And now they’re getting married because Darren has “insight and is perceptive”. Apparently. He’s matured so much that he doesn’t even know that salt and vinegar is Nancy‘s favourite flavour of crisps. Darren, even we could have guessed that. Although Nancy is a “traditionalist”  (ie. dull) Darren thinks he is appropriately equipped to organise their wedding. Nancy’s wedding. The most important day of her life. Darren Osborne – wedding extraordinaire, never thought I’d be saying that.

The beginnings of the plans did begin however with failing to correctly guess what her favourite ice cream is (OBVIOUSLY it wouldn’t be something as exotic as rum and raisin, Darren) and thinking about, writing down, and scoring out some very poorly-planned looking plans in a cheap notebook which he now carries everywhere.

Darren hadn’t realised how difficult wedding planning would be – it’s not just pretty dresses and cakes. No no, he needed something called a registrar. And that was the first colloquial spanner. It wasn’t just the disco and the flowers that Darren had to worry about, he also had to get Nancy to attend an interview and sign a piece of paper for a wedding she hadn’t technically agreed to go to. Well, certainly not in two weeks. Darren being Darren, he soon had a “solution” to the problem. Jacqui wasn’t having any of it though but Rhys cleverly gave him the idea of using Cindy as his Nancy. Is this confusing everyone? Anyway, the basic point to remember is that you should never ask Cindy for any help because with Cindy there are no selfless acts and certainly no such thing as altruism. Since Cindy probably still loves Darren a bit because (a) who doesn’t (answer: literally no one), (b) her last marriages have hardly been a success and (c) now that she’s penniless Darren probably seems like a wonderful option, she agreed to commit a little bit of good old harmless fraud for him. Good old Cindy.

She was clearly the perfect candidate since she knows his favourite film (clearly the most important issue in any marriage) and she’s not averse to some illegal activity. And so, Darren and Cindy went to the registrar’s office, with Cindy sporting a wonderful (dreadful) Nancy-esque outfit,  to sign some marriage paper things –  something we never thought we’d see. Fortunately though the plan worked nicely and now Darren is allowed to marry Nancy (Or Cindy. Well, technically kind of Nancy.) Anyway, either way there’s going to be a wedding. Yay! A Valentines wedding in Hollyoaks – what could possibly go wrong?

Well, lets not forget that as much as we love Darren (a LOT) he’s also a bit of an idiot and he does have a tendency to mess things up a bit. Just when it was all coming together, Rhys had even found a DJ (oh dear), the devil lead Darren towards temptation. The devil in this case being Brendan in an absolutely delightfully beautiful coat.  After making Darren feel bad about his lack of invite to some brewery thing that Brendan, being Brendan, was obviously invited to, he told him to come with him so they could have a “lads’ night”. Since Brendan doesn’t have any friends apart from Cheryl, who doesn’t really count because she’s his sister, and Lynsey, who doesn’t really count because she’s Lynsey, I’m not entirely sure who else would be attending this “lads’ night”. Darren just couldn’t resist the invite to party with Double B however and gladly accepted. He wasn’t quite so glad when he discovered the drinks party whatever was in a casino. Because Darren is a GAMBLING ADDICT (this was made VERY clear this week) and so casinos are not the ideal location for him, as an addict, to be in.

Cindy, ensuring that she didn’t actually do anything nice for anyone else, managed to convince Darren that what Nancy would surely want is a big WAG-style wedding, a wedding which Darren‘s budget (although vastly increased by Jack who somehow just has what we can imagine is thousands of pounds lying around) wouldn’t quite stretch to. Casino drinks party, not enough money for wedding, capital produced by Jack.…. can you see where this is going? Yes, so could we. But, we were wrong. Fortunately(ish). It would have been nice to see Darren gamble Jack‘s money and end up with millions to spend on sandwiches from Price Slice for the reception in The Dog but obviously gambling is wrong and Channel 4 at 6.30pm is not the time to be saying otherwise. Darren couldn’t lose the money either though because the public outcry would be too extreme and the complaints would flood in. So instead, Darren bought the chips, went to the table and then remembered that he’s changed. Things are different now, his gambling days are over.

By the way he was acting the next day we could be forgiven for thinking he’d gambled all the money away but apparently his angst was merely due to the fear of having to tell Nancy he actually went into a casino. For a change Nancy, who has either actually become less uptight as a result of Darren‘s influence or was very drunk (the rum and raisin ice cream no doubt) was surprisingly calm about the whole thing. She realised that the important thing was that Darren had walked away, that he hadn’t gambled Jack‘s money and their future and that he’d changed.

Awww. Isn’t that lovely? Nancy‘s changed, Darren‘s changed, Cindy hasn’t changed, Jack somehow has some money and it’s all systems go for the wedding of the century. A wedding that will apparently rival Kate and Wills’. But since they didn’t have their reception in The Dog and the day wasn’t full of scandal as is de rigueur with all Hollyoaks weddings, there’s surely no competition.

It was a pretty standard week for Gilly. Some romancin’ with Cheryl and some arguing with Raqui. Literally all he’s done for about six months so it’s about time he left. I didn’t mind Gilly but recently he’s been boring, tedious and his whiny voice has started to grate. Plus, he’s caused a lot of drama between Jacqui and Rhys and as much as I’m not Rhys’ biggest fan (with fair reason really) I love Jacqui and they are a pretty cute couple; probably featuring in Hollyoaks’ top five couples of 2011 (Ste and BB being number one. Obvs.)

Speaking of Double B, with the news that he hadn’t come back to attend a terrible-looking party at Chez Chez planned by Cheryl to celebrate him being released for not (quite) being a serial killer, Cheryl got upset and Gilly swooped in so she could do some crying on his shoulder. As romance blossomed, Cheryl and Gilly walked round the village in loved-up bliss, kissing in front of a police car (who said romance was dead) and apparently oblivious to Rhys and Jacqui creepily watching them. In an attempt to “save” Cheryl, Jacqui dragged her round to the flat to try to convince her that her new bf was indeed a rapist. Surprisingly, Cheryl ignored Jacqui’s warnings that she was “not safe”. “We haven’t always seen eye to eye (that’s putting it mildly) but I’m trying to help you.” Chez wasn’t interested though, claiming to love Gilly even though they’ve been together about two episodes, she barely knows him, she’s had sex with his ex-best friend and he hasn’t got much going for him. Well, apart from a job at a new club in Chester (wow) that he probably no longer has after failing to turn up to his first shift.

Finding all the Gilly strain too much to put up with, Jacqui and Rhys decided to move away, using the clever method of pointing at random places on a map and deciding that Newquay was the destination of choice. A decision reinforced by the fact that Gilly got the aforementioned Chester club job instead of Rhys (neither of them deserved it really, I’d love a look at their CVs) and Cheryl spent half an episode in Price Slice boasting about it. In the meantime, before the “unlikely to happen big move to Cornwall”, Jacqui did her usual trick of decorating the flat with bright pink throws, fairy lights and other tacky rubbish. With no money to go to Cornwall, and the knowledge that Myra would never allow it, Rhys and Jacqui  resigned themselves to the fact that they’d be staying in Hollyoaks and would just “ignore” Gilly and Cheryl. Hard to do when the village is about the size of a small swimming pool.

A dramatic end-of-week episode solved all their problems though as after an awkward moment with Cheryl (my eyes) Gilly ADMITTED IT. Admittedly, it was the worst admission of anything ever. I’d have liked some clever trickery and Gilly revealing that he’d masterminded the entire plot, doing some evil laughing and dashing off to free Silas from prison. But no, he went into the “tackily decorated to match the flat” bedroom and suddenly remembered it all. And shit – Jacqui had been right all along. Nightmare when that happens. Not to belittle the whole situation but after months of “it happened, no it didn’t” I just expected…. more. More than Rhys, Jacqui and Gilly sitting in the flat arguing for an ENTIRE episode. Eventually though, after lots of denial and some clever mind-tricks where he tried to remind Rhys of their drugged-up nights out and wonderful friendship, he said it. I did it. Sorry. A whole twenty five minutes for that! It all started with some debate behind the door where Jacqui and Rhys argued over whether to let him in (a bit rude since that door probably isn’t sound-proofed) and then did more arguing about whether he should be allowed to stay once they’d actually let him in. Such bad hospitality at Casa Raqui.

In an attempt to make Rhys believe that his wife had made the whole thing up (waste of time) he tried to reminisce about times gone by, about their great bond and their wonderful friendship. Yes, Rhys and Gilly were once best friends but that beautiful friendship has surely been tainted by the fact that Gilly’s girlfriend and Rhys had an affair – the girlfriend who was Rhys’ SISTER (gross), the fact that Gilly was the one who revealed that Rhys was sleeping with Kathy Barnes (gross) and the fact that they’ve punched each other more times than Mercedes has had affairs. Gilly tried to make Rhys feel guilty about the fact that he laughed at something with Jacqui on the anniversary of Steph’s death (RIP) – pretty sure Steph and Rhys were never that close and I didn’t see Frankie doing anything for the occasion. After pointless cups of tea, some classic Rhys-rage and lots of shouting from Jacqui it all came out. Turns out Mr “Sometimes People Remember Things Wrong” remembered something wrong. In a flash, it all came back to him. She DID say no. Gilly cried, Jacqui was surprisingly reasonable and Rhys had to make it all about him (such a BTM-er – maybe he and Steph had something in common after all) Ten more minutes of tears and that was it. Over.

Deciding to leave, Gilly went round to tell Jack and Frankie the bad news and admit what he’d done. Although neither of them believed him. Gilly promptly packed his bags and decided to “go away” – where to? No one knows cares. Cheryl begged and pleaded and threw the “L” word around but it wasn’t enough, not even declarations of love could save him from the Hollyoaks’ cull which everyone, apart from The Hutch of course, will one day face. Will we miss him? Maybe a bit. He had his moments. When these moments occurred it’s hard to tell, perhaps they happened off-camera. He made Cheryl smile though and that’s good enough for us.

Non-Rapist Gilly boldly returned to the village much to the shock of, well, everyone. I’m not sure anyone actually expected him to come back after that kerfuffle (kerfuffle = accusations of raping Jacqui, with a matching court case). This makes things very awkward indeed at the Osbourne house. Tom has finally started Big Boy School and will probably remain there for the next 15 years judging by his track record of decelerated ageing, possibly some sort of Benjamin Button thing, I don’t know. He’s eleven now, right? Whatever, main thing is HE WEARS A SCHOOL UNIFORM, which is a big step up from going to playschool or whatever it was that he was going to for the last ten years, and it indicates to us that Tom, at the very least, is old enough to go to school. Tom is totes chuffed to see Gilly again, because Tom probably doesn’t really understand the meaning of the words “rape” or “accusation” or “Jacqui was right”. Of course, here at WLH, we remain completely unbiased. And with that I mean that I believe that Gilly is a scumbag rapist, and besides, the pain Jacqui felt and the troubles that she and Rhys experienced in their relationship were REAL, therefore, why are you here Gilly?? Awkwardness around the dining table ensues. No one really wants Gilly there, except Tom. Poor, misguided, naive Tom.

Tom, walking to, I presume, school (because of the uniform, duh, but it’s entirely possible that Jack and Frankie just let him wear the uniform because it makes him feel grown up when really they’re just taking him back to playschool. Wouldn’t put it past them.) with Jack, witnesses a minor showdown in the street – Gilly & Cheryl vs. the omnipotent Racqui, Hollyoaks’ finest powercouple with issues. ‘Gilleh!’ shrieks Tom, unable to just mind his own business in affairs he does not understand. Jack and Tom shuffle along, but Tom cries ‘But what about Gilleh??’ when he’s carted off. What about Gilly? He sucks, that’s what.

Ruby and Esther don’t seem to be very comfortable with the living arrangements either. This is understandable seeing as Gilly decided it would be appropriate to traipse around the house in a towel, the shame of it! Very inappropriate. Frankie, Ruby, Esther and Gilly have a strained meal together whereby we discover that Tom’s going for his ten metre swimming badge next week. What a convenient topic of small talk Tom has become. I bet he’d be proud. This leads to an inconsequential discussion about swimming in pyjamas, oh and also the McQueen Onslaught, whereby Myra, Mercy and Carmel attempt to give Gilly his comeuppance (a firm talking to – just what he deserves!) but fail miserably and end up being arrested for giving someone a firm talking to, which is definitely something that people can get arrested for.

Gilly is on Tom duty later on and on the way to school they treat each other to a “fun” geography quiz. Gilly boasts that he can name the capital of any country but is stumped when Tom says Moldova, a country that has been independent for twenty years and there is no excuse for not knowing that Moldova exists. ‘I was always better at European geography, me,’ remarks Gilly, thinking he’s got this one in the bag. Thankfully, Tom lets him know that Moldova IS European. So I guess Tom is knowledgeable about something at least? At that moment, a silent extra acting as some yob off the street violently (not that violently) rams his way past Tom, nearly sending him flying! (He didn’t actually go flying but this is possibly the most interesting thing that has happened to Tom thus far this week, may as well milk it for what it’s worth, i.e. not a lot). Tom informs Gilly that they’re just Year 13s who are also bullies. Isn’t Year 13 Sixth Form level? Shouldn’t they be in super hip Sixth Form College for Cool Kids? And wouldn’t someone in Sixth Form, a non-compulsory part of education, be at least mature enough not to steamroll over an innocent child who may or may not have associations with a supposed rapist in broad daylight and in company of said supposed rapist? Teenagers of Hollyoaks are weird.

Tom returns home from school just in time to witness Darren paying disrespect to Gilly’s shirt (good!). But poor Tom has more pressing matters to deal with, namely the matter of being beaten up by bullies for living with a rapist. You’d have thought Frankie would be more responsible. She did, after all, manage to convince the authorities that she would be able to give a good home to two young girls in the shape of Ruby and Esther merely on Jack’s bar manager income in a giant mansion with about seven hundred other mouths to feed. But no, it’s all ‘Gilly stays’, ‘Gilly’s family’, ‘I love Gilly’, blah blah, never mind Tom getting the crap beaten out of him for nothing (again, his face didn’t actually look that bad but MY GOD HOW BORING THIS CHILD’S STORYLINE IS. Tom is inexplicably infatuated with Gilly! We get it!!).

Carry your wounds like medals of hope, Tom! Or, you know, don't...

Tom decided to take on the ‘Year 13 lads’ by himself when they were calling Gilly names (all of this happened off camera, probably so they could save on extras or something). Again with the very accurate Year 13s. Mrs Responsible Parent Frankie, of course, encourages this behaviour?! What is this?! Somebody call Childline, what happened to ‘turn the other cheek’ and all that?? Fortunately Nancy, who may have zero authority when it comes to anything in the Osbourne household but makes a good effort, puts her foot down, telling Frankie that Tom shouldn’t have to put up with the abuse. Nancy’s the best! ‘Gilly has to go!’ she exclaims at the convenient moment when Gilly, scowling as he does, enters the room. ‘What’s goin’ on?’ he asks stupidly, not knowing exactly what to make of a phrase like ‘Gilly has to go’, which can have so many meanings, such as ‘I’m not sure whether Gilly has to go’, ‘I am of no mind whether Gilly stays or goes’, and ‘I love Gilly’, duh, of course your reaction would be to ask what’s going on!

‘I were just stickin’ oop for ya!’ Tom explains to Gilly afterwards. Like Frankie, Gilly encourages Tom’s defiance of bullies and continues to infantilise Tom, telling him that ‘rapist’ is a ‘grown up’ word that those Year 13s don’t understand the meaning of. Good god his idea of seventeen-to-eighteen-year-olds is warped! I seem to recall dealing with the topic of rape in AS Psychology, and RE, and General Studies, and even the most pointless of subjects: Personal, Social & Health Education (that’s PSHE to you!), I’m pretty sure most Year 13s know full well the meaning of the word ‘rapist’. I mean, what else would they think it means? Like, gee, I dunno, rapist, could it possibly be synonymous with ‘tosser’ or ‘prat’? Let’s just use it as a general insult regardless of the serious connotations it may possess. Yes, I’m sure that’s exactly what teenagers these days are like. Furthermore, Gilly has to explain to Tom why ‘sorting out’ the yobs would be a bad idea. This is after he told Tom he was proud of Tom for sticking up for him and being beaten up, which if anything is sending poor Tom mixed messages: well done for provoking a violent attack from strangers, but shame on you for suggesting we provoke a violent attack from strangers. It wouldn’t surprise me if Tom had some sort of meltdown and ended up completely messed up with this level of ambivalence that he’s surrounded with. Not to mention all the childhood traumas he’s had to endure.

Gilly then tells Tom that he’s moving out. ‘Boot why!? The joodge said you did nothing wrong!’ exhorts Tom, because judges are Always Right. ‘Certain people can’t seem to get their head round that,’ replies Gilly, unaware that it is very rude to speak about people in the room (i.e. Nancy) as if they are not in the room. ‘Because they’re sad-os.’ Again, very tactful, very polite. Also, exactly the answer you’d give an eleven-year-old, not like ‘well, you see, Tom, rape is a tragic and complex phenomenon, and sometimes it’s hard to locate the fine line between rape and consensual sex. We may never know the full inner workings of Jacqui McQueen’s mind, but we know that she feels that I abused her, though there is an equal chance that she was mistaken in her judgement and this confusion is embodied in the very fact that onlookers know not whether I in fact raped Jacqui McQueen, as some believe I did, and some believe I did not, regardless of the judge’s verdict’. He does however promise that he’ll come and visit Tom. Poor Tom.

Gilly tearfully says goodbye to Tom and the others. Tom is crying. He can sense this won’t end well, he kind of has a Spidey Sense for tragedy, you see. We’ll see how this pans out for Tom. Hopefully he’s enlightened enough now to teach those youths the true meaning of the word ‘rapist’ next time (that it’s a grown up word and that they don’t understand it). I also hope he’ll make the step towards maturity in the form of knowing why some people don’t believe a judge’s verdict, and not believing it’s just because they’re ‘sad-os’. Time will tell.

Gilleh! Dohn't goh! (Except do, because you suck)

Having previously been seen being slapped around by Brendan, Doug hasn’t really been up to much of late. In fact, I’m not entirely sure what he’s even living off now or how he can even afford to pay rent. Nevertheless, we love Doug for some indiscernable reason. There’s just something loveable about him. It may be that he has good intentions at heart (he gave those drugs to Texas for HER OWN GOOD for crying out loud! Just like a REAL friend should!), or it might be because he appears to be some sort of Pied Piper of misfortune (misfortune = rats). A sensitive and complex character, the average week of Doug-centric episodes takes us on a voyage, a grand odyssey of emotions that adequately refer back to Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotion, skillfully portrayed by master actor, PJ (an actual name!) Brennan. Join us now, as Doug embarks on an epic journey of self-discovery (or should that be self-disDOUGery, eh? Eh???).

Rhys is enjoying his 25^th (are they sure it’s not his 35^th? Because I swear Rhys was older) birthday at the Dog, having dressed in stripes to match Jacqui because the partner look is so in. Jacqui generously gives Rhys his birthday present in a bag presumably purchased at the Card Factory. Looks a bit shoddy but it’s the thought that counts, right? Oh, wait, it’s a dog collar. Good work Jac, a fine and fitting present for a young man on the brink of, uh, older manhood. But it’s actually meant for Terreh the dog, which I’m slightly conflicted about. On one hand, a collar is a nice thing to give to a dog and if the dog did just belong to Rhys, it would be kind of understandable? But then the dog belongs to Jacqui, mostly. So basically she bought a present for herself? Which is rude!

Rhys extracts the collar from the bag, promptly exclaiming ‘a dog collar?!’ Dearest Doug, who had been standing around, apparently mistook ‘dog collar’ for ‘Doug collar’ because why else would he be there?

Interest Doug - note raised eyebrow signifies peak curiosity

The writers of Hollyoaks are clearly easing us into the upcoming bondage storyline that involves Doug and his secret dog/Doug collar fetish (note: may not be true). Actually, he had come out to tell Jacqui she was needed behind the bar (because Jack is so lazy he has to recruit punters to go outside and control his employees for him?), but otherwise he has little business in witty dog-control-device-related banter with Rhys (he engages in this anyway).

Later on, Doug is drinking in the pub. You know, scrounging, drowning his sorrows regarding unemployment, the death of his lover and general uselessness, the usual.

Pensive Doug

He meddles further in Jacqui and Rhys’ affairs when Jac tries to apologise for the dog collar because it ‘were a jorke’ . ‘What were you trying to say with a dog collar anyway, I mean were you tryin’ to be insulting?’ he asks, utterly disgraced at Jacqui’s shameful actions.

Disgust Doug - making a stand for manhood

Jack butts in to Jacqui telling Doug she doesn’t really want to share her relationship drama with Doug. ‘Air, Jaahcqui, yuir eitherrr werrken’ here, or yuir not!’ he nags, though he gives her the afternoon off instead, so I guess ‘not’. ‘Try and get it right this time,’ Doug boredly calls after her, because it is totally his business!

Boredom Doug

Texas then approaches our lone ranger, asking him whether he’s drinking alone. Doug makes up some garbage about Ethan being here. Poor guy really is just reeking of desperation right now. Seems to work in his favour though, seeing as Texas gives him the benefit of a pep talk and her general alluring presence. They bond over some casual chit chat about murderers who killed their loved ones and other normal things that people talk about. Doug accepts that one day he will feel happy again. I say ‘again’ but Doug was never exactly the merry type, what with all the crime, and drug deals, and Brendan’s face grabbing ventures. Perhaps he’ll eventually accept that life is hard. For some people. Who have no jobs and suck at alternative (illegal) methods of money making

Acceptance Doug

Doug is met with yet more shocking news, as Ethan reveals that Rae has been killed! By a murderer! Rae and Doug of course had some sort of drug thingy in the past so they shared the unique and impenetrable bond that drug dealers so often do share. RIP Rae, last remnant of Newt. Ethan despairs at his inability to catch that brutal killer (and possibly lamenting the fact that he cannot for the life of him work out that dating site users INDEED have traceable IP addresses). ‘It’s not your fault,’ Doug soothingly whispers as Ethan cries his little heart out. ‘Yes. It is.’ replies Ethan, which is surprisingly correct, seeing how useless he is at actually detecting stuff

‘You don’t understand!’ Ethan groans as he grabs Doug’s tender arm in a vice-like grip. His voice drops several octaves, for some reason, possibly to sound as manly as possible as he informs his friend about the identity of the killer. ‘We arrested someone. [Pause for effect] It was. [Pause for effect] Brendan Brady.’ Doug can only gawp, appearing mildly perplexed at the possibility that the village’s friendly neighbourhood thug and drug dealer could also be a killer. Gasp.

Amazement Doug

As Cheryl is escorted by the policed out of her apartment following Brendan’s arrest, she crosses the raging path of the unstoppable force known as Rage Doug. ‘Brendan’s innocent, I swear!’ she begs, but, seething, he only responds ‘HE KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU PROTECTED A MURDERER, GRRRAWWWWWWAAARRGGGHLL!’ (dramatisation, may not be accurate) as half the village including Ruby and Esther for some reason stand watching to the sound of small children singing Radiohead’s Creep. Ethan tries to restrain Rage Doug, but it is no use – no one can defeat him!

Attack of Rage Doug!

Indeed, Rage Doug never really goes away, always lurking in the shadows of Regular Doug, waiting to pounce upon wrongdoers. He reproaches Ethan for letting Brendan go the first time he was arrested. In a combination of anger and disgust at Ethan’s failure, Doug asks Ethan if he would have done things differently if he knew that Rae would be next, his voluptuous eyebrows bristling like the hairs on the back of a cat (who is filled with contempt). Luckily Texas is on hand to support Doug, and also throw dirty looks at Ethan. Burn.

The topic is left hanging but Rage Doug returns to chuck Ethan out of the flat because Rage Doug is just so enraged! (Following up on my point about Doug paying rent, assuming he hasn’t got some sort of amazing savings account or personal leprechaun or something, as a possible non-rent payer, does Doug even legitimately get a say in who can and cannot stay in the flat, regardless of their seeming incapability to capture the killer of his former girlfriend?)

But fear not, gentle readers, the bromance of the year shall not be severed, as Ethan and Doug make up after the Very Sombre Memorial Service that follows (a week after Rae’s death? Seems a bit quick but I guess so much happens in Hollyoaks it’s hard to fit it all in). Here, Ste reads a very touching speech about how Rae quite enjoyed the music of popular rap singer Tupac “2pac” Shakur. On a related note, since when is Ste illiterate? He actually narrates more poorly than Ruby does. And Ruby actually is practically illiterate. After that, 99 Luftballons are released into the air, as this is also a Very Symbolic Memorial Service. Because they’re letting go of their grief for Rae, geddit? Well, most of them are…

Grief Doug

Doug forgives Ethan for being a bit of a rubbish detective (it could happen to all of us from time to time) and because, according to Leanne, he’s done ‘nothing wrong’, which is a lie, but Doug approaches Ethan accompanied by his new pal, Wilf the Gas Cannister, and the two become friends once again.

Friendship Doug

Ethan + Doug = Friends 4EVA

So much Doug! But what have we learnt from all this? Well, we have discovered that Doug is a whirlwind of emotion! But that probably goes for most Hollyoaks characters. We have also learned that Ethan and Doug go together like table and chair (and why not? They’re both pretty useless at most of the things they do). The question remains: why is loveable Doug so damn loveable if all he does is create chaos and misery and drug overdose? I’d be lying if I said anything other than I dunno.

*I made that last one up – friendship isn’t actually on Plutchik’s Wheel. But it should be!

I wouldn’t have had Jacqui and Rhys Ashworth-McQueen down for marital bliss really.  When they found themselves both working behind the bar of the newly rebranded Chez Chez nightspot last autumn, they fell out the first day over who was in charge.  And they both came with a little bit of baggage.  Jacqui was a brittle, razor sharp survivor who’d only recently escaped from an engagement to Des, the twinkly-eyed Geordie teacher who turned, apparently overnight, into a rubbish racist with a really scary sister.  Rhys was a sullen perpetual slacker type who’d just come out of a dreary triangle vying for the affections of India (RIP) with his miserable hairy brother Josh.  Immediately preceded by another equally dreary triangle with the same miserable hairy brother over the affections of Hayley.  He also slept with his own sister, but, y’know, that was way back, and anyway, she died.  Let it go, people.  Hey, at least by the time he locked horns with Jacqui, said miserable hairy brother had been dispatched to Spain.  Things looked like they might finally be looking up for our Rhys.

They started with a bit of light internet flirtation, back in the innocent days before Silas turned it into a terminal pastime.  Using the names Fun2bewith and Sweetiepie, they should technically have sued each other under the Trade Descriptions Act.  When they realised who they were flirting with, they were horrified.   Forced out on a date by Our Cheryl, they tentatively realised they didn’t completely appall each other.  In fact they managed to not appall each other into bed.  Then entered a battle not to be the first one to admit they actually felt something.  Prickly ain’t the word for it.  It was like watching two hedgehogs trying to mate.  Rhys cracked first, obviously, he always does.  Then Jacqui’s concrete casing started to crumble.  And a very strange thing happened.  They realised, none more surprised than them (or us), that they might actually make each other … happy.

They’ve been tested, obviously.  Path of true love, and all that.  Always short of cash for something, they tried to scam rubbish cockney wideboy Danny Houston at poker, and Jacqui had to choose whether to sleep with the porky gangster, or let Rhys be dropped on his head by goons.  In what was effectively a declaration of passionate love from our Jacq, she tragically went off to do the deed with Danny, only to be let off at the last minute.  Unfortunately, in his grief, Rhys had got pissed and done the dirty with mate Cheryl, and as this was a late night special, we got to see FAR more than I needed.  I went temporarily traumatically blind, so I’ll just say A_SE and M_FF.  Fill in the blanks yourself.  Reunited in a brief period of loved-up bliss, our Racqui were thus inevitably ripped apart again when Cheryl blabbed to Jacqui, under soap rule number 1457: Secret Shagging Will Always Out.  Seriously, Chez, have a word with yourself, love.  We want to like you, but tut.  The aftermath was disastrous.  Jacqui got drunk with angry, bereaved, frustrated, similarly drunk Gilly, Rhys’s erstwhile best buddy, and let him kiss her.  The rest was pure tragedy.

It’s been a rough old ride for the unlikely lovers since then.  After some fannying about on the fence, Rhys realised that he had to pick a team, and went with his heart, and his future, not his past.  Gilly got off, but in the end, Rhys got his woman, in one of the loveliest weddings the Oaks has ever seen, Jacqui still in her curlers in front of the Registrar.  “That was my perfect wedding,” Jacqui said, to the man who’d proposed in the middle of a rape trial.  Aw Jacq, ours too.  But Jacqui’s pretence at being a Woman of Steel started to wobble.  She pushed him away, because that’s how she rolls, and nearly broke his heart, and ours.  She went missing in the middle of the night, with Silas on the prowl.  In the end, Rhys found her sitting in the field where they’d wandered hand-in-hand on their happiest day.  “Please tell me you’ve brought some food,” Jacqui said, with admirable practicality.  He hadn’t, but he held her hand, and she got some counselling, and it all started to fall into place.  And then someone else entered their lives, to make them complete.

Terry the Dog chose Jacqui as his mistress much the same way that Rhys did.  By just hanging around for a long time and looking at her pitifully until she broke and tickled his head.  Also much like Rhys, he is of uncertain parentage.  No one knows where he came from.  He came, and he stayed, and that’s that.  Now, he listens.  He listens to Jacqui talking about Rhys, and Rhys talking about Jacqui.  He has big, wise eyes, and nods, sympathetically.  Then he eats their tea and poos on the cobbles.  Rhys wasn’t sure about the competition for Jacqui’s affections at first, but he’s come round.  Terry makes Jacqui happy, and Jacqui makes Rhys happy.  Together, the three of them are as happy as Larry.  It’s enough to make you sick.  And yet strangely, we adore them.

This week, our lovebirds were celebrating, in their own particular way.  Rhys turned 25, and was feeling old.  Jacqui laid on a spread that looked like it was made up entirely of cheesy puffs and Skips, gave him a cup cake with a candle in it, and went off to work, leaving him to enjoy it with Terry.  At least one of them watched her go with sad, abandoned eyes.  Later, in the pub, she gave him a natty tartan dog collar as a gift.  “Were you trying to be insulting?” Doug asked, after Rhys stormed off in a strop.  “Yeah,” said Jacqui, not seeing a problem, “that’s how we work.”  And then gave up trying to explain.   Eventually, Jack let her go find Rhys in the sulking spot beside the fountain, where she gave him his real present, some rare album that sounded like the Foo Fighters crossed with a chainsaw.  Possibly Trent Reznor, I couldn’t tell.  Bart found it on t’interweb, apparently.  “I hate you,” Rhys said, clearly overflowing with love.  “Yeah, well I hate you too,” Jacqui said, turning to pure marshmallow.  And long-suffering Tezza was forced to look away as they shared a big soppy kiss.

In love, they seem invincible.  While the rest of the village was swept up in Silas’s evil plans to frame the Big BB for the murder of trollops, Jacqui just took the piss out of Warren.  “Some people get away with murder, don’t they.  He heh,” she said to him, with an innappropriate chuckle.  Possibly unwise words to use to your hubbie’s employer, a man widely reputed to have done in his own fiancée, tragic dipso Louise.  And anyway Jacq, you can talk, you covered up Theresa’s little bullet-related indiscretion.  Clearly a woman after me own heart, Jacqui then abandoned the shopping to lay on a good healthy meal of take-away kebabs for her boys, which turned into the cutest three way food fight EVER.  Afterwards, while Terry hoovered kebab-a-la-carpet-fluff up off the floor, his owners had a cuddle on the sofa and Rhys offered to sweep our Jacq away on holiday.  Jacqui looked hopeful until he told her he meant camping in Llandudno.  There was an ominous pause.  Oh Rhys, big mistake.  This was the moment, surely, when it all came crashing down to earth.  I mean seriously.  Jacqui McQueen.  Seven inch heels.  Eyeliner non-optional.  Adamantine nails.  Camping.  NEVER.  GOING.  TO HAPPEN.  I knew it was unnatural to be that happy.

“Do I look like the outdoors type?” Jacqui asked, her hula hoop earrings swinging, her face stiff with horror.  “You just need to enter into the spirit of it,” Rhys protested.  “I’d rather enter a hotel,” she cracked back.  “Me and you, sleeping under the stars,” Rhys persisted.  “Like girl guides,” Jacqui said, drier than a Ryvitas Mini.  But he fondled her shoulder and told her he thought it would be good for both of them.   And … stone me.  She melted.  Again.   “How big’s your tent?” she asked, nonchalant, cocking a suggestive eyebrow.  And agreed to go on condition that he clean up the kitchen.

HOLY COW.  They have passed the ultimate test of coupledom.  The camping test.  In the words of Madness, It must be love.  They have come through the online dating, the moving in, the grifting, the fat gangster, the infidelity, the broken trust and broken friendships, the disappearances, breakdowns, and professional counselling.  They’ve got no money, they got chucked out of the pub quiz for cheating, and their flat has pink walls which could induce migraines.  But they have each other.  And they have Terry.  They are officially the happiest couple in the village.

It’s all plain sailing from here on in, right?  I mean, what could possibly go wrong …?

It occurred to us that whilst we’ve been a bit preoccupied with the hairy wonder that is Brendan Brady (and who wouldn’t be), the might of the Savagebots, some smug bellend and various real life happenings that we’ve failed to reflect on the many many things Hollyoaks has taught us these past few months. So here they are:

This man lives in the village somewhere:

The frequency that Ruby will falsely claim to have slept with someone: approximately every 2.4 days

Residents of Abersoch will SIT AND WATCH as a teenage girl drowns in the sea.

Frankie and Jack are still sexually active (Jack: “Tell you what, Frankie, there’s life in the old bones yet” Frankie: “I know there is” *filthy laugh* us: “Gngggghhhhh”)

Pork pies are the picnic food of choice for underachieving serial killers.

If your boyfriend confesses to murdering his ex and (allegedly) stuffing her body in a laundry cart this is the perfect moment to declare your love for him and go on holiday together.

The image of Gaz mounting Heidi can never ever be erased from the mind. Not ever.

Being touched up by a snake can easily be confused with being touched up by  a human being.

Food served in small spoons is “dead classy”.

It is possible to travel from London to Chester in 20 minutes. At 3am.

In an extended recipes-are-relationships metaphor/film student moment, Rhys is a “cheese souffle”  and Mercy is an “authentic hot chilli” <insert quip about cheesey secretions/gut rot/diarrhea here>

Those of a less lithe physique must be the punchline of each and every comedy subplot, be it lost security blankets, botched facial hair bleaching, the slaughter of family pets or the humiliation of a middle aged woman at her own daughter’s engagement party. HA HA. LOL. ROFL. etc.

Despite the populace of Hollyoaks living in or around the village it is still occasionally necessary for them to drive to Chez Chez. Particularly if they are Riley.

Unattractive middle aged men with a passion and skill for improving teenage illiteracy have no place in Chester’s educational system.

Cheryl’s breasts are magnificent.

A drunken rendition of You’ve lost that loving feeling will not earn you forgiveness from your slattern wife-to-be for almost shagging a slut in a toilet cubicle.

Don’t cross men called Rocco.

Being unable to read or write does not stop you from organizing a housewrecking jailbait party via a social network.

Lions don’t eat tomato soup.

Foxy is ‘full of mysteries’. By ‘mysteries’ we assume Nokia means ‘pies’.

DO NOT PUNCH PEOPLE WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT

Lee likes werewolf sex with trimmed pubic hair.

The Libertybot has almost mastered the art of walking across the village like a convincing human being.

Jason’s date look is ‘Forrest Gump’.

Life can prosper in the hostile environment that is Mercy’s uterus.

Be assured, our lives can only be improved with this knowledge.

Anyway, we don’t know what they’ve been putting in the beer over in Hollyoaks village lately, but the men folk have been up to all sorts. Here’s our A-Z of the goings on:

Alistair

Bad times for the dapper pensioner, having to suffer the indignity death by falling/being pushed off an Alp. Cindy could have at least had the courtesy to shag him to death.

Brendan

There’s soooo much BB goodness to enjoy of late.  The next BW is on the way. Honest.

Calvin

Oh yeah, so obviously what the NEVER.ENDING.WHO.SHOT.CALVIN.PLOT needed was a guest appearance by Calvin himself. God, how we’ve missed those guns. Let us just take a moment to admire them.

*sighs*

Even though he’d shag most of our immediate family we’d probably still go there.

Cost – ooh – ELLO!

We don’t know how it happened. After months of going glassy eyed at the mere mention of their names, WLH has done a complete volte face and we now love the Costello brothers. IDST.

We probably love Seth the most. We love the way he drinks herbal tea and dad dances at jailbait parties. We love the way he felt so emasculated by being decked by his twin sister/brother and humiliated by a lesbian that he sought guidance from Gaz on how to bulk up – you know, Gaz. That celebrated beefcake.

It was his post-steroid-OD hospital scene with Riley, though, that really sealed the deal. It was, we must confess, actually quite moving. And we’re quite sure we weren’t suffering from low blood sugar or on drugs at the time.

Which brings us to Riley. We never thought we’d ever utter these words but he managed to do something INTERESTING. Yes, perhaps a sign that Mercy’s vagina doesn’t have complete control over him, Riley defied the basic McQueen law that no man should think for himself, he went got himself all up in the face of the NEVER.ENDING.WHO.SHOT.CALVIN.PLOT.

Bless, you could see how much he struggled with any thoughts that weren’t about football, sculpting his abs and the aforementioned vagina. Admittedly, it didn’t take much to distract him from it (let’s face it, all the McQueens would have had to do was throw a football out the room and yell ‘fetch’) but props to him for the effort.

Speaking of which, as he channeled all of his powers into wondering what was going on with Ethan he refused to service Mercedes at the frequency she demanded. Are we to assume that, like the Heart of Gold when it was trying to figure out how to make tea,  Riley’s brain can only process information if all other functions shut down?

Anyway, we just wanted to offer Riley a word of advice – when Mal denied Mercy sex she promptly went out and shagged her bro in law, and look how well that turned out. So if in doubt just put out, okay? Luv, us xx

We noticed the AMAZING/ridiculous feature wallpaper in Riley’s bedroom. Are these the words Riley utters to himself to prolong coitus with Mercy?

Darren

After a shocking and painful month long absence, we were rewarded with a glorious, entirely gratuitous scene with the Big O clad in nothing but a towel, glistening from the shower and so buff it’s almost indecent.

Thank you, Hollyoaks. THANK YOU.

Doug

Doug. Oh, Doug. Why do we love thee? Let us count the ways:

• Your beautiful array of knitwear
• Each and every Bruglas scene
• Cutting a dash through the village as you frequented Price Slice in a dressing gown and some flip flops. Oh my!
• You invented the drugs clock – a stylish addition to any living room AND a useful place for one to stash the drugs forced upon you by the local hirsute gangster!
• That you’d sacrifice your own freedom in return for a VIP place at a shit nightclub
• Tutoring Rae on how to be a successful crim. Really, Doug? REALLY?
• Your sweetly optimistic expectations of Blackpool  (“I read somewhere it’s the new Las Vegas!”)
• A passive drug mule, a patsy for ratboys trying to hide their cougar shagging, you are basically the whipping boy of all of the local hard nuts. Not literally though. Yet.

Duncan

Poor chunky Dunk found himself at the centre of a bullying the fat lad comedy storyline where Ruby and Esther found his porn stash and promptly blackmailed him into auditioning as a cheerleader. Luckily, he was fucking awesome – so in your face, BETCHES.

Ethan

Theresa’s incredible superpower strikes again. Despite being a highflying child detective, young Ethan has opted to help cover up her murder of Calvin in the hope that this will gain him access to her already oversubscribed lady garden. Fair enough, but we’re afraid you’ll have to get in line, son, as Warren is already guarding all entrances. So to speak.

The who-shot-Calvin? case apparently closed, and showing no interest in catching the serial killer at large, boy detective instead busied himself in the latest SHIT INVOLVING THE MCQUEENS and trying to avoid marriage to dead eyed fembot Liberty. We can’t imagine why.

Gaz

Busy few weeks for this duke of ratboydom, encompassing bizarre impersonations of upper class toffs called Boris, encounters with Brendan, enabling steroid overdoses and embarking on a surprisingly successful campaign to tap a married cougar, which, to the untrained eye, could be mistaken as the behaviour of your common or garden sex pest. But we know that repeatedly trespassing into a woman’s home so you can growl “you’re hot. I want yer” at her while your rodenty little pecs glisten, is actually textbook wooing. Unsurprisingly, Heidi was well up for it. And is it just us, but if you squint your eyes enough doesn’t Gaz look like a younger, hairless Carl?

BTW – when Gaz threw is drugs stash into the pond we were SO hoping that Danny Huston’s decaying claw would rise up to grab it. Sadly, this did not occur.

Gilly

He may or may not be a rapist, but he very definitely an enemy of pasta, as, after being selfishly denied sex by selfish Lynsey because she selfishly had a cancer scare, he threw a completely innocent lasagne at a wall. Bastard. He was also banned from seeing Tom, presumably incase he raped him.

Kyle Ryder

After his untimely, shocking and completely undeserved demise, no one even mentioned Savage Garden gangster boy. We hope they bothered to retrieve his body from off the top of that lift. We worry Warren might have eaten him.

Noah

We like Noah. We like how he’s now the GBF of Cindy and Cheryl. We like his strange attempt at a moustache, which is about as successful as Chandler Bing’s when he did the same thing in Friends season 2. Not so keen on the unsettling cat tongue though.

Pete

We’ll not beat about the bush here – we don’t like Pete. And here’s why:

• In his own words he was into “stealing, dealing…I had a special skill, I could persuade people…” that’s right, the new head of Hollyoaks High is a CRIM and possibly a mind controlling telepath. Or a Jedi.
• He felt the need to say “kick your arse” to Seth in order to establish himself as a loose cannon, maverick kind of head teacher. What is this, Heartbreak High?
• Despite being the head of a very turbulent high school, he spends most of his time rolling around the village, getting young female colleagues pissed and involving himself in shit that doesn’t concern him
• Even though Chez Chez apparently has no wheelchair access, he still manages to navigate its many floors at will. HE IS QUITE CLEARLY A WARLOCK.
• He too does the cat tongue. A lot. Ew.
• His obvious anti Brendan agenda. LEAVE HIM ALONE! Okay, so Brendan may have somehow caused his wheelchaired state but we bet he deserved it.

Piano man

After Billy Joeling all over Mercy’s visit to Mal’s grave, piano man morphed into electro-synth man who haunted all drugs shenanigans. We like to think he wears a piano key neck tie.

Rhys

There are usually no circumstances that can make us feel anything but disgust for this sweaty little perv but even we couldn’t help but feel sorry for him as he was reduced to the human equivalent of a small dog forced to stand between its two owners, both of whom are yelling at it to heel. And also believe their side of a did-he-or-didn’t-he rapey plot.

That said, call us cynical we can’t help but think that his difficulty in picking a side is less a conflict of loyalities and more to do with him trying to work out which option has the most benefit to him – side with Jacqui and his nightmarish King of Hearts shaggage of Cheryl is forgiven, choose Gilly and his shagging of sister/fiancee of his best mate is bygones.

It’s a tough one. Sister shagging is Rhys’s USP afterall, and without it he’s NOTHING.

Plus we couldn’t help notice that he likes to wear scarves indoors. Twat.

Ste

Most Ste news will be included in the next Brendan watch, as pretty much everything Ste does is BB-related, however we really did enjoy the I’m-sorry-apparently-I-have-opened-the-door-to-the-past ratboy smack down with Gaz. SQUEAK!

Silas

After being DISGUSTED by some DISGUSTING teenagers fingering each other over the onion rings in Relish, the underachieving serial killer expanded his MO from throttling sluts to attacking annoying Irish nurses. We don’t know yet whether or not he killed Lynsey but are not ashamed to admit that we hope he does. KILL HER DEAD, SILAS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD KILL HER DEAD.

Tom

Strange times for this mini bringer of doom. While certain blonde murderesses are allowed to roam free, young Mr Cunningham felt the full force of the law for battering a stranger with a cricket bat, a damning verdict delivered by  several grumpy middle aged men sat round a banquetting table.

Understandably miffed at the injustice of it all, he took to stealing cheese products from Price Slice with Finn O’Connor, who is now three feet taller, six timbres gruffer and, luckily for Tom, apparently now able to stop himself from impregnating minors.

Worse was yet to come for Tom, though – where once any guardian of his would suffer some horrific death almost instantaneously, Gilly simply has a stint at Her Majesty’s Pleasure on the cards. Perhaps with the onset of puberty Tom’s lethal powers are waning? Assuming he’ll reach puberty that is.

Tony

Not much to report on the Hutch, though he did star in this truly disturbing Black Hole Sun moment:

William

So the creepy ponce who has been poncing creepily around Carmel for the past few weeks turned out to be the wayward dad of approximately a third of the McQueens. With an eye on harvesting the internal organs of his long lost daughters, he claimed to have not known that he was essentially romancing his stepdaughter. Yeah, Willy. RIGHT. Let’s just be thankful he didn’t meet Mercy first eh?

Warren

The whisperer hasn’t been up to much of late, other than tormenting Brendan with home baking goods.

Other than that, after it’s celebrated disappearance, the puffa jacket was back, and when it lumbered back into view we realised we’d kind of missed it. He also demonstrated his most outlandish cat tongue to date (right) when, bizarrely, he watched Pete roll off to the little boys room. Is there something you’d like to tell us, Foxy?

quotes

Ethan: “Don’t threaten me, Warren”

Warren: “I’m not threatening yer, I’m asking yer”

But you are threatening him really, aren’t you Warren? Just a little bit?

“He’s not a bad lad he’s just a bit of a tool sometimes” Rae on Doug. We can’t disagree, but we still wish she’d STFU.

“I know I’ve been a nightmare since I lost Steph, being all aggressive and that” Gilly, find us a statement more under than that and we’ll give you a prize.

“Again?!?!” Tom’s response to being told that the police need to ask him some questions.

“It’s like the play boy mansion in here” awww, Seth confuses Hugh Hefner’s crib with his toe curling birthday party packed to the rafters with jailbait and awkwardness.

“Me, I look like a shady Yank with a bag full of drugs” Yes. Yes you do, Doug. A shady Yank in with a bag full of drugs in a cardy to be precise.

“You don’t know what it’s like inside…” at least three times in every episode Gaz starts a sentence like this.

Riley: “What’s wrong with the way you are?”

Seth: “LOOK AT ME!”

In one line, why we love Seth.

If you notice that Brendan news is missing don’t worry! A December Brendanwatch is coming soon…

three gangsters walk into a cellar…

So the (sexual) tension that had been simmering between Hollyoaks’ premier villains finally came to a head. Literally. With a hammer. Danny Huston lost. Warren won. Brendan graduated to proper killer man. And now there’s the Warndan alliance. We’re not sure how we feel about this. No good can come of it.

the whispergrrrrrrrrr

Warren got right on our tits:

the puffa jacket

As trademark looks go, Warren’s blue puffa jacket is made of fail. Whereas Brendan flounces about in elaborately detailed leather like an extra from a Human League video, when Waren lumbers around scenes in his puffa jacket he resembles a large, sweaty pasty.

delusions of grandeur

He seems to think he’s some kind of super villain. Yet he lives in a bedsit and spent an entire episode digging in the Chez Chez sex dungeon with his bare hands like a dog. His big TA-DA!! moment in The Dog where he waddled in to dish out some not particularly controversial home truths – Darren was a gambler, Jack faked his own death etc – was amusing, yet ultimately shit. Even his bizarre attempt to rob The Dog was thwarted by Carl and immediately clocked by Cheryl. He might be a seasoned murderer but Don Corleone he aint.

his freakishly small feet

Cherren – WTF? (see below)

the whole lost his memory/witness protection/lack of explanation re. who sent him the texts. BORED OF THIS ALREADY. Jog on.

But at least we realised who he reminds us of:

worst Hollyoaks episode EVER

We called this at the time and we still stand by it. The school disco episode is simply a verucca on the foot of Hollyoaks. We don’t like to think of it, since it’s 30 minutes of our life we will never get back, but we can’t quite forget the MYEYES/EARS/SOUL aberrations of Eva’s mottled, Santa costumed thighs, the (thankfully unfulfilled) premise of Eva and Duncan shagging in a cupboard and a foamy, semi naked Taylor. Please Hollyoaks, NEVER AGAIN

trendygandering

December started with the same old, same old for Jasmine/Jason with Fern threatening to unmask her/him but luckily she/he took matters into her/his own hands and revealed her/his transgender status to her predictably unsympathetic family. Heidi wept. Carl’s brain almost melted as he tried to process the information. Riley and Seth displayed all the sensitivity of two cricket bats. Killer granddad Silas got her a shitty watch for Christmas. Cousin Mitzeee called her ‘glenda the gender bender’

Poor Jason, afflicted with such a family family and that unfortunate hairdo. As if picking up the baton in the neverending relay of angst ridden Hollyoaks teenagers, he is is now self harming with Lisa Hunter’s self harming compass. We predict he will soon have the Hannahrexia scarf/forehead spot and Newt’s pretentiousness.

the king of hearts!

A WLH special on this coming soon.

you’re so fucking special

Poor India. She hasn’t had the best time in Hollyoaks. Her first week was marred by an unfortunate shitting in her pants incident. She was pawed at by both Ashworth brothers and totally shot down by Brendan. Now she had to suffer the indignity of being duped by a creepy old man masquerading as an internet hottie, who then murdered her and dumped her body in a woods wrapped in one of Allied Carpet’s finest. Soundtracked to a spooky choir version of Creep, it was all a bit upsetting and we felt rather sad to see her go. Mr WLH took it badly “She was a little sweetie! I didn’t even notice her until she was going to die!” he wailed. He should take this as a lesson on the harsh and unforgiving nature of the Hollyverse. No one in Hollyoaks is safe from a horrific death. Well, no one who is a relatively minor character or who is already suffering from a life threatening disease.

SO this means that 2011 is the year of the serial killer, or so we’ve read. Hooray! We haven’t had a proper serial killer since the days of posho mummy’s boy Toby. This year’s killer, granddad Costello, is less photogenic but definitely has the edge when it comes to being a creepy, woman hating sex fiend.  Who will be his next victim? Nancy narrowly escaped a Creep soundtracked garrotting (we are assuming Creep is the official theme of this storyline). Though we hope he takes a McQueen scalp, we suspect he might bump off some randoms/lesser characters then a major character (probably a McQueen. Or Nancy) will find themselves in peril only to – GASP! – be saved at the last minute. But that’s just us being pessimistic. Bring on the horror!

the award for the most awkward xmas dinner goes to…

The Osborne-Deans for combining a shrine to Steph with a festive family meal, complete with empty place setting and a cardboard cut out of the lady herself. “I don’t think it’s weird” trilled Frankie when everyone else understandably wasn’t in the cracker pulling mood. Even Gilly seemed to have temporarily lost his natural urge to smash everything up. Only marginally less fun than last year’s bonkers nativity scene.

couples we liked

• Chelfonse – tiny fake French man, Amazonian irish lady. Adorable.
• Dancy – this shouldn’t work yet it so does. Particularly when they have yelping sex whilst Darren keeps his socks on
• Barson – unlikely as it seems, embryonic Crimewatch star Bart has been the saviour of the Costello damsel/erm, boydamsel in distress. Not sure how it would work though.
• Stendan – OBVS
• Special mention: Kathleen and Father Lenny McLaverty. Seriously – who doesn’t want to see more of them?

couples we DID NOT like

• Cherren – turns out he wasn’t talking shite in his subterranean encounter with Brendan, Warren actually IS Cheryl’s new boyfriend. When exactly did this courtship take place? Are we expected to believe that Cheryl got herself a man and kept quiet about this? Isn’t Warren seeing Mandy? Either way, we DO NOT LIKE this bewildering turn of events
• Tandy – so Mandy’s Big Plan to wreak revenge on Tony is to marry him and then divorce him for his ‘millions’. HOW ORIGINAL IS THAT? Sigh.
• The McQuestello love triangle – urgh, this icky menage a trois rumbled on ALL MONTH, encompassing some truly bile worthy dialogue (see below) and culminating in Mercy snogging Carl then moments later snogging Riley “Urghghghgh she’s just been snogging your dad, mate!” shrieked mr WLH, clearly not understanding that THIS IS HOLLYOAKS and so THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.

in other news

Ah, Guy Candy. Where would we be without your comedic delights involving the characters leftover from all the big storylines? Still, it’s better than MasKara. AND it gave us a glimpse of old school Darren as he tried to steal the band away from Lee, dressing them in his old clothes (lucky little fuckers) and giving them new hair dos. Sadly, these dos had a touch of the unfortunate about them, particularly Ricky’s, which we are assuming was aiming for Beiber but ended up more Velma from Scooby Do.

Carl thinks it’s big and clever to eat an apple off the floor. IT’S NOT, KIDS.

International success and stacks of cash – according to Darren, these are what a man needs to have in order to get a woman like Mercy. Hmm, because all of Mercy‘s former conquests have had these in abundance.

Having finally noticed that her sister was dead, Texas was plagued by nightmares where she and India as children were inexplicably played by two incomprehensible scouse girls.

Texas and India’s 80s popstar mum Melody showed up. Rubbish.

Following India’ s murder, two policeman patrolled the village morning, noon and night to ensure the residents of Chester felt safe in their beds. Shame they missed the pub robbery and two crims disposing of a body then.

Warren’s failed attempt to rob The Dog is soundtracked to the unlikely beat of Nirvana’s Breed.

Darren modelled a new kimono

What was shaping up to be a crazed baby theft/who’s the daddy/false nonce on trial melee, fizzled away into nothing as the Sharpes upped and left the O’Connors and buggered off to see Grandad Sharpe. So it was all worth our time then.

Look Sharpe – presumably the name of Tony’s next doomed enterprise is an homage to the 1990s europop group Roxette.

We learn that Duncan has a sister called Ruby and his parents are psychotic TV game show addicts.

Oh good, Rhys and Jacqui got back together in time for the late night special, Hollyoaks: King of Hearts. TFFT eh?

Hooray! Kathleen is back and, in yet more crowbarring in of plot in time for King of Hearts,  blackmailed the McQueens over Calvin’s murder. We love her. She has the best I’ll-give-you-a-hug-yet-look-evilly-over-your-shoulder evil doer face this side of Brendan. Nice to see someone finally on Theresa’s side about Carmel’s half inching of her baby though. It was she who facilitated the impromptu rebranding of Baby Angel to Baby Kathleen Khloe afterall. Long may she stay.

We learn that Warren is a virgo.

The Dog is now selling cocktails. The ironically named ‘Have Mercy’ so far seems to be the most popular.

The copper hot on Warren‘s tail is DCI Ethan Scott, the Doogie Howser of Chester PD. When he isn’t fighting crime, he is following in the footsteps of Calvin, Mark Gascoyne and, recently, Logan by trying to get himself some scally McQueen minge in the form of Theresa. Even though he apparently has a spooky eyed, pig tailed girlfriend called Liberty. Tut tut.

As soon as it turned December, all Hollyoaks homes and businesses were spontaneously and simultaneously festooned with Christmas decorations.

We continue to scratch our heads re. what has happened to Rae. Once a snarling chav/wannabe DJ via imaginary goth, she is now a simpering hausfrau whose single thought is what to make the kids for tea. That’s what shagging Ste does to you. If you’re a female that is.

Ricky is back, sans his miserablist MS afflicted dad.

Mandy is still after Tom (‘s inheritance)

Carmel’s New Year’s resolution: to let Theresa see more of Angel Kathleen. Big of her.

Gilly continued to be a twat throughout the festive season. Though he had a brief personality change in order to provide wingman duties for Rhys in King of Hearts, he still managed to extend his list of crimes to letching onto Mercy, punching Darren and making an orphaned child feel unwanted (okay, that was just Tom but still) Enough!

random brand watch:

Lee bids for Guy Candy clothing on www.greatauc.co.uk (and loses)

Chateaux de Ashworth 2010 – suspect plonk used by Rhys to woo Jacqui

fateddating.com  (tagline: because its written in the stars). Don’t think we’ll be using that one.

standing moodily update

There were some inspired uses of the standing moodily spot over December. While she was trying to scam money out of Carl by pretending she’d dumped Riley, Mercy used it as a clever hiding place to snog Costello Jnr. Because no one would ever catch them there, right?

In the first ever appearance of the standing moodily spot in a dream sequence, India fantasized about meeting Cameron, her ‘dream man’, who was way hotter and less grabby than the real thing.

Of course, our fave one was Warndan’s. Because when you’ve just bumped off the local king crim, the obvious place to dispose of the body is in the ornamental pond outside a busy pub.

t-shirt slogan of the year: witness the fitness – on Duncan

for everything else there’s mastercard:

£400 for Alfonse to do up the SU bar

£10k to get rid of your son’s foxy/slaggy girlfriend

£2k to stop your jailbird aunt from telling the police about the murder committed by her daughter and hidden by you and your family

quotes

“Objectively speaking, you’re not bad looking in an aging boy band kind of way” – Nancy on Darren. Aww, it’s love for defs!

“By the way you cant have déjà vu all over again. You either have a déjà vu or you don’t, stupid” Nancy once again putting Darren in his place.

“Take the kids to the chippy as a treat” Ste, consider that boat PUSHED RIGHT OUT.

“Does he <Brendan> have a boyfriend?” don’t go opening that can of worms, Alfonse

Tony: “You…”

Warren: “In the flesh…hug?”

A rare genuinely funny quip from Warren

“You’re just a cook Tony…why don’t you run along and whip up a nice meringue” Boom! Yet more wit from the whisperer.

“This <the Dog> is the poshest pub for miles” to be fair to Lee, it probably is.

“His dad’s got MS” Duncan puts a good word in for Ricky with India

“Our Myra’s blokes couldn’t resist a slice ‘o’ this” Kathleen relates to Theresa’s shagging of Calvin, gesturing to said slice of ‘that’.

“Look at your aunty Myra and that psycho son of hers she left out with the bins” more wisdom from Kathleen, this time counselling Theresa on the perils of abandoning her child.

“You’re gonna smother that baby with those great big knockers” Kathleen, queen of home truths, to Carmel.

“After Steph died I realised I’ve not been a good sister to Tom” nothing like a death to make you acknowledge ten years of neglect eh, Mandy?

“For god’s sake, Trevor, disrespect me! Disrespect me!” aw, Cheryl.

“Looks like christmas has come early” *opens arms wide. leers*. Finding Warren under your christmas tree – the least appealing present ever? Poor Cheryl.

“Charlie’s having a lovely time in Canada for christmas” reports Nancy. WHAT???! Charlie is in CANADA?? HOW DID HE GET THERE? Are toddlers allowed to board intercontinental flights without parental supervision? *HEAD EXPLODES*

quotes special: Carl and Mercy’s icky banter

We take a look at the McQuestello dialogue that made us gag. A lot:

“I saw you all over Mr Moustache before” Carl on Mercy’s flirty banter with Brendan. Come on, Carl, you’d be all over him too if you got a chance, wouldn’t you?

“You think you can get what you want in life by hitching up your skirt” we think you’ll find that has been a very successful strategy for Mercy thus far, Carl

“Are you like this with all your son’s girlfriends?” with his son’s girlfriends, his wife’s nieces, his own children…Mercy, there are few people on earth that Carl isn’t like that with.

“I’m untouched by Costello hands….maybe you can get in there first” gagworthy in EVERY way, only Mercy could use not being your own son’s sloppy seconds as a sexual proposition.

“Please, you two not again” Heidi speaks for all of us.

MYEYES

Guy Candy perform a deeply inappropriate crotch grab and thrust.

HISEYES

Mr WLH was thoroughly distressed  by an unexpected and lingering shot of Gilly’s cotton clad cock and balls.

That is all.

You like? Then please nominate WLH for a 2011 Bloggie!

To find out why this would mean, like, SO much to us read this mildy amusing article

toast

The whole purpose of Inferno Week was to carry out an annual cull and today it claimed its first scalp as we bid adieu to Stephanie Roach nee Cunningham nee De La Dean. Not much of a surprise, given her terminal status and her centre stage presence on the spectacular marketing campaign, it was a much darker exit than we expected. Not quite the hero’s death we predicted yesterday (though props to her for singlehandedly saving Ste‘s entire family while Gilly whimpered from the sidelines – more on him in a min), she instead faced that age old conundrum: do you burn to death in a living room or succumb to a slow painful demise by cancer?

Steph chose to Guy Fawkes.

Yep, no goodbyes for her family, or arrangements for who will now care for her dependant Tom.  Screw you all! Right until the end, Steph was the ultimate BTMer, but we had to admire how she wasn’t going to let a disease upstage her.

As she stayed with the flames and the screen faded to bright, burning white it reminded us a little bit of Ripley’s death by lava in Alien 3, though Steph had more hair.

An unusual way to go. We liked it.

I can be your hero baby

So, hats of to Gilbert Roach. His dying wife  selflessly ran into a burning building to save a family and the best he could do wail from a ladder.

When he did eventually try to run in after her he was conveniently stopped by a fireman.  “I tried to save ‘er, I swear” he sobbed. Really, Gilly? DID YOU?

soap opera acting 101

The inferno gave Hollyoaksers a chance to demonstrate their best reacting-to-tragedy faces:

Catatonic. (but v pretty eyes in HD):

Rhys channels Lee Remick in The Omen:

Swoon, a tearful Darren. *instantly gets lump in throat*

Dr Drake Ramoray fishhook-the-eyebrow-and-I-like-it evil doer face:

Open mouthed fish wife:

And finally, as Frankie learned of her beloved daughter’s death, we bet she was regretting putting up that ironic banner (‘Steph – always a star’):

oh, Brendan

Other than humiliating Dom on Monday, our beloved-apart-from-Darren is having a quiet week thus far. Surprisingly, Ste is giving him the run around, meaning that Brendan has been left to leave starting-to-sound-quite-clingy messages on his voicemail and treat India to night out at The Dog. That said, after a suprisingly bold Ste told Brendan to leave Amy alone, we got to see some vintage Brady, complete with some brand new Brendanisms:

Leaving threatening voicemails for Amy with flames burning ominously in the background (we still don’t think he did it):

KMT*. Plus what a fine chin he has:

Grimacing and knuckle cracking:

We can’t remember what was going on here, we just liked it:

(*T=Tash)

in other inferno week news

random brand news channel Chester 1 is first on the scene to report Hollyoaks village carnage.

A glutton for punishment, Dom once again begged Warren for money, who once again refused and ONCE AGAIN recommended that Dom torch Il Gnosh. This scene, pretty much identical to that of yesterday, took place in the unidentified wasteground where Warren seems to be spending all of his time (when he isn’t creeping round the village ‘shhh’ing people that is). Where does he stay at night? Where does he eat? Questions we need answers to. We suspect he is doing a Raoul Moat and living in Chester’s storm drains.

We are treated to a way cool re-ee-wind montage that takes us from post to pre explosion with a helpful summary of all of the potential firestarters (Warren, Dom, Mandy, Brendan, Tony and Phil) along the way. This gave us a chance to relive Brendan‘s Amy-sniffing menacing (yay) and Mandy‘s disturbing sex face (not so yay)

BTW since when has there been a spiral staircase in Il Gnosh leading directly into Tony‘s living room???

so, one down how many more to go?

Amy wasn’t looking too chipper (though not outright dead as suggested in a spoiler) and Mal seems to be in some sort of badger coma, so either could be goners. Sadly, despite our wishes to the contrary, unnerving child-woman Amber and hobbity Finn both survived. Expect underage pregnancy dramas to rumble on well into 2011 (our prediction: crazy empty wombed Diane steals the baby for herself).

Looking forward to day 4? Hells yeah!

stendan update

Apart from a creepy scene where Brendan showed up at Ste‘s council estate slum (see quotes below), Stendan spent the week/night getting up to all sorts in Brendan‘s bedroom (which we sadly didn’t see). It must have been good times though, because even Brendan was chipper in the morning, beckoning Ste back to bed for a cuddle before smuggling out of the hitherto unseen backdoor of the Valentines’ home.

Other Brendan things we noticed:

he has a tasty bottom lip. Nom.

he likes playing incey wincey spider up Ste‘s shirt

if he is startled awake, his hand automatically contorts into a ‘Brendan claw’

he is hairy. like animal

he looks very peaceful when he’s asleep. Aww.

other stendan news:

Ste has told Amy that he’s seeing a man; Ste’s cracked ribs were his own fault, according to Brendan: “Ya crossed the loin, Steven”

“greetings, love birds”

So Danny Huston is meant to be a bit of a hardcase. Even our beloved Brendan speaks of him in fearful tones. It is a surprise, then, that he has reacted to Jacqui dumping him for Rhys like such a big girl’s blouse. Admittedly, it must hurt the old male pride to be dumped for a what Jacqui herself called a “womanizing mummy’s boy with no backbone” (inexplicably missing out “sister shagger” and “general sexual deviant” off the list). But lurking in someone’s flat until they come home so you can threaten them and pour their bottle of random brand bubbly on the carpet (that’s £4.95 Rhys will never see again) is, quite frankly, clingy.

It did however provide us with the truly golden moment when Rhys decided to man up and attack Danny, with all the success of a similar moment in Watership Down when Blackavar attacks General Woundwort:

Good skills, Rhys.

OMG moments

Okay, not a massive OMGer since his return has already been much trumpeted about, but it was still a joy when the mysterious hooded person who had been stalking the village de-hooded, to reveal themselves to be…Warren! This was after he symbolically left a dead fox in Chez Chez. Smooth.

who’s that on top of the arch?

it’s warren!

in other news

Suspiciously coinciding with Warren’s shock return, Hollyoaks’ very own Grim Reaper Mandy pays the Osborne-Deans a visit, lucky them eh? Darren admirably tries to get some; Tony displays some magnificent brow furrowing, as drink driving bad dad Phil comes to stay and Taylor tells him about his dad’s double life. Incidentally, Taylor also told Gabby to much boo-hooing…didn’t she know about this already? Wasn’t this the big secret she was always threatening Phil she’d reveal?; the romance that is LAmy moves ever closer, as they spend the night drinking random brand Creme de Menthe in Amy‘s council estate slum. Leanne is not happy, hence Lee’s reconciliatory pop song (see below) and agreement to get married in three weeks. We suspect this Will Not Happen; Cheryl discovers Mal and Lyndsey are at it, she also has a rather lovely scene with not long for this world Steph, involving dancing, cake, bubbly and ballet shoes; Darren and Duncan bond over cake, The Woman in White, spooky tales about Jack and coppers called Joey. Love them.

quotes

“Love is a minefield i wanna walk through it with you, you detonate my love with everything you do..” *whispers* “Love is a minefield” Lee’s lyrics for his amazing song called, you’ve guessed it, Love is a Minefield

“You’re with me because I’m not a neanderthal like Danny, which means I think about things” Rhys convinces himself that Jacqui is only interested in him for his intellectual prowess.

“Chez, let me batter Malachy. Not just because he’s upset cher but because I’d enjoy it” Brendan speaks for us all.

quote of the week

“Boo” the scariest/hottest trick or treater ever appears at Ste’s door.