We’ve already established that Doug is a walking maelstrom of mood swings. He’s had it tough, from purposely dealing his friend drugs, to having to pretend to be a nudist, to losing his estranged girlfriend just moments after being reunited, as well as being robbed of all his clothes by none other than Darren. That must all suck! And sure, it’s a bit of a stretch that Hollyoaks expects us to mourn a dead character who was basically retconned into someone’s past (much like most of Warren’s backstory circa late 2010) and we subsequently have little to no emotional investment in said character. But Bex/Jenny/whatever was real to Doug! They had a beautiful and timeless love, I’m sure – we just never got to see it! So for the time being, Doug is sad. Sad because this is the first Christmas since Bex’s (that’s the name I’m going with for now, even though for all I care her name might be Geraldine) death. In fact, Doug’s been so sad recently that it’s alarming and franky despicable that the people of Hollyoaks haven’t yet enforced Hug-A-Doug Day. Shameful.

Interestingly (I say that, but really I mean “pathetically”), Doug decides to isolate himself from his friends and flatmates by lying to them about how he’s going to be spending Christmas with his parents (even though he phoned them to tell them he won’t be seeing them this year, presumably because they’re both as moody as he is, and Doug x3 WOULD be a nightmare! Phew! Got out of that one pretty close.). But Hollyoaks is a dreary place in December, and Christmas is a bad time to be alone, by choice, when you know that Riley and Seth, who practically have no parents and might be looking for some company on this lowly night, are around the corner. So dear, depressed Doug carries himself to some bridge nearby, Bex photo in hand, children’s choir’s rendition of U2’s “With or Without You” in his ear, and takes one last step. Into the river. If that doesn’t bring a tear to your heart, then your heart must be missing some vital tear-inducing component.

But wait, that’s not all! It seems that dear Douglas has been temporarily resurrected Jimmy Stewart-style into an alternate universe! Which really is great because James Stewart every Christmas gets boring after about a million years of It’s A Wonderful Life being repeated every year even though everyone’s seen it fifty thousand times (except me. I’ve only seen it once. And that was quite enough). And you’ll never guess who guides him through his vision quest. I must admit, the info button on my remote’s description of ‘an angel from Hollyoaks’ past’ initially made me think of Kris, the cross-dressing Irishman who often wore a tutu, but I guess the actual person they used was better. That being none other than Steph! Never mind that Doug never even knew Steph. Kind of a poor choice of emotional anchor when embarking on a vision quest. Quick Steph, go give Gilly a good kicking instead!

So Hollyoaks pretty much does the whole It’s A Wonderful Life thing by the book, with Steph showing Doug what Hollyoaks would be like if he’d never arrived. Also Steph has magical powers of teleportation! Very cool. Doug thinks that everything bad is his fault, like Bex dying. Not exactly accurate, because as we know, Bex died because she was a slut. Steph gets Doug to pull himself together for about fifteen minutes and lets him take a look at what Hollyoaks is like minus one Doug and the rules are that no one knows him, apart from Bex knows him for some reason that is probably very logical. Also, in this version of Hollyoaks, Doug is stalked by the children’s choir that sent him off that bridge in the first place, this time with their rather splendid cover of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters”, a touching rock ballad if ever there was one. Also, Hollyoaks seems to have hit a goldmine with that children’s choir, who can provide a solemn down-tempo version of a popular hit for every occasion imaginable!

Doug, still soaking, has a confrontation with Bex, who tells him it’s been two years and also what’s up with the wetness, which Doug manages to convince her was because of a ‘baptism’. Irony! She provides him with some grubby old sweats and tells him how scummy a person she is blah blah. Doug seems content with all of this, although Steph soon points out that Bex is in possession of Cheryl’s OMG! necklace (it’s kind of hard to conceal, being the size of a dictionary), which is mysterious. Could Bex possibly have resorted to petty crime and the theft of fashion jewellery purchased several years ago from Tammy?! How the mighty have fallen!

Now, there’s a number of drastic and disturbing alterations that Hollyoaks has undergone in Doug’s absence, including:

• Texas is now tabloid fodder because India’s murder made her drop out of university. She spends her days suspiciously hanging around street corners. Apparently every day is a slow news day in the Hollyoaks alterniverse.
• Ruby is now preggers because Doug wasn’t there to not have sex with her on account of her being underage and Dodger (!) impregnated her.

I don't think I like this universe. They have terrible taste in maternity puffer jackets.

• Riley is an alcoholic.
• Ricky is Brendan’s bitch (or ‘soldier’, as Doug puts it), just like Doug used to be that one time. Nice to know the Brendan ‘stache still exists though. And he calls Ricky ‘Ricardo’.
• Bex also works for Brendan.
• Mercedes is dead!
• Lynsey is dead!

All the while, people are all like “who the hell are you?” to Doug as he explains their own life situations to them for the sole reason of plot exposition. Doug doesn’t mind that everybody else’s life sucks because of his absence as long as Bex knows him. Steph doesn’t meddle, but nudges him in the right direction – ‘it’s almost as if somebody else should have been the soldier,’ she remarks as Brendan gives Ricky some face-grabbing treatment in an alley.

Meanwhile Bex explains that she stole all the Primark jewellery to sell so that she can skip town. Uh, I don’t have a degree in, like, precious metals or anything, but even I know that you wouldn’t be able to make much of anything out of that garbage. Bex still seems to be a few sprouts short of the Christmas dinner in this version of reality, if you know what I mean. Selfless as Doug is, he decides to join her in running away. And despite Steph’s preaching, Doug wants to stay in this bizarro world because he finally gets to spend some time with Bex. He has to learn the hard way that he was meant to be alive – without Doug, all of these people’s lives would be so much worse! But the time eventually comes for Doug to finally realise this and let go of the woman we knew for about five minutes but he loved nonetheless. And so he does.

In case you forgot what she looked like, which you might well have done.

Steph says goodbye after leaving him a special task for when he is back on earth. And so Doug wakes up, having been resuscitated by random paramedics who just happened to be passing, I guess. But Doug is in a hurry to run back to the village and make amends for being such a wimp all this time.

Wait! You forgot your health!

And what better way to make amends to everyone than to cook everyone a large feast! Though I have no idea where he got all that food at that time of night at Christmas, I couldn’t even find the right salmon when I went to the supermarket on the 22nd. Perhaps Steph also has magical food conjuring powers as well as teleportation. Or maybe the baby Jesus summoned it for him. Anyway, everyone shows up and has a merry old time, and Doug wears his best Worst Cardigan, and it is truly a moment of joyful tears.

Doug's best Worst Cardigan

And that special task Steph left Doug? Truly the icing of the cake made of my tears. For Steph had seemingly forgotten Frankie when she made her farewell songs back when she was diagnosed with cancer (before she ran into a burning building and died). Turns out she actually didn’t! She had actually saved her cover of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, mournful feminist anthem disguised as a feel-good party track, for Frankie to have right now. And everyone is touched.

So ends this Very Special episode of Hollyoaks. And remember, if you ever feel useless like Doug, just think of your purpose as the world’s comforting security blanket. Christmas is a particularly bad time during which to feel bad about yourself. But don’t fret, gentle readers! Doug takes on all of Hollyoaks’ tragedies and makes everyone feel better for it. In fact, he has risen above being the butt of every tragic joke, and has become Happy Doug. I personally look forward to seeing more Happy Doug (I also look forward to when Hollyoaks features the children’s choir cover of “I Touch Myself”. Which actually exists.). Stand tall, Happy Doug!

bye bye badger

So, adding one more to Inferno Week‘s woeful death toll, the passive aggressor shuffled from this mortal coil. The details of his demise were sketchy. Lyndsey said something about the blast damaging his ‘internal organs’. Isn’t it lucky that such horrific injuries didn’t disfigure him in any way?

Anyway, never one to take decisive action, Mal lingered between this world and the next, appearing to Mercy to offer her spiritual guidance like the world’s crappest Jedi.

It was a relief then it was up to Mercy and Kris, who returned for one night only to dish out some home truths and look spookily like an older, haggard member of Hanson, to switch off his life support.

Eventually/thankfully they did and Mercy was thus widowed. In terms of scores then, she has now been twice married (to Mal and to Russ)? And now she is free again to slag her way around the world (though let’s face it, marriage never stopped her doing this anyway). One word: yay!

“where’s the slut that killed my Mal?”

And so began the week’s craziest scene, an episode-long shriek fest where Mrs Fisher, Lyndsey and Cheryl descended on the McQueen home to, individually and/or collectively,  shout at and slap Mercy. In their defence, Mercy provokes this kind of reaction in just about everyone she meets, unless she is shagging them in a toilet cubicle.

Things of note in this scene:

Despite the fact he died from mysterious injuries sustained whilst saving her from an exploding restaurant, Mercy managed to cut short any grieving for Mal by announcing how he’d slapped her, thereby exonerating her for cheating on him, falsely accusing him of giving her the hiv and generally making his life a misery. As BTMs go it was truly epic.

Having hitherto displayed no discernible personality, Lyndsey now displayed a variety of them, as she supported Mrs Fisher/slagged off her cooking, defended Mercy/attacked her. Didn’t make her any more interesting though.

Myra necking white wine and Weisbrau with typical abandon. Duncan’s rapt interest in the drama unfold around him. Cheryl’s face throughout.

does a whisperer shit in the woods?

Our questions about where Warren is living these days appeared to be answered when he met Mandy outside a creepy, Blair Witchy shed in the woods. A genuinely weird scene that seemed to last the entire episode, Warren and Mandy yet again argued about the outcome of Inferno Week, Mandy suspiciously distraught, Warren suspiciously whatevs (see quotes below). After threatening to leave him, Mandy was apparently won round by yet more of Warren‘s DIY psychoanalysis (“That pain you feel when you think about what you’ve lost, that’s not going anywhere” “Love and hate…there’s a very fine line” etc). They were last seen hugging, no doubt en route to some tearful whispery guilt sex on the woodland floor.

Eek.

On the subject of the whisperer – another scene of him menacing Theresa. Right, we understand that he is upset that she has somehow prevented him from being “dead happily ever after” but does that give him the right to poke his tongue out in a thoroughly unsavoury manner? No. Only Brendan can get away with that kind of thing.

the gay test

So you want to find out whether your gangster bro is gay (and in no way does his magnificent Mercury-style tash answer this for you).  What to do? Just ask him these three simple questions!:

1. Who is your favourite thespian?

A – elderly homosexual X-man Sir Ian McKellen

B – big titted pouting bombshell Scarlett Johansson

2. What do you moisturise with?

A – green tea moisturiser

B – the tears of small children

3. Who am I most likely to find you in bed with?

A – young hobbit-like men or ratboys

B – a McQueen (John Paul notwithstanding)

Answers:

Mostly As: yes, your bro is gay. Best keep him supplied with tea, toast and young nightclub workers.

Mostly Bs: your brother appears to be Warren. Or Tony.

p.s For all of the attention Cheryl gave to the green tea skincare solutions, she inexplicably overlooked Brendan’s choice of aftershave – Zeus. Surely more the name of a Soho club or a gladiator?

toast

What was with the toast obsession this week? Pretty much every episode had a reference to it.

par example:

We have already swooned over Brendan’s innovative use of this breakfast favourite, but he was also munching on it as Cheryl embarked on her Gay Test.

When Tony and the Sharpe’s sought refuge at the Costellos (WTF? btw) Heidi immediately offered them toast. Somewhat insensitve given their home had just been incinerated but what the hey.

“We were this close to being toast” said Amber, of she and Finn’s, sadly unsuccessful, brush with death. “I wish I was toast” Finn lamented (this was twinned with some excellent underage standing moodily).

So what could be the significance of the toast? Could it represent the secrets each character is hiding – Tony‘s guilt, Brendan’s manlove and Amber’s bun? Or is the Hollyverse reminding us that breakfast is the most important meal of the day?

weird shit

Brendan started the day terrorising Macca with toast dressed in a gray t-shirt, but by the time he got to the hospital to comfort Cheryl he was wearing a white t-shirt.

What? Amber stole a pregnancy test from the Drive n Buy? When did this happen?

Hang on, Taylor spilled the beans to Phil’s 2nd family about his, Amber and Gabby’s existence and we were not privy to this scene? We put up with hours and hours and HOURS of Sharpe shouting, pouting and AMBER and yet we are denied seeing the shit hit the fan? Are you fecking kidding??? GRAAAA!!! *hurls mobile phone in rage*

in other news

So following Rae’s confession of love last week, Ste is now saying that he loves her in return. FFS.

Amy calls time on LAmy. Luckily Leanne is waiting in the wings to claw Lee back for herself. Yay!

We learn that Duncan is being taught about sperm washing at school and that his surname is Button. Aww.

Despite plummeting temperatures Rae opts to ponce about in hotpants and knee high slut socks.

Culled – Elliot heads for NASA via random brand Adieu Airlines and Kevin returns to Alpha Centauri/a secure ward.

Texas is back. Great.

YAWN there’s more smashy smashy from Gilly

Neets and Bart almost shag in a cupboard, but are interrupted by Eva – “It’s your moment” she says “I wont ruin” *exits with a lascivious look back*. Have we ever said how much we love her? Oh yeah, and Ravi is in hospital.

As predicted, Tony is carted off by the filth for starting the fire.

quotes

“Steph’s dead, that’s sad. But she had terminal cancer. She was gonna die anyway. Today. Tomorrow. Whenever.” Warren sums up what we are all thinking.

“I think you’re an absolute saint,” Mrs Fisher to Carmel on learning that she is raising Calvin and Theresa’s lovechild. If being a slappable gurning baby stealer earns you a sainthood these days then we’re all quids in.

“Who cooked it? Jesus?” in a rare display of wit, Lyndsey questions the genesis of last week’s romantic meal for Mercy and Mal

Eva: “Rav’s had a stroke”

Jasmine: “Thought he had an aneurysm?”

Eva: “Well. Sommink to do with ‘is ‘ead”

Eva. Love her.

Brendan: “Oh yeh, oi hear the forecast fer Strangford Loch’s quoite good…”

Macca: “Why would I want to go there?

Brendan *with a fist thump*: “Cos that’s where ye’ll end up if ye don’t get out of here!”

A threat or a recommendation for a pleasant mini break destination? We think the latter, Strangford Loch seems quite nice.

“Me and Ste are quite similar” no, Macca, YOU ARE NOT.

“I hear that despite the five kids you never actually got married?”, Mrs Fisher on ‘Mrs’ McQueen, woefully underestimating the number of McQueen spawn there are/were.

“That’s not illegal you know” Duncan on having sex with your cousin.

hivfest ’08

After much skulking around in bedrooms, corridors and stairwells, staring ominously into the distance, Malachy finally revealed that he has the hiv. Now, WLH has a few questions about the potential hiv epidemic to sweep the village:

Mercy and Kris used protection. So surely two slagbags like Mercy and Malachy would have used protection too?

If they didn’t use protection, then surely Mercy would be on the pill? But if so then why did she have to take the morning after pill after her drunken fumble with Kris?

Perhaps the answer to this contraceptive conundrum is that Malachy’s poisoned seed is so powerful that no womb is safe?

Anyhoo, with Kris now up to speed with his potential hiv status, the only person still in the dark is poor Mercy, the Typhoid Mary of Hollyoaks. Uncharacteristically sweet and vulnerable, it didn’t take much for her to fall back into bed with Malachy, who seemed quite happy to give her another dose of the hiv. And they say romance is dead!

So, hivfest ’08 has begun. Team hiv needs you!

Kieron- the aftermath

After the high drama of last week, there wasn’t much in the way of follow-up to Kieron’s puke stained death. John Paul whimpered. Craig Dean fluttered his eyelashes. Vile Niall cried evil tears on Myra’s shoulder. Kieron has been removed from the opening sequence. Sob!

Justin WTF?

Seriously, what is the point of Justin? All he seems to do is waddle around the village being horrible to Leila even though she is so totally out of his league. He goes to student parties even though he is not a student, he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t have any real friends. He hasn’t even sent anyone to prison after falsely accusing them of child fiddlery. Rubbish!

Oh Mandy

Is it just us or is Mandy blatantly making play for an increasingly tubby Warren? White wine, flirty banter…what is she doing?! We would not want to cross Lady Macbeth, imagine the wine-fuelled fury!

Love latest

After bagging the woman of his dreams, science geek cutie pie Elliot finally realised that dating a wine-quaffing model isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Falling for the infinitely sweeter and prettier Hannah, Elliot dumped Sarah’s skinny ass. Elliot and Hannah – a match made in geek heaven!

Michaela’s comedy crush on the DILF continues and we think they actually make a rather sweet couple!

How cute are Nancy and Ravi!?

Gratuitous semi nudity

Calvin – semi naked ironing, naked and handcuffed in a dream sequence…Yum yum! Even Val couldn’t resist him and swooped in for a incest-tastic kiss. We do not blame her at all!

Carmel getting tangoed with some spray tan. Mmm dayglo!

Film student moment

A Scorsese-style round table debate in the entertainment officer election.

A double pre-wedding dream sequence for Calvin and Carmel. Calvin dreams he is in bed with Myra…eek!!

Quotes

“You know what you are Malachy Fisher? Sex on legs”, poor hivpit Mercy remains spectacularly ignorant of the fact that her shag buddy is an hiv-enabler.

En route, we stumbled into a giant mess of papparazos, big black cars with tinted windows, and you guessed it – celebrities. They were all gathering at the Royal Opera House for the GQ Men of the Year Awards. We were in celebrity heaven and here’s who we saw!

Lily Allen, Gordon Ramsay, Tess Daly, Rob Brydon, The Killers, Dave Grohl, Kirsty Gallagher, Thandie Newton, Denise van Outen, Ruth Jones, Alan Carr and Carol Vorderman (who arrived together), James Nesbitt, Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, Seb Coe, Tony Bennett, Steve Cougan, Tracy Emin, Will Young, Keane, Marc Ronson and Daisy Lowe (together) and to top it all off, some Olympic gold medallists.

As awe-struck and omg-squared as we were, we couldn’t help but wonder: Where were the men from the ‘Oaks? Were they not invited on purpose? Who was behind this vicious snub?

Rather than dwell too long on this what-has-to-have-been-accidental oversight, we decided to create our own GQ Men of Hollyoaks Awards. Here are the esteemed winners:

International man: Elliot’s dad (he’s in outer space)

Politician: Warren (for whispering manipulation of everyone around him)

Sportsman: Ravi (for being the new boxer in the opening credits, and his massive guns)

Maverick: Niall (for being a loner who commits acts of inexplicable cruelty)

Comedian: Danny (for his too-short-lived stand-up career)

Lifetime achievement: Jack (for being alive when everyone thought he was dead)

Woman: Kris (for being the best tranny in the village)

Inspiration: Elliot (for bagging the model of his dreams)

Chef: Dom (for his wacky recipes at Il Gnosh)

Band: The Baby Diegos (for their hit single)

Actor: Calvin (for pretending to be a champion of justice whilst also being a murderer and drug enabler)

Most stylish man: Darren (for the mesh-vest and flowery shirt combo)

Designer: Ste (for styling Amy with that foxy new bob)

TV personality: Newt (for video reporting his descent into madness)

Writer: Josh (for his beautiful lyrics about Amy)

Breakthrough talent: Fletch (for surprising us all and becoming the next Pete Doherty)

WLH editor’s special award: Kieron (for chucking in his faith for some good old fashioned buggery)

Entrepreneur: Justin (for trafficking stolen goods and sending Leila to prison for it)

Visionary: Eli (for not being real – he was just a vision)

The end is Nige?

Here at WLH we may have made a critical error. Everything was fine in the Hollyverse until we switched over to watch some of the Olympics (well, we thought we should give it a chance). When we switched back we seemed to have entered some hellish dimension where our favourite local drug dealer had been killed in some sort of ruckus with Calvin and Warren? Please tell us this isn’t true! If it is then it is truly a dark day for us all. And where is his body? Hidden in a cupboard in the Loft?

RIP Nige, the village won’t be the same without you.

Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once…

The Jack fake death scheme took an unexpected Allo Allo turn, with the suddenly complicit Frankie pretending to be French chamber maid in a bid to throw Chris off the trail of his six feet under dad. Now ignoring the fact that it was the WORST FAKE FRENCH ACCENT EVER, wouldn’t a brief glance at phone records show that it wasn’t infact a call from France but instead from upstairs in The Dog? Luckily, as Chester’s finest crimestopper is the increasingly compromised Calvin we think this insane in the membrane insurance scam will continue in all its glory. Hooray!

Missing: one baby

What has happened to baby Charlie?! Despite the high drama at the Osbornes lately we have seen neither hide nor hair of Becca’s cursed offspring. Perhaps he is buried under all the shoes Frankie insisted on buying him? Someone help him!

Zack and Zoe sitting in the tree…

As we suggested last week, scouse cutie Zack does indeed still have a massive crush on Zoe. Now as big a fan of the DILF as we are, we think its about time Zack got the girl – and he might have to start playing dirty to do it. Come on Zack, sabotage Mike‘s zimmerframe or something!

Newtered

Young Newt seems to be adjusting to life in his little blue room quite well. Eye make up remover must have been the first thing they prescribed him as his emo-ness is no more! Still a bit of work to be done though – one minute all sweet to Lauren and the next telling her he hates her, and we still think Eli is due a return. Plus, there may need to be a review of the security procedures at this particular nuthouse – people, be it Lauren, Frankie or Russ, seem to be allowed to just wander into Newt’s room whenever they feel like it. For the love of god give the lad some privacy, this is an asylum not a zoo!

Justin time

Justin showed he still has a penchant for getting innocent women imprisoned by not helping Leila when she was arrested for unknowingly selling his and Ste’s knocked off gear. Would hate to see what he would do to someone he hated (hang on – he would push them them off a fire escape!). Leila has a bit of a crush on Justin, but we say run away girl! Run like the wind!

Film student moments:

Zack’s flights of fancy – snogging Zoe, killing Mike – turn them into a reality Zack!

Newt’s animated explantion of Eli. Aww…

Quotes:

“Cos he was trampy!”, with CSI-style accuracy, Darren explains how he knew the dead random/Chris’s dad was a tramp. Like being in the presence of Poirot.