thinner Warren seemed to like his eyeliner. Emo Whisperer? Yes.

And so what next?

Who is sending him the texts? Could it be Claire (since it’s usually her, and we were treated to a lingering close up of her abandoned red stiletto)? Could it be Louise (we still cannot accept that she is dead)? Let’s face it, given the WTFness of this storyline it could be just about anybody. Our money’s on the wall.

baby baby

Can we just say how much we love Diane? She is fucking MENTAL. We predicted back in Inferno Week that she’d try and get her barren hands on Amber’s underage bun and sure enough, approximately 18 hours into the Sharpe’s ill advised residency at the O’Connors she was talking Amber into giving her the baby. Amber, a word of advice: it might all seem very nice now, but imagine having your legs in stirrups while that crazed woman stares expectantly up your vagina.

Who’ll be smiling smugly then eh? EH?

Amber isn’t thinking of such things. She is too busy framing that eejit Rob as the babydaddy and generally just being a DEVIL CHILD.

Note that once again, it is Sinead who is the voice of reason, the first to call the epically inappropriate advice being offered by both of her parents and the first to spot Diane’s baby aquisition plan. Can’t decide whether we like her yet. She’s just a bit…shrill.

latest quasi incestuous costello family drama

Jem’s plan to frame Carl backfired spectacularly when the bait, Mitzeee, ended up shagging unhappy spider monkey Liam instead. Cue Mitzeee’s priceless ‘oops’ face and Jem flouncing off to LONDON (read: culled).

One of his children escaping his influence and tracking devices? Papa Fritzl was not happy, however his attention was soon diverted by Riley‘s choice of love interest.

Yes, in what must be the shortest period of mourning in history, Mercy has decided the best way of getting over Malachy‘s untimely demise is to hop aboard the nearest footballer. Though she admirably/inexplicably didn’t shag Riley, we reckon it’s only a matter of time before this happens and when it does it will be like a scene from Species.

Never one to not take an unhealthy interest in his offspring’s sex life, Carl was immediately in there, declaring that Mrs Fisher was not good enough for his boy (“once a tart always a tart” etc).

Of course, we all know what he’s really up to. What he really wants is a bit of Mercy for himself, not Riley. Or maybe at the same time as Riley. Or maybe just Riley.

Though Mercy was unenthusiastic at the prospect (“in your dreams, Carlos”), as it is a law of the Hollyverse that all men must at some point shag a McQueen then we recks this icky triangle is guaranteed.

dance magic dance

Mercy wasn’t the only one who wasn’t going to let a dead spouse stop them from doing what they do best.  Gilly – officially A CHUMP according to you, lovely WLH readers – continued on his mission to be the least sympathetic widower ever. Not only declaring that Steph had uncharacteristically opted for the dour church service as her funeral (we couldn’t find any footage of this, we checked), he continued to think that yelling “my wife is dead!” was adequate justification for roughing up women, teenage boys and old men.

Happily, patience with this swaggering bully (who has always reminded us of one the sinister flamable creatures who assault Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth) is in short supply and he was duly shut down by Jack, Tom and of course Frankie, who once again invoked the memory of Max in order to guilt trip him (“my daughter was dying. WHERE WERE YOU? Max would have saved her”. Hmmm we question the veracity of this. Max’s acts of heroism were generally doomed to failure – he died saving Tom afterall – so we suspect any attempt to rescue Steph would have resulted in the death of not only Steph, but only himself, the rest of the village and maybe even the world. Not Tom though)

Anyway, Gilly = TWAT.

standing moodily update

The standing moodily spot featured heavily in the flashback. A spot of many uses, it revealed itself to also be a place to dispose of incriminating evidence and a place for doomed plot fodder to hide.

cat tongue watch

This week’s Hollyoakser to leave their tongue sticking out was Taylor as he perved over Sinead doing a spot of jailbait dancing. Wrong in many, many ways.

in other news

We discover that, despite our thoughts to the contrary, Warren has been residing in a dodgy bedsit complete with floral wall paper and “vintage” wall art. Not quite the lair of a super criminal but we can roll with it.

Jacqui decides that her minge height PVC “lady of the night” boots were appropriate footwear for Steph’s funeral. And she is right.

There’s  a totally unwarranted gag about Taylor interrupting Tony having a shit.

quotes

“Steph ya left through death, no more breath….” Lee free styles.

“I hope my first time’s as good” MYEARS as Sinead unwittingly discusses Amber’s underage shaggage of her baby bro.

“Can I ask you something, Carl? Is it hard?…Once you’ve been famous I mean” Hollyoaks continues to gross us out, this time with this ‘saucy’ banter from Mercy.

“I lost my first wife to that sickness” Jack attempts to relate to Gilly by confusing the hell out us. Wasn’t his first wife Darren’s mum? Who, as far as we know, didn’t die from cancer? Does he mean his second wife Jill, who, as far as we know, died from a brain tumour? Or is he referring to a hitherto unmentioned wife? HOW MANY WIVES HAS HE HAD???

“Yeah but…she wasn’t in her right mind then” baffling presumption that Diane actually has a mind, as Rob tries to explain her recent baby stealing

There seems to be a formula for Hollyoaks mysteries these days:

gripping premise (missing child, wedding dancefloor death, exploding restaurant)

+

many MANY flashbacks

+

red herrings (Jake, Malachy, Mandy, Brendan, Tony)

+

plot development involving a mobile phone

+

a McQueen (Theresa, Bart)

=

massively underwhelming reveal

Indeed, Warren‘s rise from the dead seems to be following this recipe. Let’s hope it delivers something better than Dom weeping in Relish for half an hour because Tony thought he was a nonce.

Though we are being unfair. There was much to enjoy about the Inferno Week denouement. There was a marvellous scene between Dom and Brendan (more on that in our forthcoming Brendan watch). There was the reappearance of Dom’s one eyed blinking (once again thanks to @Gemba247 for alerting us to this).

There was the magificent display of dual Hutchinson fraternal brow furrowing as the police arrived. Look at it. Just look:

It also gave us a glimpse of the rarely seen GRAAAA Tony as he unleashed righteous browed fury on Bart’s scally ass. We like GRAAA Tony. (p.s love the baffled random woman in the background):

p.s why did Dom neglect to tell Tony about Warren? Presumably having fessed up to torching half the village he felt that admitting he’d been discussing arson with a dead gangster might not help matters. “Please officer, a dead man told me to do it” Warren crowed later, doing a killer Dom impression. Quite.

More Inferno Week aftermath occurred in the form a memorial service for the IW victims (all two of them. Huh) held, for reasons unknown, on the pointless jetty outside The Dog. This of course allowed for some fabulous standing moodily by Mercy and by the random vicar drafted in to do the service, who, as you can see in the picture below, decided to show up a good hour and a half before everyone else to perfect his clergical moody stance:

Our fave bit was when Amber was inexplicably given the honour of doing the reading. Yes, Amber, the pramface sociopath with all the compassion of an ingrown toenail.

a view to a cull

We can assume Dom is now out the picture, destined to be sent daaan and never seen again (a la Lydia, Gaz and – sob – Kyle Ryder). Also leaving this week in what is turning out to be the least bloodthirsty cull ever, was Ravi who was promptly dispatched to Middlesbrough courtesy of his dodgy noggin. Cue a rather sweet goodbye between him and Neets. Not so much with Eva who effectively told him to do one because she couldn’t be arsed to look after him (though not without touching him up first. Love her)

So to summarise, in the past we’ve had characters leave by sabotaged parachutes and falling masonry. Now they head to a minimum security wing or the North East. Wonder what spectacular exit will occur next?

bad dad strikes again

The dad you voted the worst in Hollyoaks had a fabulous week. Reacting none to kindly to being suspected of arson, Phil turned his back on what turned out to be family franchise number 2 (we felt a strange triumph when Gabby discovered she had been the ‘other’ woman). He shouted a lot. He wore knitwear. If Amber thought telling him about her pregnancy would get him to stay then she was Sadly Mistaken.

We hope he comes back. We’ll miss his scary face and dodgy parenting.

As a result of the above, Arlo, the thumb with hair, returned to whinge to Taylor about being his brother. You know, referencing the scene where Taylor let Phil’s metaphorical 2nd family-shaped cat out the bag. You know, the scene we were not privy too. *starts to glow with rage*

can you keep a secret? er, no

Brendan must be regretting his choice of secret boy lover. After telling Amy, Rae and Macca about their hot, hairy and occasionally violent affair, Ste now decided to tell Dom. Presumably he is going to announce it in the Chester Herald next.

He also experienced his first trip to a gay bar ( “it looks dead normal dunt it?”) and first boy kiss that didn’t result in hospitalisation, both courtesy of Macca. There was also yet another mention of the boy he fancied in prison. You just know this boy is going to show up at some point.

Btw, now that Brendan has been cleared of any Inferno Week wrong doing, can we have Stendan back pretty please?

There will, of course, be more Brendan news in our forthcoming Brendan watch.

Costell-oh for fuck’s sake

Yep, the Costellos were right up in our faces this week with a two pronged storyline attack.

The first involved Jasmine’s coming out as Jason to big sis Jem, whose first response was to question the role of Jason’s trademark woolly hat. Yes, she had the AUDACITY to suggest that hiding ones hair under a hat is not sufficient to disguise oneself as a boy. Clearly all that pouting restricts the bloodflow to her brain.

Anyway, the elder Costello daughter’s second response was to identify Carl as the main barrier to Jasmine’s future happiness as a fella, which she illustrated via a bizarre dream sequence involving Heidi weeping, Carl shouting and Jason sporting a very questionable haircut. Indeed, further questioning of the runner up in the Hollyoaks bad dad contest revealed that even Jasmine’s choice sporting pursuits would be limited (see below).

Something had to be done.

So it’s lucky that unhappy spider monkey Liam returned to wreak revenge on Carl for the failure of his first attempt to wreak revenge on Carl. Jem decided she wanted a piece of that. “You shall have you revenge” she gravely assured him with mad starey eyes, though not before Carl managed to catch them both plotting. Seriously, does he have some sort of tracking device implanted on his daughters?

Luckily, Jem was a gal with a plan. A plan involving Mitzeee (hooray! All the best plans do) “I want you to sleep with my father!” she trilled, offering her foxy cuz a grand. The most incestfesty thing to happen yet in a family that is rife with inappropriate sexual tension. Can’t wait to see what happens next! (and we mean this almost completely sincerely)

MYEYES

Carl’s perv face as he checks out Mitzeee’s arse (though to be fair who can blame him?)

miow

Brendan started the trend. Last week Warren jumped on the bandwagon. This week it was Mitzeee’s turn to leave her tongue sticking out like a cat:

random brand watch

Ste and Macca enjoy some Weisbrau on their gay afternoon out. As it was in a gay bar, they obviously drank fancy bottled Weisbrau, none of this canned stuff.

in other news

Two epically dull worlds collide -  the Sharpes and Tony are now living with the O’Connors. Is it the thinking that by combining them a family that is even 70% interesting will be created? That said, can’t wait until empty wombed Diane discovers the baby a-brewing in demonic child-woman Amber. There will be blood.

Great. Riley is out of hospital. *ironic three cheers*

Can anyone explain to us what has happened to the flat above The Dog? Since its Alfonse-inspired makeover it appears to be a completely different abode to the place the Osbornes and Ashworths used to live, doors appearing in all sorts of new places and apparently no kitchen.

Can they also explain where Amy is? Has she left? Is she still in hospital? Eh? etc.

Lee is forming a boyband. Hurrah! Though hasn’t this been done before?

GILLY TOSSER – we found this in our notes from the week. Don’t know what it  related to, but we’re sure it was justified.

Having rid himself of Steph, Tom now has his beady eyes on Jack, he of the dodgy ticker. Note how Tom insisted they play unhealthy amounts of football. Also note how Tom claimed to be disturbed by Gilly’s ongoing violent outbursts (yeah, right) and thus giving Jack the stressful responsibility of shielding him from said scally rage.  If Jack’s angina pills go “missing” soon do not be surprised.

Our love is not shallow Lee will Hunter you down with cupid’s bow and arrow – after the glorious Love is a Minefield, Lee tries his hand at poetry in an attempt to woo back Amy.

Leanne continues to grow in our affections, pulling out all of the stops to claw back Lee, including preparing a 3 course meal (of steak pie, fish cakes and sticky toffee pudding), Facebook sabotage and  spot-on impressions of Amy whinging. May the best woman win.

YAWN. Warren emerges from behind a hedge to menace Theresa with some close talking. A scene we’ve endured AT LEAST THREE TIMES BEFORE.

Not since the days of the frame-Mad-Jake-scheme has Frankie had such a good excuse to march around the village shouting at people, which is she why she is embracing the Steph’s death blame throwing with such gusto.  Having previously, used the “Where were you while my daughter was dying? WHERE WERE YOU?” line on Gilly, she now unleashed it on Tony, with an added “TELL ME YOU DIDN’T DO IT!” “I DIDN’T!” “TELL ME YOU DIDN’T DO IT!” “I DIDN’T!” (repeat ad nauseum). Like mother like daughter, she is going to be BTMing this one for a loooong time.

quotes

“I want im to face up to what he’s done” pursuit of justice + lack of irony as Mercy tries to get Bart to fess up to bullying Dom. From someone who helped cover up a murder and allowed at least one innocent man to be jailed for it instead.

“Did you fancy Brendan when you first saw him?” Macca to Ste, a question we probably have all asked ourselves at point or another (the answer being: yes, but little did we know how this would blossom into such all consuming love)

“No daughter of mine is playing a man’s game” enlightened thinking from Carl, which translates into him not wanting a daughter who is A) a lesbian or B) a rugby player

“This is what ‘appens when you play with fire, Manday…fingers….get burnt” oh, Warren. How we love your metaphorical-yet-apt portentous-yet-crap statements.

That’s all for now. Brendan watch – coming soon…

All by myself…

Poor Bambi is feeling sorry for himself, abandoned by John Paul, unwelcome at The Dog, in the dark about the Jack’s fake death scheme and nothing more than a comedy anecdote to ex Sarah. He spent the episode mooching around the village, fluttering those eyelashes. Poor lamb!

A day in the life of his Vileness

Where do we start?  Still clad in his sinister leather jacket he offered his support to a confused John Paul. Then he was joined in Evissa by an even more confused Steph, who seemed to be after a bit of pickmeup sex but then fled when he tried to comfort her. Steph – not wise to prick tease a psychopath, pet. Anyhoo, understandably vexed but not one to dwell on this, Niall turned his attentions to further sabotaging baby bro John Paul’s love life by deleting a voicemail from Bambi and delaying their reunion by insisting on them spending some quality time together.

Understandably, spending time with John Paul only enraged the Vile one further, especially when JP revealed he was thinking of doing a runner with Bambi. How rude! As Niall went to all that effort to kill his ‘beloved’, John Paul could at least have the courtesy to grieve for several thousand years. But no, Bambi is JP’s LOML and Vile Niall is not happy about it. Scary snarling rottweiler not happy about it. Infact he is so not happy about it that he has reached for the pills and the random brand beer…eeek!!

In other news…

Sarah sports a weird gold coat/bag combo.

Poor Amy, more vulnerable than a basket full of baby bunnies, admits to the DILF that the Ste-shaped bun in her oven is younger than she told him, due to anti-beats lies she told Ste.

Michaela does a funny rodent impression of Ste.

OMG moment

Vile Niall begins to poison John Paul with spiked random brand beer!!!

Quotes

“It’s like when I mess up on the decks…there’s always tomorrow night” John Paul blithely analogises his relationship with Kieron. No wonder Vile Niall wants to kill him dead. We feel like giving him a hand!

The merry widow

Okay Steph, it might have been a bit of a shock to find out that Jack was still alive, but how’s about you pack in the ‘You cheated meh!’ guilt tripping of Frankie etc? You are hardly the grieving widow – it certainly didn’t take much for you to jump into bed with Niall and use him for a bit of pickmeup sex. Slut!

Ratboy shagfest

It was like mating season at a rodent-peacock-hybrid farm as John Paul and Craig preened and pouted at one another. Despite Craig’s admission that he still can’t decide whether he was a closet dweller or not (he’d had a girlf for 6 months at uni), all he had to do was flutter his Bambi-like eyelashes at John Paul (or rather, barge into the McQueens’ like a creepy rapist man) and it was shagsoclock. So while Kieron was dying a puke stained death, his beloved was indulging in some illicit nookie. Shame on you John Paul!

Further McQueen love dramas

While their bro was boffing ratboys, his sisters were undergoing various other love conundrums – Mercedes being ditched by Malachy despite being a total hottie (check out her ass in that little dress!), Michaela’s comedy crush on the DILF being mistaken for a crush on Zoe thanks to a misplaced loveletter and poor Jacqui pining over baby Max and her barren womb. What’s a girl to do?

Quotes:

It’s a McQueen edition…

“Craig’s got like a prune face” Michaela on why John Paul was better off with Kieron.

“John Paul – grow up!”, Myra tells it like it is, before taking his breakfast off him and giving it to Michaela as punishment for leaving Kieron.

“Go check the fridge for me babe”, Mercedes enlists Malachy in the search for her lost knickers. Mmm classy!

“You are quite butch” John Paul in response to Michaela asking if she looks gay. At least one of you is, mate!

En route, we stumbled into a giant mess of papparazos, big black cars with tinted windows, and you guessed it – celebrities. They were all gathering at the Royal Opera House for the GQ Men of the Year Awards. We were in celebrity heaven and here’s who we saw!

Lily Allen, Gordon Ramsay, Tess Daly, Rob Brydon, The Killers, Dave Grohl, Kirsty Gallagher, Thandie Newton, Denise van Outen, Ruth Jones, Alan Carr and Carol Vorderman (who arrived together), James Nesbitt, Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, Seb Coe, Tony Bennett, Steve Cougan, Tracy Emin, Will Young, Keane, Marc Ronson and Daisy Lowe (together) and to top it all off, some Olympic gold medallists.

As awe-struck and omg-squared as we were, we couldn’t help but wonder: Where were the men from the ‘Oaks? Were they not invited on purpose? Who was behind this vicious snub?

Rather than dwell too long on this what-has-to-have-been-accidental oversight, we decided to create our own GQ Men of Hollyoaks Awards. Here are the esteemed winners:

International man: Elliot’s dad (he’s in outer space)

Politician: Warren (for whispering manipulation of everyone around him)

Sportsman: Ravi (for being the new boxer in the opening credits, and his massive guns)

Maverick: Niall (for being a loner who commits acts of inexplicable cruelty)

Comedian: Danny (for his too-short-lived stand-up career)

Lifetime achievement: Jack (for being alive when everyone thought he was dead)

Woman: Kris (for being the best tranny in the village)

Inspiration: Elliot (for bagging the model of his dreams)

Chef: Dom (for his wacky recipes at Il Gnosh)

Band: The Baby Diegos (for their hit single)

Actor: Calvin (for pretending to be a champion of justice whilst also being a murderer and drug enabler)

Most stylish man: Darren (for the mesh-vest and flowery shirt combo)

Designer: Ste (for styling Amy with that foxy new bob)

TV personality: Newt (for video reporting his descent into madness)

Writer: Josh (for his beautiful lyrics about Amy)

Breakthrough talent: Fletch (for surprising us all and becoming the next Pete Doherty)

WLH editor’s special award: Kieron (for chucking in his faith for some good old fashioned buggery)

Entrepreneur: Justin (for trafficking stolen goods and sending Leila to prison for it)

Visionary: Eli (for not being real – he was just a vision)

Their eyes met over a crowded smoothie shop…

We all know John Paul has a penchant for a love triangle (him-Kieron-God being his latest), so he must have been overjoyed by the return of Craig – fellow ratboy and his first love. Craig, for his part, was just as happy to see his ex-boyf and his mother and sister’s fake/real bereavements and his brother’s madness/incarceration were far from his mind. Poor Kieron was forgotten too – his wedding dreams in tatters. “He’s too good for me” is how John Paul described him to Craig – you’re not wrong ratboy, run away Kieron!

Michaela 4 the DILF IDST

Michaela’s banter with Barnsey has developed into a full on crush -not that we blame her, how buff was the DILF when he got out of the shower?! Still, cue comedy voice overs (see quotes below) and giving Zoe evils. Michaela V Zoe? Our money is on the mini McQueen!

Unleash the rage…

Vile Niall was having a good day. Steph was dropping by for a romantic lunch and he was daydreaming about adopting penguins for Tom. Luckily for us, Steph legged it and Vile has gone into a teeth gnashing meltdown. Bring it on!

Film student moment

Portentous voiceover from Tom.

OMG moments

So many!

Craig returns!

Steph catches Jack being alive!

Kieron catches John Paul and Craig hugging it up!

Jack has a heart attack!

Quotes

“I want to lick your face!”, Michaela about the DILF. Don’t we all!

“You’re the crazy one, the kids will be more scared of you than you will be of them”, Darren makes Newt feel better about his first day back at school.

“You’ll finally get a natural tan”, Darren turns on the charm in an effort to convince Frankie to emigrate with Jack.

And we sadly don’t have a transcript of Darren’s inspired chat to John Paul and Craig, which somehow managed to incorporate tempting Catholic priests and colonic irrigation.

What’s that banging about upstairs at The Dog? A cat? A burglar? Baby Charlie knocking over his mountain of shoes? Shocking, none of these things – it was infact Jackcrawling around the kitchen floor. How did he manage to get into the flat without Frankie or Darren seeing him? Has he developed some kind of Dracula-like ability to turn into mist and seep under the door? However he managed it, life after death doesn’t seem to be agreeing with him. Darren’s solution? Live in the attic of course!

Quotes

Darren: “What’s the latest for the goth on the street?”

Newt: “I’m not a goth”

Frankie: “He’s an emo” – the Osbornes discuss the finer points of teenage counterculture.